Toilet Etiquette in a Foreign Land (2418 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.76 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2004-06-15 18:45:23 EDT
There are public toilets in Cuba that defy description. I'd learnt this after only a week of my month long stay. Most of them didn't flush and it was often painfully apparent that every other visitor for the last week had been suffering from some terrible, terrible disease. At one point I'd actually seen a human intestine floating in the bowl.
But nothing had prepared me for the horrors of the bathroom in Havana station....
The first thing I saw upon entering the restroom was an unfeasibly large septuagenarian woman wearing nothing save for a pair of fawn-coloured tights (that's pantyhose for the yanks). Now on arriving in Cuba, I'd been expecting some cultural differences. What I did not expect was to enter a public toilet only to be confronted by the pendulous breasts of an elderly woman. This wasn't in the guidebook.
If it hadn't been for the weighty pressure on my bladder, I would have run screaming to the nearest government official. Be cool, I told myself, you're in a strange land and this is probably perfectly acceptable behaviour, not a portent of impending doom. Just walk on, casual, calm, in control. I started whistling.
I was nearly at the cubicle when the she moved directly into my path. That's it, I thought, I'm going to die. She's going to suffocate me with her voluminous tits. Dear god, what will the obituary say? Loving daughter taken from us prematurely by sagging mammaries in a bus station toilet. Sadly missed.
I weighed up my options. I could always turn on my heel and peg it out of there, but by now my bladder was at DEFCON1. I had to get to that toilet and no half naked pensioner was going to stop me.
I sidestepped left. She mirrored me. Stepped sharply right. She was there in front of me again. Suddenly she shot her arm out, palm upward. I recoiled, stopped, looked at her. She wants me to give her some skin??
Yes, that was my first thought, for which my only defence is that every one of my brain cells was preoccupied with the frantic SOS's emanating from my urethra. I mean, come on, I was running the gauntlet with an elderly woman in The World's Dirtiest Restroom™ as her nipples swung freely about her waist - clearly all bets were off. Why shouldn't she want a high five?
I raised my hand and brought it swiftly down onto hers, grinning as only one who thinks they are wordlessly overcoming cultural barriers can grin. Her expression cycled through shock and bemusement before settling on rage. Shit. This was not going to end well.
In the space of three seconds I converted to Christianity and started saying my prayers. As I mentally said my goodbyes to friends and family, she rained down a vicious stream of incomprehensible verbal abuse. I was half way through my 'Dear God, I'm sorry for that time I set fire to my brother's bed' speech when one familiar word broke through from her rant.
"Dollar"
You stupid fucking moron. She only wanted a dollar.
Feeling as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a small pile of poo, I reached into my pocket and silently offered up a bill. She snatched it, pierced me with a hateful glare and walked out through a side door, still muttering obscenities.
The day went downhill from there...
User Reviews
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, at least they have toilets in Cuba. I spent three months in Morocco, and most public restrooms there consisted of a rough hole in the floor that you had to sqat over. It wasn't a fun place to get drunk...can you imagine what would happen if you lost your balance? I think I would kill myself.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-17 14:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dear god, what will the obituary say?"
It would say, "and the day went downhill from there."
Why the HELL would you want to go to Cuba anyway? Did noone ever tell you it was a shithole? At least when Castro dies we can invade and set up a nice resort, but till then, I would steer clear.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-27 12:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brace yourselves for some shameless Cuba story hitwhoring: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36822
Where is my dignity?
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-27 12:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoy a good pair of pendulous breasts once in a while.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-16 13:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
================
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-16 02:38:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
Someone had to do it, i dont think this was THAT great, It was good but not 20; +2's GOOD.
================
Yep, i have to admit i was suprised as well. I thought the weak ending was going to drag it way down ratings wise - i culled it from a much longer Cuba story (of which this was only the preamble) and couldn't be arsed to go back and give the ending more oomph.
That said, you still ruined my +2 streak. Bastard.
;)
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-16 11:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could've benefitted from KoolMang's storage theory: http://www.ubersite.com/m/29094
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-16 10:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moy bueno.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-16 08:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why shouldn't she want a high five?
Why not indeed!! Funny again!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-16 05:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So communism was a success in Cuba, then?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SO?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-16 02:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Someone had to do it, i dont think this was THAT great, It was good but not 20; +2's GOOD.
Submitted by moebius (user info) at 2004-06-16 02:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...frantic SOS's emanating from my urethra."
I feel like this at least once a day.
Is that normal??
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-06-16 02:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How come stuff like this never happens to me? Wait, maybe that's a good thing.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-16 01:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been charged for using foreign toilets, but never by half naked old people, good for you...I guess.
See the thing about toilet ettiquette in foreign countries is, there normally isn't any. Unless you mean charge foreigners extra, and spray urine and fecal matter on as much of the toilet area as you can.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-15 23:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cubans are fucking funny.
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-06-15 23:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
should of beaten her up....you coulda taken her
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-15 23:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your day went downhill from there???
Wow.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-15 22:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-15 21:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-06-15 21:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-15 21:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm saddened you gave her the dollar.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-15 21:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
V. good. This toilets seem positively ambrosial relative to those found in India, however.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-06-15 20:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-15 20:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The rating only counts if you're logged in, chief.
It's fine; still a perfect two. (And deservedly so)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I experienced an emotional catharsis and nearly pissed myself laughing. Sorry about the fucked up rating below. I just ruined your average rating.
Submitted by patheticcapitalistfuck <junkmail1971.at.sbcglobal.net> at 2004-06-15 19:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What I did not expect was to enter a public toilet only to be confronted by the pendulous breasts of an elderly woman. This wasn't in the guidebook.
Wonderful!
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilfuckinglarious........"I sidestepped left. She mirrored me. Stepped sharply right. She was there in front of me again. Suddenly she shot her arm out, palm upward. I recoiled, stopped, looked at her."........Tell me this didn't have a "Matrix" fight sequence feel to it?..Can you hear the music?.......Ever used the shitter in some off the street establishments in Japan?...........talk about a personal "Bombing" raid over Tokyo..........Makes me appreciate what my wife has to do at ANY truckstop south of Tenn......Also explains her thigh strength.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved this.
Submitted by Fishtits (user info) at 2004-06-15 19:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Loving daughter taken from us prematurely by sagging mammaries
in a bus station toilet". You can't put a price on that...uh, I guess
a dollar would cover it after all.
Submitted by cf7 at 2004-06-15 18:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have asked her to dance for that dollar.