A-rab strippers, Shit flavored water, and "Momma says Crocodile Dundee is the Debil" (545 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-14 11:36:53 EDT
I just want to point out something before I move on: Kuwaitis should NOT be allowed to work at a strip club...period. Why you ask? I witnessed such a gruesome spectacle a few days ago, and I now know why Allah forbids any showing of female skin. Here are some examples of why no one should ever have to experience the horror that I have:
1. The strobe lights could reflect off the rubies in their heads and cause temporary blindness.
2. When it comes to American culture, those Babylonians have NO sense of style. Come on. In all those pictures of Iraq youve seen in the news, find me ONE that doesnt look like a scene from Miami Vice. Flowered shirts and white slacks? Those fuckers. This girl wasn't much better, with her glittery way-too-shiny skirt and white flannel-type shirt. Ugh. It was like Michael Jackson and Al Borlin had a child, and it came out with brain damage.
3. Apparently, they aren't skilled at picking out stage names. Eliza, Morgan, Raquelle, those are all quality aliases. This particular Shiite had settled on "Kay". Or maybe it was just "K"; short for Khalim maybe. Alls I know is, I work with a 70 year old midget named Kay who wears panty hose with khaki shorts. Yeah. I know.
4. Finally, let me just say that she looked completely horrid with no clothes on. Now I'm not trashing on anyone for their nationality, but her nipples looked like gangrenous tumors stuck on the end of her saggy breasticles, and her crotch/ass area looked like she had shat herself 2 days before and let it ferment in some kind of sick biological experiment. "You want to dance with me on couch, yes?" Lady, look at the rotting flesh attached to the end of your busom. Don't assume anyone would say yes.
Ive also discovered that lots of 12 year olds hang out at amusement parks, namely Paramounts Kings Island in Cincinnati, OH. Its been a couple years since Ive been to Kings Island, so I figured what better to take my mind off of naked arabs. The Beast is located here, which just happens to be the 4th best roller coaster in the world according to some show on the Discovery channel. Lets discuss some of the other attractions, mainly the ones in the water park, where I spent most of my time.
Delirium: The concept of this ride was awesome; a large rotating cylinder with 50 seats around the outside perimeter, facing outward. The cylinder is attached to the bottom of a huge pendulum, which swings completely upside down...its insane. This ride could've been called the Spinning Nutcrusher of Doom, because the shoulder harness mysteriously had an overgrown phalange protruding from the bottom. Upon swinging upside down, it would act as a battering ram and thrust deep into the bowels of...my bowels, through my stomach and penile area. "Ow, my pancreas" indeed.
Tazmanian Typhoon: Recently they changed the water park at Kings Island to a Crocodile Dundee theme. Pretty much the same rides as always, with some decent new ones. Tazmanian Typhoon was one of such new attractions, and it freakin great. Four people in a clover-shaped raft head down a dark tunnel, gain a bit of speed, and get shot out into a giant funnel thats tilted onto its side. This makes you slide way up one side, then back down and up the other side.
The only problem with this one was the damn advertisement message on the intercom. Some retard with a fake aussie accent told me all about the ride:
"Are you ready for Tazzie? He's ready for you mate. Wanna have a go? (sounded like "wanna whack a goat") Blah blah blah mate. Blippity bloppity bloop mate. The water depth at the bottom is only 18" mate."
Australians dont say mate that much, and if they did I'd murder them all. Plus this recording had a speech impediment like my 7th grade school bus driver. And they had the recording on repeat, with ZERO seconds in between the end of one and beginning of another. It was one giant sentence about 18 inches, goats and mates, and my brain cells decreased dramatically. We did get to look at a hot teenager in front of us in line, who had a nifty heart-shaped hole cut in her bathing suit bottoms. A discussion broke out about how cool it'd be if the hole was positioned directly over her asshole, so she wouldnt have to strip down to have sex or take a dump. I pictured my childhood Play-doh maker spitting out heart-shaped logs, and needed an emergency lobotomy to erase the terror lodged in my skull. We're sick bastards, we're loud, and she probably heard us. At the top, once we were in the raft, the lifeguard chick inquired "You guys arent a collective 700lbs, right?" Huh? Hell, the other 3 were 700lbs not including me. But she let us go anyways, sending us off with a "...the water at the bottom is only 18 inches." No fuckin shit, I bet an Aussie told you that one. Mate.
Crocodile Run: This was a lazy river type of deal, but we basically just had fun causing havoc and crashing into things. At one point I broke away from the crowd and felt a grumble in my gut. I let some bubbles loose in the water and was reminded of Ren bubbling up a bathtub in "Space Madness". This one was the mother of all underwater methane releases, and I swear it felt like I had a fish tank aerator attached to my sphincter. Then it really started to feel funny. Felt like it wasnt just air coming out of me, but more like liquid. Oh fuck!! I immediately shut off my valve and proceeded to inspect the water seeping out from under my raft to see if it was turning a light shade of corn-speckled mahogany. Whew, false alarm. That would've been hard to explain to folks.
Coolangata: This was a basic slide that you ride down on a rubber mat. Crocodile Dickweed made his triumphant return to the loudspeaker at this one. He explained how to properly mount your cheap sheet of rubber before sliding down. The funny part was, one of my buddies name is Matt, and being 4 guys in our mid 20's, we are horny, immature, and obnoxious. I swear Im quoting the loudspeaker:
"First, place the "Matt" between your legs. Then, position yourself on your knees in front of the "Matt". Finally, lay down face first on the "Matt". Okay mate, youre ready to ride!"
Matt daydreamed he was back at the strip club, and I found it amusing. God I love amusement parks. Loren will probably hate me for my "racism of middle-eastern folk" but then again she hates me anyways.
Here's a picture of Tazzie, mate!
User Reviews
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Far bloody out mate.
Hey mate they don't even have Typhoons in Tassie. I love the way these dicks go around inventing this sort of shit. Oh well when you have a nation, America, who loves the Crocodile Hunter as much as we detest him waddya expect mate.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-14 11:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, tazzie ......never seen one before