My neighbors are so fucking festive! (614 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: blog
Rating: 1.68 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by La Nuggeta (View user info) at 2004-06-16 21:03:54 EDT
Let me tell you about my neighbors... specifically the two who live on the same floor as I do.
The Indian boy who lives in the apartment next to me has had some Halloween decorations up for two years now. I almost never see this guy, although one time I did go into his apartment. You see, they were changing all the door-handles and vents (purely cosmetic changes, I assure you!) one morning. I had men swarming around my apartment (which surprisingly, is NOT the norm!) all day. I didn't mind too much, and I think they enjoyed the lemonade and cookies I prepared for them.
Okay, you're right, I didn't prepare shit. I just sat on my patio, annoyed as fuck because I had stuff to do, but I could not do these things with men flitting about my apartment. Although it did give me time to read the book I'm currently enjoying- Atlas Shrugged. If you were wondering, it's quite an amazing book... although I'm only about halfway through it, I would nearly venture to say that it is one of the most compelling and thought provoking books that I have read in quite some time.
After four hours of me huddled out on my patio- book in hand, dog at my feet, cat-litter-box fumes suffocating me, I noticed it was time for me to get ready to go to work. I sat there, in my green plastic chair (which happen to look exactly like Apollos chairs: http://www.ubersite.com/m/33738 ), debating on the best way to go about this. I do realize most people would just get up and go inside, tell the guys it's time for them to shower... but I am NOT most people, I am a bit anal-retentive and over-analytical... My problem was this: There were three men in my bathroom... do I just go in and ask them to leave so I can shower? Do I go to work without showering? Do I wait just a few more minutes, and see if they finish? Will they get the hint if I just start rummaging about? Will they tell me I can not shower? Will they laugh at me? Will I annoy them? They have work to do, will I piss them off for interrupting, or will they welcome the break?
Then I hear one guy say, "Oh fuck... we hit a pipe... turn the water off!!".
Oh.
Had I not been sitting on my patio, hee-hawing around, trying to figure out what to do... had I just ACTED without spending too much time analyzing every outcome of my need to shower, they would not have hit a pipe. They would be milling about the living room, waiting for me to finish soaping my luscious body and caressing my... anyway...
Damn me.
So I call the maintenance guy. He says, "Oh, I'm working in the apartment next to yours, come over here real quick". I ask him, "In the Indian guys place?".
Yes, there.
So I go into this guys apartment, and it's weird. REALLY WEIRD.
I don't mean that the apartment was weird, I'm speaking of the weirdness that comes from being in someones apartment when they don't know about it. I felt like a criminal, or a pervert- which isn't all too unusual- but the fact that I felt this way in my neighbors apartment was a new experience. I find myself tiptoeing through the apartment as if someone was sleeping or studying. The whole time I'm looking around, comparing my decor to Indian Boys... oh... I'm glad I have a rug in my dining room... oh, maybe I should put mirrors above my bed, too? etc etc etc ... I finally find my way to the kitchen (which wasn't too difficult, seeing as how our apartments are carbon-copies of each other). I find the maintenance guy and he hands me his keys, and tells me to just shower at his place. He too, is one of my neighbors. He has a dog that loves my apartment. If I have my door open for more than 1.4 seconds, his dog runs in, and mauls my cat. They all love it. Fun.
As I'm walking into Maintence guys apartment, I realize that he still has his fourth of July shit up. It's been up for almost a year now. I turn and look at the Indian Guys apartment to confirm that, yes indeed, he still has that scarecrow up. I turn to look at my own door. Yes, as I suspected... it's BARE!
***
Yesterday I was at JoAnn fabric and I found a santa door hanging thing for fifty cents.
I looked at it and smiled. Surprisingly, it did not smile back.
I picked it up and headed towards the check-out.
Then I thought, "oh, I'm trying to save $1000 in six months... I shouldn't spend any more money!". And headed back to the Bargin Bin.
Then I thought, "oh, Corinne, it's only fifty cents." and I turned towards the check-out again.
Then I thought, "Don't forget tax!". I tossed it back into the bin, and prepared to leave the store, before I was tempted with his smiling eyes.
"Corinne?" I hear.
No no, Santa didn't say it... it was a friend of mine. She stood with a sash of fabric hanging over her arm (an ugly green mess, I hope she's not going to make a shirt out of it), and a squished look on her face.
"What?" I ask. My tone is a bit defensive, I'll admit... but what else would she expect, after giving me that weird look? She asks what I'm doing, walking back and forth with Santa. I quickly explain my situation to her, expecting her to feel sorry for me, I'll admit that, too.
I must be a very compelling speaker! She rolled her eyes, heaved a big sigh, and then she HANDED ME A DOLLAR!
I made a profit on the purchase!
I hurried home to hang Santa up... the whole time quite smug with thoughts of how funny and witty I am.
Today both the Indian Guy and the Maintenance man gave me weird looks.
I don't think they get the joke.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-18 07:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahah!
I've told you before though, no way can your charis be the same as mine. The Queen made mine.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-17 21:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently I am the last person on the planet to read Rand.
Am I the last person to have tried eating "Pork shaped in a rib form" from Swansons? It was pork-loaf that was made in a "rib" mold. Quite interesting.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-17 08:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your neighbors are festive, I'm sure they would enjoy a nice fireworks show in the hallway.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-17 08:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ayn Rand...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-17 08:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah! I can't believe you just said that...
I didn't even know John Galt EXISTED until you just said that.
I'm only at the part where Lillian finds out about the affair!
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-06-17 07:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm...atlas shrugged.
Did anyone else skip most of the John Galt speech near the end?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-17 01:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahahahaha!
your name is nug-Get
neat story. You are definitely anal - I can recognize one of my own.
smoke more weed.
Submitted by JChristian1965 (user info) at 2004-06-17 01:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey....
Submitted by Stressedexonian (user info) at 2004-06-17 01:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont really know why, cause I read the post and was like, haha funny. Then I looked at the pics and started laughing my ass off (maybe that was because I got like 4 hrs sleep last night?) SO congrats on your pure dumb luck
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-17 01:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think they both get the joke only too well!
Anyway here's a book to look out for
Shantaram.
Here is a link to a page that has some background etc on it
http://www.anovelview.com/bookreviews/shantaram_by_gregory_david_roberts.htm
This book I consider to be THE BEST book I have ever read!
And it is a monster so it is real value for money!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-17 00:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-17 00:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are getting one for the story, and one for your taste in books. You should also read fountain head, it is by the same chick but give it some time after you finish atlas shrugged, too much mrs rand will drive you crazy.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-17 00:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fetish, you apparently don't have much to say tonight. You No Commented both of my posts!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shandy,
No I have not read any James Thurber. Email me a list of the top FIVE books I need to read. Even better... Mail me some books. You can address them to:
Corn Nugget
Apartment A3
Michigan
Peyote... perhaps you need more... peyote to enjoy my post?
and, PCF... thanks so much... I'm in the market for some Uber Fans. I don't seem to have enough. Applications are available, just mail a note to the above address.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a tragedy to see that mighty work of art dissappear so quickly from the front page, but this was a good engaging read, a pleasure. and alas, i can relate to the dithering and speculating only too well.
BUT, there is somethign missing from this post. did you actually shower in the maintenance guys apartment?? did you use his soap????? DID ANY EXTRA SPECIAL ILLICIT CARESSING TAKE PLACE????? or is this material that your wicked alter ego will tackle?
btw, have you ever read any James Thurber?
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the rules. Post twice. Both were damn funny.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have that asme skarecrow!
GO SCARECRWOS SOWO!?
Submitted by peyotesands (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...snore...
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about posting twice in a day. I'm constantly breaking uber rules.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-16 21:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And yes I did post twice in the same day... but I figure it's okay since the other post was for my dear lovely Shandy Insane and Apollo...
This is what I really wanted to post.