Adventures of a Nazi Zombie (1097 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.9 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Avals (View user info) at 2004-06-14 08:59:22 EDT
It was 12 AM and I was on my way home from running my errands. (Why the hell am I running my errands at 12 AM you ask? Hey, fuck you buddy, none of your fucking business! OK, fine, I was out getting some KY in preparation for another lonely night with just me and my broadband. There, you happy now you bastard?)
On my way home I came across a neo-Nazi rally, which is usually no big deal here. (Gotta love America with its uncompromising love for freedom of speech...) However, this time something strange caught my eye and forced me to stop and do a double take.
Standing right at the fringes of the congregation and doing his best to keep up with the proceedings, was a lone man wearing raggedy clothes and a torn swastika armband clumsily wrapped around the decaying remains of what was once his arm.
I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I was seeing an actual, honest-to-goodness, Nazi zombie, which, as everyone knows, is the best kind of zombie. I located a nearby rock and seated myself on it. There was no way I was missing this.
The crowd chanted, hollered and cheered in response to their speaker's words, and that poor zombie did his best to keep up - muttering indecipherable grunts and barely managing to stifle a passionate cry of "Brrrrrrrrrrrains" when the crowd burst into an enthusiastic fit of Heil Hitlers.
Being thoroughly amused and fascinated, I didn't even notice the minutes creeping by, and before I knew it the rally was coming to a close. As the speaker wrapped up his address the crowd burst into a rhythmic chant of Sieg Heils, duly accompanied by Hitler salutes. The zombie proudly raised his tattered right hand into the air, neglecting to give a thought to his obviously less-than-stellar physical condition. His arm promptly tore off, taking flight and smacking some neo-Nazis a few rows in front right on the noggin'.
That'll teach these racist fuckers...
The zombie, obviously being of less than average mental capacity (probably owing to the fact that his brain was in an advanced state of decay), responded by staring surprisedly at his gruesome stump and loudly exclaiming "Unghhhhhh?"
I began seriously considering leaving after watching the zombie frozen in that position for at least half an hour, when he finally recovered and turned to leave, and I, being the curious and easily amused fellow that I am, decided to follow.
I followed him for a while, being careful not to step on the rotting pieces of flesh he left in his wake. Luckily for me, his ears fell off after the first few feet of our journey, so he was completely oblivious to me following him closely behind.
Suddenly an old lady leaning on a cane came out of a house in front of us. The zombie noticed her with his one good eye (the other was dangling uselessly below his chin) and let out a mighty "Brrrrrrrrains!" The zombie charged. The old lady screamed and ran.
And the zombie charged, and the old lady ran.
And the zombie charged, and the old lady ran...
I swear to god that was the slowest chase I've ever seen in my life. The old lady limping with her cane, and the zombie slowly hobbling after her, periodically stopping to let out an excited "Unghhhhhhhh" or "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrains!"
This went on for probably a good five-ten minutes, before the zombie stumbled into a pothole and crashed face-first into the ground. He just laid there, wailing and sobbing like a decaying little girl.
At this point I decided I had had enough and went home.
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This is the result of my frustrations trying to get a few hits for my posts. Seeing as my other attempts aren't doing very well, I decided to follow the rules of supply and demand, and since Nazi zombies are always in demand, I figured I might as well supply.
User Reviews
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-05-01 14:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies kick ass.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-11-26 23:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, and made a good point as well. If you'll notice, I pretty much also gave up on my early attempts at fiction on this site. I wrote some fiction pieces that I really really liked, but got virtually no attention, like your excellent rewriting history piece. I had more luck recounting some of the more interesting/amusing anecdotes from my life. Luckily Ubermadness came along and encouraged me to write more fiction, as it was one of the few instances on this site where actual short stories are appreciated. I'd recommend heartily that you enter the next one. I'm sure you'd do well. Until then, how about some stories about zombie penthouse playmates? that'd be hot shit.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-20 01:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-07-20 01:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-07-20 01:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it, but the title, coupled with your previous post, was enough to warrant a +2.
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-20 01:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nazi zomies! Twice the evil goodness! A two for one deal!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-07-04 03:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-2ing my post in retaliation, are we littlemiss? Way to show your maturity there, bitch. How old are you again, 10?
Submitted by Littlemiss69 (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spooner - I figured a Nazi zombie would get the most hits is all. I might do another with some other kind of zombie, just for you...
Also, zombies don't hate people, they just love brains... ;)
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is everyone so high on Nazi zombies? What about white-supremecist zombies? Or Black Panther zombies? Zombies hate people of all races and nationalities, they may as well be equally represented on Ubersite.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to god that was the slowest chase I've ever seen in my life. The old lady limping with her cane, and the zombie slowly hobbling after her, periodically stopping to let out an excited "Unghhhhhhhh" or "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrains!"
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PAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think that your zombie would starve if he was looking for brains at a nazi rally.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You appear to have posted this in the wrong category.
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-06-14 09:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nazi's DO make the best zombies!
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC