Things We Must Get Rid Of: - Vol. 1 (1148 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.28 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (View user info) at 2004-06-15 11:05:40 EDT
Ron Popeil - This guy has to be killed. He is solely responsible for lowering the United States IQ by 15. The fact that he can convince people to buy a can of Spray-on Hair or a Pocket Fisherman is frightening. Do you know anyone who own's these products? He's a damn multimillionaire, but do you notice how no one you know has admited to purchasing any of that crap. Odds are that you and/or some of your friends will never admit that they felt the joy of their brain cells dying within seconds of receiving a Popeil package.
Fuck QVC too.
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Roadside Memorials - Call me an insincere asshole, but I am totally sick of roadside memorials to people who have died in a car accident. When the heck did flowers and crosses start breeding only to be placed on the side of a road? I understand the signs to indicate that a DUI occured at a certain intersection or what not, but these little shrines have got to go. Here's why:
1) Someone puts them up and then of course no one ever takes care of them after a week. The next thing you know there's rotting flowers and a decaying crucifix. Wow! What great way to show your respect for the Lord. And then a couple of more weeks later the freaking grass grows three feet high because the guy, who I pay with my taxes, dares not knock the damn thing over with his mower. It now looks like a damn ancient jungle artifact that even Indiana Jones wouldn't dare go near.
2) There's something to be said about not dwelling on loss. Quit dwelling. Learn to move on. Deal with it yourself. Speaking of dealing with it yourself....
3) I, who do not know you, doesn't not need guilt or sympathy or any of the other crap for someone I have never meet. My family and my personal life has enough problems, crap, and pain that I do not have know what the hell yours are too. People die everday. My friends and family die also, but I don't freakin' put it on a billboard everytime it happens.The same goes for the damn "In Loving Memory of (Insert Name Here)" signs on the back of freakin' cars. I DON'T NEED TO BE READING OBITUARIES ON THE INTERSTATE!!!
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Cancer - There's no reason that this should still be around. All you have to do is kidnap Bill Gates, give him cancer and then kick him out the door. With his money in two months we'll have 5 different cures.
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Juke Box Hero by Foreigner - all hard and soft copies of this recording must be destroyed. I hereby command it.
User Reviews
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-07-08 21:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing.
Submitted by voodoochild (user info) at 2004-06-25 19:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the great post. keep'em coming
-1 for destroying jukebox hero. great song by great band
"HE'S GOT ONE GUITAR!!!"
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-06-16 13:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey monkey - email me, wouldja?
Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren, I'd be happy to remind you, but unfortunately, I have no other way to contact you besides random reviews on Uber... not the most reliable way to go.
I can ask Razor to pass along my work contact to you, and if you see fit, you can drop me a line with an e-mail I can reach you at. That way I can bug you about the photoshop works I've commissioned you for. I promise I will keep the "I love you, please be with me" e-mails to a bare minimum...
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WQP-
"Loren, would you be able to find and photoshop a picture of LSM into a bitchin' Jukebox hero??"
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Absolutely. You'll have to remind me though... because now it's time to pack up my shit and go home!
Thank God too.
I've been getting mauled with "I love you, please be with me" emails from Kaelic all day and I'm exhausted.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cancer - There's no reason that this should still be around. All you have to do is kidnap Bill Gates, give him cancer and then kick him out the door. With his money in two months we'll have 5 different cures.
_________________________
fuckin'-A, man!! Good thinking!!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-15 12:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Juke Box Hero by Foreigner - all hard and soft copies of this recording must be destroyed. I hereby command it."
Fuck Foreigner.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree. With all of them.
I'd like to add to this list:
Margerine.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Loren, would you be able to find and photoshop a picture of LSM into a bitchin' Jukebox hero??
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could I interest you in a Garden Weasel, sir?
Let's take the Jukebox Hero thing one step furthur and get rid of all of those power-mustache bands from the late-70's/early-80's. No more Journey, Foreigner, Survivor, Chicago, Bad Company, Boston, etc...
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:16:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tuesday is rant day.
Monkey, I saw a new post from you and I have to admit, I was a little nervous....
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Really? That's great, because I've got a good one.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loren1 -
Honey, the title of this post would say just the opposite:
"Things We Must Keep Around: - First and Only Volume"
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tuesday is rant day.
Monkey, I saw a new post from you and I have to admit, I was a little nervous....
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy your magazine and wish to subscribe....
Would the Gates Cancer cure work the first time, or would occasional Service Pack cures be required for the continued cure?
Submitted by Swimproduct (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You remind me of a shit salesman, with a mouth full of samples
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with everything here except we should keep Cancer around because he's a nice guy.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-06-15 11:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment