I Just Went Ape Shit on a Geriatric Retard. (1189 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-15 10:30:48 EDT
Even though I'm really a hate-filled, insensitive, politically incorrect guy, normally if somebody pisses me off I'll hold it in and grow another ulcer. But THIS guy?!?!.....
You know how it goes. My entire day is consumed with trying to fly through my work so I can spend some quality time relaxing on uber, check up on the latest Sideburns Resume' or frown at a shitty Mario Paint drawing of some walrus fucking an antelope with JewToast's ugly mug photoshopped in somewhere. THIS guy is making it a little difficult today, and all work and no play makes Homsar a dull boy.
So I come in this morning, and this guy is waiting on me. I must point out that I am about 6% awake when I roll in the door to work, and most people know to leave me the fuck alone till about 9am. This guy probably cant remember to take off his highwater slacks when he sits down to shit. Yeah the Huxtables were getting dropped off at the pool but they got caught in a giant pair of pantaloons. And his name is Virgil. That alone set my time bomb ticking. You know those riots in Cincinnati a few years back? I heard it was because some guy stood in the middle of the Vine Street and said the word "Virgil". Look it up.
I'm sure others have been keen to notice this, but I'll say it anyway: Old people have no understanding of technology at all. Not even close. This has to be my biggest pet peeve. I remember that time a couple months ago when my grandmother enlightened me on "this new thing they have downtown, its called a buffet, and you can pay one price and eat all you want." I carved a groove in my nuts with a router and ran into oncoming traffic just to make sure it wasn't a nightmare. But Granny could be the CEO of Microsoft and NASA at the same time before this guy could tie his own shoe.
His basic problem is, he wants to print out a drawing. I'm a drafter, I work in the print room, so I get a lot of these idiots who would rather ask me than call the help desk with their driver issues. So I explain in full detail, walking him through the process step by step:
Me: OK, open the N: drive.
Retard: *single click* .... *stares blankly*
Me: Double click it...OK, now open the folder called Public.
(This folder is in the P's, yet he scrolls slowly down through A..B...C...looking for it.)
Brain: I hate my life.
Retard: (finally finds the Public folder) *single click* .... *stares blankly*
Me: DOUBLE! click it. OK, now click the driver labled 8830. DOUBLE!!!! click it. It should be printing any second.
Retard: Now which printer did that go to?
Brain: Well now, that could be the one sitting RIGHT BESIDE YOU. Or maybe I'm a trickster and I sent it telepathically to some negro in Zimbabwe, and he's going to draw you a print of it with pigs blood on papyrus.
At this point my desk phone rings. My phone is about 20 years old, looks like the old Batman phone with the glowing red sphere, and the ring sounds like 2 bells clanging together...not even close to sounding synthesized. It's the Model T of telephones. I start to lean over to answer it, but out of the corner of my eye I catch a fleeting glimpse of this sloth-like creature reaching in his pocket. After a short pause, I see he's got his cell phone out.
Brain: Surely not....no way in hell he could mistake that ring for a cell phone ring.
Retard: (answering his cell phone) Hello?....Hello?...Helloooo?!
At this point the printer was trying to spit out his document, and ran out of paper...."BEEP...BEEP...BEEP"
So in a giant clusterfuck of noise that could only be reproduced by a gang of banshees riding in a freight train, my ears are treated to "BEEP, *ring*, Hello?, BEEP, *ring*, Hello?"
I didn't bother answering my phone, or refilling the printer paper. I stared at his wrinkled, aged, decrepit face for a few seconds, felt my blood boil, and it happened.
"BURGLEFLICKLEWARRRRRGHFUCKDAMMIT!"
I slammed my fist against the particle board wall and it echoed. The only audible sound left was my breathing and the printer still BEEPing. He looked at me with a slight bit of uneasiness, slowly put his phone down, and went back to picking scabs or something.
Uber, I hate old people. I just lost my train of thought because I spent 10 minutes looking under printers and desks for the lid to his highlighter, when the lid was ON the highlighter all along. "Oh, silly me", he says. Fuck, man.
User Reviews
Submitted by negative2man. (user info) at 2004-07-15 10:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-07-13 23:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
appropriate picture.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-07-13 23:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jay Sherman <dontbother.at.dodgeit.com> at 2004-07-09 15:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It Stinks :-P
Submitted by Shaxberd (user info) at 2004-06-28 07:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rant density at critical levels. Too many good lines in that post to pick just one. I don't know why some spoiler hasn't ruined your perfect +2 run, but it won't be me.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-28 06:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-06-28 06:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear this is my life, except the people I work with are all around my age and have NO EXCUSE for being such dumbarses with computers.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-16 20:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those of us working the Helpdesk salute you.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the story...another for tripin's comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-15 13:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha! Golden
Submitted by strongbad (user info) at 2004-06-15 13:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Welcome to Fucktard's would you like to try a no carb shit burger today?"
"No, asshole, id like a "BURGLEFLICKLEWARRRRRGHFUCKDAMMIT!" with cheese and some curly fries."
"Will that be all?"
"No ma'am i just like to randomly pause in the middle of my order to see if you are paying attention. I would also like a knife to cut your voice box out and a sewing kit to attatch it to your asshole. oh, and super size it."
i have no idea what possesed that but class A rant dude.
Submitted by donnyb (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed. Ancient fuckers that have no clue are bad, but even worse in my opinion are these baby boomer assholes that know just enough to be dangerous. I'm not sure how many more times i can act enthused about informative lectures on ebay and downloadable music files. The petrified prunes will die soon, but we actually have to put up with the boomers for a while and thier maturation into the exciting world of Wordperfect and Solitaire.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story. try to be a bit patient. that's someone's grandfather.
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool... can't stop the 2s, you've earned it...
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic rant.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some fun things to do with elderly co-workers:
-Put an embarrasing or obscene .wav file on their computer as their start-up sound. Turn the speakers up all the way.
-Swap their 'M' & 'N' keys on their keyboards using a pocketknife. Watch the chaos ensue.
-Throw a box of condoms under his desk.
-Shoot rubber bands at him.
-Or do what I did here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/31708
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...I sent it telepathically to some negro in Zimbabwe, and he's going to draw you a print of it with pigs blood on papyrus..."
That's fucking funny.
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Fuckin-old-people-who-can't-tell-a-mouse-from-their-cock comment.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"BURGLEFLICKLEWARRRRRGHFUCKDAMMIT"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaaaa!!!!!!!!
Submitted by broz2004 (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's hear it for the old farts who think they've restarted their computers when they turn off their monitors...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"BURGLEFLICKLEWARRRRRGHFUCKDAMMIT
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My grandma was kind enough to pay for my 'broadbent' (broadband). So I'd have to disagree on this one.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what you mean...Ever tried to explain people that you have plug the mouse into the computer in order for it to work?
Submitted by Fishtits at 2004-06-15 10:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Brain: Surely not....no way in hell he could mistake that ring for a cell phone ring.
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LOL, my own dear old mother answers the phone when the doorbell rings. +1 for having to work
with dinosaurs.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if a collection of old people is called a wrinkle.
Submitted by stevo (user info) at 2004-06-15 10:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHA
I feel your pain man. Old people shouldn't be let within a mile of a computer.