There is a Gateway to Hell in my Neighborhood (623 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.44 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Lynne> (View user info) at 2004-06-15 15:59:17 EDT
It may look like a nice house, inhabited by a nice, upper middle class family of six, but, in reality, it is a gateway into the underworld. A porthole, made from the sinews of the damned and the bowels of sinners. Fire rains from the ceilings and razor sharp rocks project out of the walls. None of this is worse than the creatures who live there.
Of course, it is very well disguised for being Satan's front door, so you can imagine that I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I agreed to babysit the four "children" who live there. As I walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell, I could hear the faint screaming of ten million tormented souls. Or it could have just been the "kids"...
I walked into the house and the mother showed me around. She introduced me to the first of the four kids. We'll call her "Black Death." Black Death ran up to me and and hugged me. She grabbed my hand and dragged me upstairs to show me her room.
Next, I was introduced to the twins, which, for the sake of this story, were named "Holocaust" and "Apocalypse." Holocaust and Apocalypse each took one look at me, then looked at each other, then let out shrieks piercing enough to boil human blood. They both ran off cackling and yelling for me to chase them, which I didn't. The last creature that I was introduced to was their master, the baby. This was Satan himself. Satan's mother immediately launched into a story about how Satan was born without an anus (that's right, without an anus) and that, after all of his surgeries, he tended to mess his diaper several times an hour. I was beginning to realize the mistake that I had made in agreeing to watch these demons.
The mother left.
Black Death immediately began by asking me to play Barbies with her. I told her that I would, as long as we brought it all downstairs so that I could keep an eye on Holocaust, Apocalypse, and Satan. This was too much for Black Death to handle. She let out a painful roar,
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU LIKE THEM BETTTTTEEERRRRRRR!!!! YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO PLAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
I explained to Black Death that I didn't have any favorites and the reason that we all needed to be downstairs is that I needed to keep an eye on her brothers. A peaceful smile came over her face.
"Okay. I'll go get everything." She ran off.
Next, I walked over to Apocalypse and Holocaust to see what they wanted to do. As if I had scared them, they both started screaming and laughing and running away from me. They both hid in obvious places and as soon as I found them, they got up and ran away screaming again. There was no stopping them... unless... I remembered what I had put in my purse just before leaving my house...
"Boys... do either of you want some caaaannnnnddddyyy???"
The two of them came running like prostitutes who smelled crack. I gave them each a lollipop, which would hold them at bay until I formulated a plan. Just then, I smelled something. The smell of rotten carcasses and moldy flesh. Satan had crapped his pants. The baby let out an ear-splitting roar of discomfort. As I was carrying the soiled creature to be changed, I heard a *CRACK*, followed by several booms and smashes. I ran to where it was coming from. Black death had been throwing various Barbie furniture over the railing, and letting it crash onto the hardwood floor. This was all too much for me to handle. I called one of my friends to come over and cover for me while I "ran to the store to buy more diapers for 'Satan.'"
Ha, she never even saw it coming.
User Reviews
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-07-10 17:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lynne, this was really funny. Post more ok?
Submitted by tsu (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending needed more
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-15 18:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh-1
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-15 18:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love kids, but I couldn't eat a whole family.
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry everyone. Three posts were unnecessary.
My computer is fucked up.
So in case you missed it the first time:
-2 to me.
again.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
well written, but the story really dropped off towards the end
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why the three posts?
P.I.C.N.I.C!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Third times the charm?
Submitted by Lynne (user info) at 2004-06-15 16:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry- my computer's fucked up... didn't mean to repost twice.
-2 for me being an idiot