Tom Dances With The Devil (4531 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.95 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-06-15 14:22:04 EDT
For those of you who have been keeping track and following along at home, I'm sure by now you've come to the conclusion that my friend Tom was (and probably still is) a fairly unusual fellow. For the most part, he was a pretty stand-up guy, but a little short-fused, if you know what I mean. For those new to this series, here are the previous installments, if you care for some background:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35379
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34942
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34368
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34256
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33304
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32465
In my last year in college, I was lucky enough to be selected to represent our University's Physics department at an international conference in Exeter (England, people). Tom decided that he'd love to tag along and see the sights. Leave aside the fact that he wasn't even a Goddamned Physics major, and knew no one in the area, but consider that I would be at the conference all day and would certainly not have the time to hang out with him. He didn't care. He wanted to go, and Daddy paid his way.
We stayed at a little Bed & Breakfast called Holbrook Farm. It was a beautiful farmhouse style place, where you could wake up in the morning and have your coffee out on the veranda and just take in the gorgeous views of the countryside. It really was an idyllic setting. Or would have been, if I hadn't been so shitting busy all the time. I was running around, giving presentations, sitting in on presentations, and generally stuck at the University of Exeter for four days. Tom, on the other hand, strolled around the city with not a care in the world, enjoying himself and living like a king off of his father's money.
Tom decided on the last night of our stay to go to a party with some people he had met while touring the University campus. Apparently, he charmed his way into an invitation with some local students. They graciously invited me to come along as well. Of course, Tom convinced the host to let him concoct a batch of jungle juice for everyone.
As these stories always seem to go, the party started out beautifully. I drank a bit, Tom drank a bit, the rest of the guests drank a bit. It was turning into a real good time, a real social event. The Juice tasted a bit different to me, and it looked to be a little darker than usual, but it was still an excellent brew. I thought nothing of it.
Until people started spazzing out.
It started I looked around the house, and what I saw distressed me. People were acting twitchy, like they couldn't sit still. Everyone started speaking a bit quicker than usual. It was as if everyone had taken caffeine pills...caffeine pills...caffeine...
Me: "Hey Tom, how much caffeine did you put in this?"
Tom: "None, I couldn't find any in the store."
Me: "Oh. Okay. I just wondered why ev-"
Tom: "I used the rest of my Metabolife."
Me: "You...used...Met..."
Suddenly, a realization came to me. Tom was the Devil. Not a bad person. The Devil. Satan. Evil Incarnate. The Great Corruptor.
Me: "And the Juice is so dark because..."
Tom: "Oh, that...well, we couldn't find any Mello Yellow or Mountain Dew. So this guy gave me some soda he brought back from Germany. It's called AfriCola. I don't know, I kind of like it. It's a lot like Redbull."
Me: "Could I take a look at the bottle?"
Tom nonchalantly handed me a half-full AfriCola bottle, and upon inspection I was left ignorant of its contents, as the label was in German. Then an English fellow spoke up:
English fellow: "OH YEAH THAT'S GREAT STUFF IT'S WONDERFUL YEAH MATE IT'S BLOODY STRONG THOUGH!!!"
Me: "Whoa, easy there Cool Rock...no need to shout. I'm standing right here."
English fellow: "HEY MATE CAN'T STOP MY HEARTS BEATING LIKE A BLOODY HUMMINGBIRD!!! HUZZAH!!!"
I took a sip of AfriCola. Holy Christ! No kidding that shit was like Redbull. It tasted just like it. So in essence, Tom had infused my precious Jungle Juice with enough Ephedrine and Caffeine to make a speed freak look like a fucking narcoleptic. Tom ran up to me.
Tom: "HUZZAH!!!"
Me: "Tom, stop shouting in my ear."
Tom and English fellow: "HUZZAH!!!"
Me: "Jesus, would you two fucking get away from me?"
Suddenly everyone at the party seemed to think that screeching "HUZZAH" at the top of their lungs was the fucking funniest thing imaginable. Those people, who only hours before, I was sure were perfectly normal British folk, abruptly transformed into Skippy And The Spastic Monkeys. Coming to a town near you. The mob overflowed into the street, shouting and laughing maniacally.
Mob: "HUZZAH!!!"
The mob meandered from street to street in downtown Exeter, shuffling in a sort of Brownian motion, never quite rushing through the city, but never sitting still either. Then someone in the throng got the bright idea of taking off their clothes and streaking through the University campus. So in the end, there was a group of about 40 pasty naked British spazoids and one fucking annoying American, streaking across the University of Exeter, shouting "HUZZAH!!" to innocent passersby and generally wreaking havoc across the countryside. I left to return to Holbrook Farm.
The next morning, I packed all of our things and revisited the site of the previous night's debauchery. The house was littered with half dressed, sleeping people recovering from their activities. One looked like he had died of a heart attack, but I couldn't be sure. Tom was sitting on the couch, playing FIFA soccer and smoking a cigarette Like Nothing Ever Happened.
Fucking psychotic Brits.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kixx (user info) at 2005-02-11 23:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom should mos def come to my next party.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-11-18 16:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to have to learn more about this Tom.. this was hilarious!
Submitted by dolfin (user info) at 2004-08-28 21:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still laughing.. holy crap thats awesome
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HUZZAH!!!! Tom is the greatest!
Submitted by BuzzArcher (user info) at 2004-07-26 13:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HUZZAH!
ahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-16 15:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy bastard.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-16 12:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, here's the full Jungle Juice recipe: http://www.ubersite.com/m/34368
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-15 21:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sorry i really need to do this.
HUZZAH!
hahaha
i don't know why i laughed so damned hard.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-15 20:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
HUZZAH!
Submitted by Uberfuck (user info) at 2004-06-15 20:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Fat Kyle at 2004-06-15 20:04:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny storry, but you shold chill a bit dude. You think ephedrine and cafeine are serious drugs? Try staying up for 6 days on crystal.
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Are you fucking kidding me? There's nothing good about crystal meth. Stupidest thing you can do.
Submitted by Fat Kyle at 2004-06-15 20:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny storry, but you shold chill a bit dude. You think ephedrine and cafeine are serious drugs? Try staying up for 6 days on crystal.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-15 18:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, had accident with scrolly button on mouse.
+2.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-15 18:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That sounds like Exeter Uni on a usual saturday evening, or at least that's what we did when I was there...
Welcome to the South West!
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-15 18:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, man..that's okay. I do that shit all the time.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo - this post is hysterical...fully deserving of a +2 (which is what I meant to rate it). I apologize for fucking it up. I was scrolling too fast and accidentally ranked it +1. My apologies for being such a schmuck.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love these "Tom" stories.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Metabolife is a dieting supplement.
As for the post...I laughed
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-15 15:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom scares me.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
metabolife?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love 151. I wanna try Everclear, though.
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom - wherever he goes, leaving a trail of destruction behind him.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:26:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
HUZZAH!!!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This achieved much awesomeness.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huzz..........oh?
Submitted by Fishtits (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough depressant and stimulant makes anything funny. +2
Thanks for the recipe.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tom kicks ass! another quality piece of entertainment!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huzzah!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-15 14:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HUZZAH!!!