The reason I lived alone until recently (707 hits)
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Submitted by <oleannder.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-16 10:50:06 EDT
Since there have been so many tales about roommates lately I thought I would add my own tale to the mix. It's about 3 girls and the first apartment they rented together. No names have been changed to protect the insane.
Cast you minds back to the summer of 1995. It was oddly warm summer for British Columbia & I had my first REAL job. After bumming around with my two very best friends in the whole world for the better part of a year after graduation, we decided to get an apartment together. Oh what fun we'd have doing each others hair & living in our own little community. We were morons.
We really 'lucked out' on our first place. It was half of an old house - three bedrooms, two bathrooms & hardwood floors in the kitchen. We would share a laundry with the women who rented the back of the house. After we found the 'perfect' apartment we drew straws for the rooms, I lucked out & got the largest bedroom with a walk in closet & on-suite bathroom. Marissa got the second largest bedroom (considered to be normal size) while poor Yee got shuffled off to what we liked to call the Kidnapped Room. It was about the size of the interior of a mini van, her door had a lock - from the outside hall and her light switch was also located in the hallway. A week or so after we moved in we discovered that the previous tenants must have kept their dog in there too because Yee came down with fleas.
After the fleas were sorta kinda taken care of we settled into our new digs. That's were we started to notice things about each other that we had never noticed before. Although I was a complete & total slob about my bedroom, I was anal retentive about keeping the rest of the house clean whereas the other two were slobs. Marissa had spent the majority of her life being her mothers whipping boy & flatly refused to clean up after herself. After she lost the job that her father had gotten her at his work, we would quite often come home to find her dirty drunk ass sitting in the middle of the living room eating KFC that had been in the fridge for 2 weeks. While Yee was never intentionally slob she had been raised with a maid & did not know how to do any of the cleaning herself. Oddly enough she did enjoy washing the dishes & we could sometimes hear her having a grand old time in the kitchen, babbling away at them & she cleaned.
Then we started driving each other insane. Marissa & Yee went on a diet together. A diet that Yee read about in the book of one of her favorite new age gurus. This diet that the guru recommended would purge the body & soul of all toxins consisted of eating only foods that were red or white. No variation on that. They would also have to spend at least one hour a day relaxing under the energizing glow of a red light while listening to some soothing music. Did I mention that this same guru died of malnutrition?
So one day I came home from a very long day at work & I find the two freakshows have decided to blast the them from Star Wars out of my stereo at full blast while they relax in their own rooms under red lamps. Our neighbors have been pounding on the joining door & begging them to stop. Yet when I turned off the stereo, I am the one who gets yelled at for ruining their karma. It wasn't long before I had come up with the plan to subvert them. All I needed to do was taken them on independent trips to McDonalds & then swear that I wouldn't tell the other that they had some McNuggets. It was so easy.
What wasn't easy was the era of the 'psychic headaches'. They convinced me to join them in an evening of meditation at a local new age shop run by an older couple. I found it to be a somewhat relaxing evening where I did not have to hear them talk for a whole hour. Marissa & Yee decided in their own fevered heads that the older man running the shop wanted to take over their minds & was trying to psychically invade them. They had to remain alert at all times lest he worm his way in. Every headache was the result in his trying to 'probe' them & the only defense they had from it was if I was massaging their heads to ward him off. They were convinced that I had awesome psychic powers because I had not succumbed to his 'awesome force' and that odd things have a way of happening when I am around. Whereas I like to think that I am just a sane person in a clumsy persons body. After two months & many fights over 'psychic headaches' I found that putting up something really crappy looking (that you can have any 3 year old make) and telling them that they were protective charms, ended it all. I was now officially the High Priestess of Looneyville.
After the women who lived behind us got into a huge fight that involved our calling the cops on them (screaming that you will have your boyfriend come over & rape the other is never a good way to settle an argument) they disappeared in the middle of the night. So we now had a HUGE 5 bedroom house with two kitchens, sauna, Jacuzzi tub & extra living room for only $800 a month. The women had left their cars behind & after two months of cops looking for them & no word we sold the cars to a scrapper & bought more booze so Marissa could get even drunker while not looking for a job. Her parents paid for one half of her rent while she was with us. So in her mind as long as she was paying half of what she was supposed to then she wouldn't have to come up with the rest if she spent the rest of her time at her parents place. Nevermind that she ate the food or used the phone & power. I figure that she probably owes Yee & I $2000 each to this day.
Eventually Yee & I told Marissa that we were going to get another apartment of our own. Our lease was running out & the owner wanted to sell. I think she was actually pretty happy about it so she went back to sponging off her parents full time.
That's when Yee went crazy.
When we moved I had noticed that she was a bit on the light side when it came to furnishings. Since I had paid for everything in the apartment from the forks to the couch I had not noticed how she kept her room. Yee lived out of cardboard boxes for close to 3 years. She slept on a mattress on her floor. Her new diet consisted solely of toasted avocado sandwiches. She took on an alarming gray hue that I have never seen any Asian person have before.
What really sealed the deal was her new boyfriend. I like to call him Splatt. Splatt looked like a caveman. He had very pronounced brows but that was the only pronounced thing about him. He could barely speak but managed to convey that he wanted to be an actor one day. How? Maybe some day they will have an all Cro-Magnon cast on the OC. Until that day I just don't see it happening. He was crude - Yee had an on-suite bathroom at the new apartment yet he insisted on using the main one... leaving little gifts in the bowl. And he never used toilet paper. He also bought her a rabbit. They kept it loose in her room, where she slept on a mattress on the floor. They also had a jar of open honey on the floor. The things this rabbit must have seen probably drove it mad. The escape attempts were numerous.
Yee's parents bought the apartment for her & we were using the rent to pay off the mortgage. They bought her everything, a car an apartment & had paid into a fund for her education. All she needed to do was take one simple class a year or all that money would be lost. Of course she dropped out. After her parents had been informed she decided that she wanted to go to school again & she wanted them to pay for it. Again. They agreed but only if the apartment was sold to pay for it. Yee went along with it & I had to move out. I have not seen her since & my phone number has been blocked from calling her. I only found out recently that they thought that I had introduced their little girl to drugs. Wait til they find out that its their son who's her dealer & has been growing pot in their attic for years.
I'd pay to see that.
User Reviews
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-16 19:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent. Anyone who complains, in any serious fashion, about having their karma ruined or any similar new age bullshit, should be subjected to torments so brutal that I can barely keep the contents of my stomach down while merely thinking of them. Cunts
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2004-06-16 13:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. It reads more like Girl Interrupted than your average roommate story... *shudder* Thankfully I moved out of the House of Captive Breeding of Computers...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-16 11:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-16 11:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wow
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-06-16 11:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these kinds of stories.
GK