squattail reviews some shit (NSFW) (1001 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by squattail (View user info) at 2004-06-16 03:20:52 EDT
Movie: Cabin Fever (2002)
Cabin Fever is probably the funniest movie in the history of film. Think Lake Placid only with less shit and more humor. The plot is basically just a typical teen horror movie, involving a group of college students going out to stay in a log cabin in the woods. But the dialogue is what makes this movie special. IE:
Paul: So, what's the fox urine for?
Store owner: Oh that's for foxes.
Karen: What's the rifle for?
Store owner: That's for niggers.
Out of context != funny. But it all comes together.
karen: wait - is your dog friendly?
grimm: yeah, yeah. he's cool. this is dr. mambo. here, boy. come on. come on, dr. mambo!
marcy: is it "dr." like a physician or a professor?
grimm: yeah, he's a professor...OF BEING A DOG! oof! faced! scratch-moded.
That last one liner made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes. The best script, the absolute worst plot, and some other fucked up shit makes this one of the best movies you are ever likely to see.
5/5 stars.
TV: Chilly Beach
Quite possible the worst cartoon in the Western World. The only reason why I watched half an episode was because they claim to be more popular than the Simpsons in Canada. It is basically just a southpark rip-off, except they forgot to rip-off the humor. The result? A poorly animated piece of shit which will have you frowning the whole way through. Remember the simpsons episodes where they had that online cartoon called Angry Dad? Well, sometimes life mimics art. And Simpsons is art. Chilly Beach is a diarrhea soaked douche. Here is a quote from the episode I watched:
Some Russian Guy: Blah Blah Blah Marxist.
Canadian fuck: Har Har. I Don't understand what Marxist means. Har Har.
A fucking hoot indeed. Enter the chamber of horrors if you dare: http://www.chillybeach.com
0/5 stars. Probability of it airing another season = 4%.
PC GAME: Painkiller
Halflife changed the way first person shooters were made from then on. But painkiller seems to be based on a similar engine to oldschool FPS, ie: Doom/Quake. The AI? Stupid but comes in hordes, hacking with knives and some other stuff. Plot? The character and his wife die in a car crash. She goes to Heaven, he hangs around pergatory killing demons for God. The textures are high res and there is a lot of bump and dot mapping. The weapons are pretty good, the main one being the pain/killer. Pain is like a circular saw for melee attacks, killer is the same saw piece but it flies out and rips people. There is also a wooden stake gun which can shoot 3ft long stakes. There are half a dozen bosses, all about 300ft high with respect to the player. Absolutely no single-player replay value. Unless you actually payed money for it, you may as well play it through then snap it.
4/5 stars.
MUSIC: Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News (2004)
I imagine if I had have actually bought this CD I would have opened it to find a post-it stuck to the disc saying: "You should have bought the single. Enjoy the one good track on the whole CD". Yes, except for their smash-hit single "float on", this album blows tubgirl. Now, for float on, I don't think anyone could say "this is a bad song", it is a solid "good". But the rest of the album sounds nothing like this track. When you are recording music, obviously you can't please everyone. It is better to have an album that half the population likes and half hates than to have an album where half the popular loves half the tracks and hates the rest, while vice versa for the other half. What the fuck did I just say? I don't know. Perhaps if people didn't download mp3s so much they would get more money and produce better music. Most likely not, so for the 1/16 tracks that is actually good, I will award this nasty CD 1/6 * 5 stars.
.8/5 stars
And here is a screenshot of Painkiller:
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-08 07:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think you missed a few of my old posts, be sure to go back and -2 them.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-06-16 18:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agree with squattail this much can't be a good thing. If anyone needs me I'll be taking a long bath with my toaster.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-16 18:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-16 13:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i hate you because that screenshot made me splooge in my pants. now i have to go change my pants.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-16 09:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I personally like GNFWLBN, but "Moon and Antarctica" and "Lonesome Crowded West" were better albums.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-16 06:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-06-16 05:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good reviews. I may check out Painkiller.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pancaaaaaaaakes!!!!!- the funniest part in Cabin Fever.
Oh, and Modest Mouse's new album sucks...compared to the older MM. I suppose it's acquired; I'll have to get used to it.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Painkiller is a badass game. Firing oversized spikes through zombies has never been so much fun.
Modest Mouse have had better albums, try 'The Moon and Antarctica'.