The Passion of the Scottish (956 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2004-06-14 13:48:02 EDT
I've always been a football (or soccer, if you're American) fan, for as long as I can remember. My first memories are of Aberdeen Football Club training weekends, where professional footballers taught clumsy oafs like me to kick a ball round some plastic cones. And one occasion where I got so angry that my team was being beaten so badly that I went a little Max Payne on the opposing team, lashing out violently and breaking their goalkeeper's leg. But my psychotic childhood is a tale for another day.
Being Scottish and a football fan meant your childhood was decided from an early age. Unless you followed the 'old firm' of Rangers or Celtic, you were stuck cursing how your idols had four goals put past them by a team of part-time mechanics from some unpronounceable highland region. But loyalty to your team came second only to loyalty to your country. Many an evening was spent in front of my neighbours radio, eating barbecue food whilst the adults got drunk, listening to Scotland's latest crushing defeat, the latest in the never-ending cycle of near misses our national team thrived upon. But they were good times. Throughout the schoolyard, there was a real feeling of camaraderie, a sense of being, historically, an oppressed minority. We projected the Robert the Bruce and Bonnie Prince Charlie characters from our history lessons into their modern, footballing incarnation. We bonded, we supported, and invariably cried when the inevitable defeat finally came.
All fine and well, you may think, but beneath the spongy layer of patriotism lay a bubbling filling of hatred. No matter what, if England were playing, you supported the other team. Even if you had no great love towards the other team, even if the other team were German, it was assumed that you would oppose England to the bitter end. We found ourself cheering names that we couldn't properly pronounce, in the thin hope that our animosity would inspire England's foes to greater deeds. But it rarely worked. Time and time again, our idols would fall to an obscure Eastern European country, and England would sail triumphantly past, suppressing a collective smirk. It was hard, but you learned to love to hate. With every English victory, we remembered past injustices. With every crunching tackle from the opposition, we yelled an excited 'Take his fuckin' legs out!'.
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Last night saw England begin their Euro 2004 campaign. A campaign that, due to an unfortunately high standard of opposition, we had been unable to reach. A game against the current title-holders, France. I had dug out an old tricolour, had tried to remember some of the names of the French team, and after lugging in several crates of beer, my friends and I sat down to watch the match. Here I was, 18 years old, slurring French names with four face-painted, England-hating fellow Scots. It seemed to be going fine, our newly discovered French allies were keeping possession, threatening the English goal. Then disaster struck. Close to half-time, some cockney scumbag puts England in the lead. We feel the age-old hatred rising again. We kept watching, our faces transfixed, drifting only occasionally to get up for the hurried mid-game piss. Then disaster struck again.
"And it's Rooney, oh, he's got past (insert random French name #1), he's approaching goal, but oh, (insert random French name #2) has tripped him up! The referee points to the spot! Penalty for England!"
Screams of anguish tell me what my blurry vison cannot. England could go 2-0 up.
"And it's Beckham to take, and he's hit it well... oh but Barthez has saved it! It's still 1-0!"
Screams of delight tell me what my addled brain couldn't quite work out. Our French friends still had a chance. To be brief, the match was dull, even for a seasoned football fan, and it was approaching the end, England still ahead. It was into injury time.
The unthinkable happened.
France put not one, but two goals past England in the space of a minute, sinking them into the dustbin of football history. We jumped, we hugged and kissed each other (in the most heterosexual way possible), and I passed out.
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I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit, surrounded my empty beer cans, in my now-trashed flat. Everything is coated in a veneer of filth, a sea of bodily fluids. My clothes smell of microwave curry and there's a gash in my right knee. But I don't care. The auld enemy has taken another pounding, and all the mouthwash in the world couldn't move the sweet, sweet taste of victory from my mouth.
Today, Uber, is a good day to be Scottish.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-21 09:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suddenly I hate you Mike.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Auto +2 for being DREAMY!*
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-07-05 13:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My first memories are of Aberdeen Football Club training weekends, where professional footballers taught clumsy oafs like me to kick a ball round some plastic cones
How could you tell which ones were the Aberdeen players?
YAY SCOTLAND! MON THE DONS!
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As promised.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-06-17 15:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/36012
What was the score, you shit?
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the sadness of being a Scotland fan :)
Warning received by SEPA
Scotland placed on a major flood alert. All areas of Scotland were last night placed on high alert as a major flood is expected this morning. This is thought to have been caused by most of Scotland pishing themselves laughing at the England result.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True dat.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-14 20:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cunt
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-14 19:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
You could live in Australia and be happy.
We support anyone who is playing the Poms on any field of endeavor.
We have not forgotten Gallipoli and their namby pamby generals sending our boys into the mincer!!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-14 17:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All these people who I didn't realise were English!
I shall be glad when we're out of the competition because maybe I can talk to my male friends about something else again, but then I'm just a football-hating girl so what do I know?!
Submitted by Jokaah (user info) at 2004-06-14 17:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bunch of cunts.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-14 17:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought it was Switzerland?
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-06-14 16:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bitter?
You're posting about England losing because Scotland can't even qualify for the competition. That's bitter jealousy in anyone's eyes. We're not out either, we're just missing three points. Get your Croatia flags ready for Thursday, Scotland.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-14 16:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, Tuesday, someone's bitter...
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-06-14 16:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
I think you would empathize well with Boston sports fans. Minus the Pats of course. And before anyone gets in my shit - championships from 5+ years ago DO NOT GIVE THE CURRENT INCARNATION OF THE TEAM BRAGGING RIGHTS. JUST. STOP.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It comes to something when Scotlands greatest ever moments in football are, in no particular order:
a) Chris Waddle missing a penalty, 1990 World Cup, Italy.
b) David Seaman being lobbed by a jammy free kick by Ronaldinho. Who (unrelated) can eat apples through a tennis racket.
c) Last night's result.
There's a reason for this. Scotlad are dire. They fail to beat countries nobody's ever heard of with a population of about nine (including animals) and are managed by a poor German reject.
Scottish Dictionary: New word entry.
European Championships:
A mythical place.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-14 15:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I was in a bar getting called a "Sheepshagger" for 89 minutes until they got mugged. I was laughing uncontrollably by the time the second goal was scored.
Three French guys started a riot in a pub down the road from us. A quality night's entertainment.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-14 14:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You crazy soccer ruffians!