Well out of hand (623 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.7 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by blingshizzle (View user info) at 2004-06-15 08:43:30 EDT
So I recently began a new job, as a market analyst in the mortgage department of a large international bank. My first day on the job I was presented with a warning from a coworker and future good friend: The sooner you realize that Mary (we'll call her) is a useless piece of shit, the better off you'll be.
Now having worked for awhile I completely understand what he meant. Within the first week, this lady was asking me procedural questions that I would have no idea the answers to. Keep in mind she's been here over three years. I slowly begin learning more and more about the sheer incompetence and laziness of this beast. By beast I mean someone who weighs in my best estimate near 250lbs. I discover that she's been repeatedly shipped out of the department to go stare at a wall for 8 hours a day because that actually increases her productivity. Despite my boss's best efforts to fire her, HR repeatedly states that nothing can be done. She has been reprimanded numerous times for using up all her vacation and personal days each year. She was clever enough, however, to find a loophole out of this predicament; she simply applied for family medical leave, which allows her 65 more days to take care of her ailing parents two days a week. Meaning she works m-w and receives a regular paycheck, unbelieveable. Better yet, I overheard a conversation, as i sit one desk in front of her, asking someone "what am I going to do with myself once i dont have my parents to take care of anymore?" Here's an idea, work all 5 days of he work week, like every other human being.
Recently my boss, who is constantly on her ass, took a vactation. This is the itinerary of Mary's day the very first day our boss was out of town. Work begins at 8, and mary arrives promptly at 8:20. She then proceeds to file her nails for no less than 20 minutes. Then time to warm up the coffee at the microwave, by nothing short of a miracle this takes an astounding 30 minutes to do. Followed by wheeling her chair into the conference room 3 times to exchange it for a more comfortable one, ie one that more adequately houses her giant ass. Then a 90 minute lunch followed by, I shit you not, an afternoon nap right at her desk. Although she was tired from her day's rigorous activities of walking and filing her nails, she still managed to remain conscious long enough to roll pennies at her desk. WTF????????????? She might as well haul in the couch and tv to work while she's at it.
Do you have any idea how irritated it makes me to come in and bust my ass while bearing witness to this lady's absurd work habits. Have you ever witnessed a giant woman licking yogurt off the cover of the container? It's breathtaking. She makes/receives no less than a dozen personal phone calls each day, mostly from mom and dad, who are, by the grace of God, able to travel all over the state, despite needing living assistance from her two days a week.
Word has it that Mary is on her way out. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself without listening daily to every miniscule detail of her life being discussed ad nauseum with mom and dad and anyone that will listen.
And yes, i do realize the irony in describing someone's laziness, while myself typing a 20 minute submission to a non-work related website. Thanks
User Reviews
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-25 01:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bling I saw your reply on the WNY thread, where in B-Lo are you?
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As promised.
Submitted by lawryde (user info) at 2004-06-17 11:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A jackass who can't spell
unbelieveable should be unbelievable
vactation should be vacation
You shouldn't throw stones from a glass house.
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yidele, something tells me that there was something in this email that hit home. Weight? Being despised by everyone around you? Be honest with yourself, what was it?
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-06-15 13:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I predict a sterling future for you, bling. This will be a future full of your own favourite asshole - obnoxious, nosy, chatty - in otherwords you. There is little else I find more disgusting than a nosey parker like you. If you worked in my office and practiced this kind of willfull meanness, you'd get piss in your coffee 2 times out of three, and folks would be queueing up to do it, too. Hope & pray Mary never finds out about what came out of your never closing, yippety-yappety cumhole, because if she does she can sue your employer BECAUSE OF YOU. This means that while Mary is on paid medical leave to tend her wounded psyche, you'll be cleaning McDonald's grease traps with your worthless degree & resume. The flip side of the coin is that Mary will loose her shit & stomp you a new mudhole, right in the ofice. Never underestimate the power of an AFAH, I always say.
In closing, fuck you, and your obnoxious attitude, you're not worthy to clean Mary's humongous asscrack. Asshat.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-06-15 12:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Another note about Mary. The person who was in this position before I came, and the guy who currently sits in front of me, used to email each other back and forth about daily observations. "Bob has a gay haircut" etc. One day while one of them is at lunch the other decides to send an email about this Mary. He writes "Holy Good Christ, have you seen the size of Mary's ass lately, it makes me physically ill to watch her walk." Unfortunately he accidentaly sent it to Mary, who opened it and chaos ensued. It ended up with her trying to get him fired, but he's still here and they never speak to each other.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked in this department for 2 years and one day this woman is sitting 3 desks behind me. Shes not actually working but fucking around and chatting on her mobile. I enquire who she is and it turns out shes been in the department for 5 years but has managed to not have to work for the last 2. Finally she ran out of contractiual ways to avoid working and still be paid so she bummed about the office for a further 2 months, not actually working and then Just resigned before she got an official warning. Basically got 2 years pay without working and left with a clean reference.
After this my mate andy was so impressed he explored this himself and hasnt worked in 6 months climing depression and a host of other illnesses. He only resigned because he wanted to travel which if he was still claiming to be ill would constiture fraud as opposed to jerking off the system.
So it begs the question, are the useless sacks of shite or Just smarter then the rest of us.
C
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to work and take a crap in her chair, tell her your crap is more productive, repeat everyday until she quits.
Submitted by DenDen (user info) at 2004-06-15 09:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's hopeless. I would just leave. I say this because I used to work with individuals like that. I was crazy enough to think that if I bitched loudly enough, something would change. Of the two individuals that I am thinking of as I write this, one is dead and one is still working at my former place of employment.
Good luck!
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-15 09:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you should take a huge knizzle and cut her bizzle open so her gizzles spizzles all over the flizzle. fuh rizzle.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-15 08:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You do realize that she is sending out signals to you that she wants you. Just do her and get it over with.