Children's Book Debut - "Horton Hires a Whore" (3593 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.91 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-14 07:54:22 EDT
After long and considered thought, I've decided that my future lies in writing children's books. I've always been very interested in communicating with children, and teaching them about life. (Provided, of course, that they aren't my own.) So I've decided to put a new, charming spin on a classic children's story to 'test the waters', so to speak. I really think this has potential. I can see it being read to sweet faced toddlers as they snuggle up for a good night's sleep. I can see it taking its rightful place among the beloved stories of children everywhere.
"Horton Hires a Whore."
On a lonely cold night, in the dark of his room,
When the whole of his house was as quiet as a tomb
And his new, stirring urges weren't going to fade,
Horton knew, he just knew, it was time to get laid.
But all Horton knew of sex, he'd learned from books,
And Horton was not blessed with manly good looks.
He was fat. He was bald. And he smelled like fresh piss.
He was not a man girls long to fondle and kiss.
So. There lay our hero, his breath coming fast,
As he thought about getting his end wet at last.
And after some time, a smile crossed Horton's face.
He knew what to do, now. He knew of a place
Where the women were not quite as picky as some
And his dick could get sucked like a small toddler's thumb
And he was, sure as hell, guaranteed a good come.
It could all be his, HIS (for a small, discreet sum)
Horton got out of bed, just as quiet as a mouse,
And waddled as fast as he could from the house,
Not alerting his mom, who was watching TV.
(Horton still lived at home. He'd just turned thirty-three)
He went in a taxi - the walk was too hard
For a three hundred pound, wheezing, bald tub of lard.
And when Horton got close to that glowing red light,
His substandard cock stirred to life at the sight.
He gathered his courage. He walked through the door.
He was here, he was ready, and looking to score.
And the first thing his wandering greedy eyes saw
Was a sweet little redhead whose outfit screamed 'whore!'
He walked over, shaking. His knees had gone weak.
He showed her his money, too nervous to speak.
Her smiling lips smiled and her shining eyes shone
And she took Horton's cash - in a flash it was gone.
She led him out back without saying a word
(Which was just as well, too - Horton wouldn't have heard
Past the sound of his pulse as it drummed in his head)
And she gestured to Horton to sit on the bed.
She was out of her clothes with a swish and a snap
And she jumped atop Horton and straddled his lap.
Horton was panting. Horton was sweating.
He couldn't believe the fine ass he was getting.
She unzipped his pants and she took out his cock.
And Horton, of course, was as hard as a rock.
And almost as soon as the fucking began,
She was screaming ecstatically "Do me, fat man!"
Though she looked like a leprechaun riding a whale,
And although Horton's body was doughy and pale,
And the stench of his breath hit her full in face,
She gave it her all and she fucked with fast pace.
And when our Horton came with a grunt and a groan,
She pretended to come with a sigh and a moan.
And she smiled at him as he walked out of the place
With a spring in his step and a smile on his face.
And another whore watched her, her face white with shock,
And said "How could you possibly fuck fatman cock?"
And the sweet redhead smiled, and replied "It's just that
Every man deserves lovin', no matter how fat."
What do you think? Can you see this face being revered by the children of the world?
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Though she looked like a leprechaun riding a whale,
And although Horton's body was doughy and pale,
And the stench of his breath hit her full in face,
She gave it her all and she fucked with fast pace
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-10 09:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:03:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a saucy looking milf.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-06-27 21:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad.. thank you for resurrecting this.
Love it Circe!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-27 21:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teh Hotnesssss
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 11:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, this still rocks.
So where's all the new camwhoring and barely rhymed filth you promised?
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-09-11 09:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, can't say you didn't earn it, fellow AIM lady.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-02 18:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She looks like she inhales cock. So I'll give a plus here.
You're welcome.
Submitted by Stellasupernova (user info) at 2004-09-02 15:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocks my socks, which is quite impressive, since I'm not wearing any.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-07-24 01:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay. I've written a few things here, and THIS is what gets the most hits? I need to rethink my subject matter, apparently.
More camwhoring and barely rhymed filth to follow.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-07-01 00:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Btw, you're hot too.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-07-01 00:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-06-30 09:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, I've just added this to my favs list.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-29 22:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You look like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-27 13:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being added to my mini-BAW
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-06-27 03:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, liked it.
Submitted by repsik (user info) at 2004-06-27 03:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liekd
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-06-19 22:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At first I thought I was having really good orgasm but then I realized I was just laughing. That's how funny this was.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-19 22:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although I am generally not a great fan of spoofs, I was once again entertained by one of your posts, which, by the way, are always more than just readable.
Lots of work went into this. Your children must be malnourished...good job.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, you really, really don't like doing dishes, do you? Paying me was one thing, but now you're using the tactics of a desperate man.
I feel so... so dirty...
Cindy's Younger Sister - You need to offer me a car and a seven figure salary if you want me to come put up with your drunken ramblings and diva bullshit, you odd little person.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive just nominated this for B@W, i am sure bart will see the light, he is a sensible guy and all... with a dead sexy ass.
Submitted by Cindys_Younger_Sister (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
insane you absolute cunt, bollocks I say! You 'avent got the dough I say! Don't come round here making false offers, you shiesty cunt.
I love you Circe!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey fuck you, cindys younger sister, I OFFERED FIRST SO BACK THEFUCK OFF!
she says 15? I say 18 USD
hehehe
Submitted by Cindys_Younger_Sister (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:21:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, for twelve dollars US I'll come over and do your dishes myself. I'll also sing to you and make your coffee. The Aussie dollar is so low that I could buy a house with a week's wages.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't drink coffee but this sounds like a great deal! You are quite attractive (love the eyes)
But seriously 12 american dollars is I think like 8 or so aussie, something like that.
I might go as high as15 USD if there were some hanky panky involved. ;-)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would be me, Fetish.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-14 17:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for whoever that is in the pic.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-14 16:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very enjoyable indeed.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard the redhead will even do it in a box, with a fox, for an extra fifty bucks.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Insane, for twelve dollars US I'll come over and do your dishes myself. I'll also sing to you and make your coffee. The Aussie dollar is so low that I could buy a house with a week's wages.
Thanatos - I know it's not great, but I had to fit that last line in somehow, because of the original poem. This was the best way I could see to do it.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice, though I think the last verse could use a rewrite.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is really cute, circe, an enterprising little boy! Since he'd be living in the USA I'd be paying him in US dollars, say $10 per sinkfull (about 20 minutes work for me).
Fuck I hate dishes. Tell him I'll raise it to $12 if he also takes out the garbage and Hurry! it's starting to smell.
Is he house trained? Do Australian kids know how to use modern facilities and such??
;)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great! and it had a moral to the story.
good job!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn that was good!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm conflicted, Kaelic. You complimented me while breaking my streak..
Insane, the seven year old does dishes. You have to pay him, but he does them.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-14 10:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a saucy looking milf.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass. +2. How old are the kids, I might take one if it does dishes, takes out the garbage etc.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaelic - The camwhore, redhead whore, me being a redhead trinity seemed to fit my slightly skewed sense of order.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was not expecting this to be so good. You know, Suess rip offs are so rarely excellent. Bravo!
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So is the redhead in the story also the one in the picture?
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope you don't mind but i printed this and i am
going to read it to all the childrewn i know.
i will let you know how it works out.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What I like about it, I mean what I REALLY like about it, is that it has a nice moral at the end. I think this will teach children everywhere a very valuable lesson about love . . . for profit.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're welcome, Prickle. And you see naked englishmen everywhere, you perverted drunkard.
Godchicken - It's okay. We can have the kind of love that's unspoken and never acted on and kept a secret from everybody including us.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great.
Although, I think I'm in love with Circe now. Holy Fuckman, Batbeans!
Red...hair... augh!
Circe, meow?
God damn it, she's engaged.
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks circe
i find your horton a far more engaging fellow
btw - is he modelled on a certain much-loved english uber user?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Prickle -
http://spoerlein.iwarp.com/horton1.html
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splendid
(even though i don't know the tale this is presumably derived from)
nice final line too
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot a word, dammit. It's meant to be 'full in THE face'. It doesn't fit, now.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-14 08:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God, Circe that was even better than I could have thought! AWESOME job.