This Wasn't In the Manual... (1053 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.82 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-17 11:31:59 EDT
I remember being a child. I remember Lego blocks and Barbie dolls and Enid Blyton books. Toys that I had to play with. I never had a toy that played with another toy.
Times have changed. The twins had their first birthday last month. As a responsible parent who knows the value of money and the importance of not spoiling your children, I naturally went out and bought the biggest, brightest, 'your child will be able to attend university in a week if you buy this'-est toys I could find.
Huge. They sing. They have lights. They teach my children patterns and colours and shapes. They react to light and dark and sound and touch. It took me three hours to put one together (and this is a woman who can assemble flat-packed computer desks from Ikea when all the screws are missing.) The girls love them.
I hate the fucking things. They react to EVERYTHING. If I turn on a light in my own room at one in the morning, I hear this tootling, happy little version of "Mary Had a Litle Lamb" echoing through my house. (Please, try to imagine how creepy that is.) When one goes off, it sets off the other one. They sing to each other down there in the dark while I try not to cry and muster up the courage to go and face them.
There's something wrong with the big one. I switch it off, every night when I go to bed. I make sure. I double check it. And yet, at three in the morning without fail, I'm woken by 'DadadadaDAADAADAAAA'. (I can curse very fluently when I'm not quite awake, it seems; the part of my brain that tries not to say things like 'Oh, fucking dog cunt slit licking fuck of a thing' is still comatose.) Without fail, I stub my toe, hit my head, and almost fall down the stairs on my way to where the plaything of Satan blares its obnoxious little mockery of all things pure. Without fail, it is still switched off when I get there. It's lit up like a Christmas tree, screaming at me in its electronic voice, and the switch is firmly pressed to 'Off'. I kick it and it stops. I go back to bed.
I want to take the batteries out as I have done with so many other irritating toys, but these toys are different in some fundamental way. I'm afraid to, for three reasons:
*Cadence and Imogen would be irrevocably psychologically scarred for life if they crawled up to their glowing singing 'Playcenter' and it was cold and silent. It would be like having a pet die, or something.
*I'm afraid that I'll take the batteries out, and hide them, and leave the infernal thing gutted and dead, and wake up at three in the morning to 'DadadadaDAADAADAAAA'. No fucking around, the idea scares me.
*I'm afraid that I'll be woken at three in the morning by a little electronic voice whispering from beside my bed "Let's see what makes YOU go", and the last thing I'll see is the lights all flashing red, blinkblinkblink, as the top of my head is removed by the furry arms it has grown.
You'd be afraid too.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always feel britishly dry and a little too detached when I write "Laughing out loud". But I can't bring myself to write *LOL*, I never know how many ha's I want to be in hahahahaha and AHAHA!, while pleasing in it's symmetry, is a little manic.
So.. um.. You make me feel stuff.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 17:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe. That is your name. Remember it forever. It is the only constant in your life from now on. Never forget. You are a slave to the machine and the only thing that sets you apart is your name. Circe.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im afraid of furbys, or however the fuck you spell that shit.
im convinced that they want to kill me.
its not the death part thats scary, so much as the last thing i see being its creepy dead eyes as it bites out my trachea with its plastic beak-type-thing.
*shudders*
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 16:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-07 11:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*I'm afraid that I'll take the batteries out, and hide them, and leave the infernal thing gutted and dead, and wake up at three in the morning to 'DadadadaDAADAADAAAA'. No fucking around, the idea scares me.
*I'm afraid that I'll be woken at three in the morning by a little electronic voice whispering from beside my bed "Let's see what makes YOU go", and the last thing I'll see is the lights all flashing red, blinkblinkblink, as the top of my head is removed by the furry arms it has grown.
BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gasp, choke, snort) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Awesome in SO many ways.
But seriously, change the batteries and the "episodes" should stop. It defies logical explanation, but it works.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"where the plaything of Satan blares its obnoxious little mockery of all things pure"
Just one example of what I love about your writing.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will now commence reading everything you have written.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-22 03:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-21 17:25:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
And, if I keep giving you +2's and compliments, can I have sex with you?
_______________________
Smartass comment.. smartass comment.. come on, Circe, think! Say something funny and flirty. Okay.. right. Here we go:
Yes.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-21 17:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, clear plastic tape over the speakers works wonders for your piece of mind. If they peel off the tape, tell them they broke the toy and you have to take it away for repairs for awhile. Kids figure out the deal pretty quick. Also, I kind of like the names you picked.
And, if I keep giving you +2's and compliments, can I have sex with you?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-19 17:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:38:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just one of the reasons that I will never ever buy my children (when i have them) anything that makes noise
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I said the same thing. And then EVERYONE ELSE bought them toys that make noise. It is a losing battle.
Circe, your children's names are beautiful.
This post was funny and terrifying.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-19 17:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These toys are really creepy, especially when the batteries do finally start to run down in 5 years, and the toys are mysteriously activated at the bottom of the toy box!!! Then they sound like you forgot to take your anti-hallucenogenic.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-17 20:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is quite timely, as i'm just about to get my sledgehammer and SMASH EVERY SIGNLE ELECTRONIC APPLICANCE IN THE HOUSE (except the whitegoods).
or maybe i'll do them too.
and all the fucking windows. then i'll go under the house and smash the shit out of the foundations.
then i'm going to tandy electronics head office and telstra head office and smash every cunt in there into bloody pulp. especially dick fucking smith.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-06-17 20:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*I'm afraid that I'll take the batteries out, and hide them, and leave the infernal thing gutted and dead, and wake up at three in the morning to 'DadadadaDAADAADAAAA'. No fucking around, the idea scares me.
this happened to me with a furby- i still have nightmares.
Submitted by JChristian1965 (user info) at 2004-06-17 18:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Personally I thought this was funny as hell!
If this was worse than your other ones, let me go check those out then....
*clickety click*
Submitted by convicted_child_rapist (user info) at 2004-06-17 17:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd love to have bumsex with you as you were sleeping.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-17 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good but you've done so much better.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am now afraid to have children (with toys), thanks.
I like their names. Imogene is very old fashioned and I think those names need to come back in style. My cousin just named her child Mercedes. I just don't love that, but to each their own.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story.
I thought Imogen was the company that bred the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park?
Sorry, but those names are pretty wierd.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is it with people and not naming their kids normal fucking names....
(still a good post though)
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite good.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you... but this had me laughing non stop.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Circe, who would have thought making fun of someone's kids names would hurt their feelings...ok, I am an ass.
Submitted by dammit at 2004-06-17 12:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 for naming your kids after a crappy Julia Stiles character and a burn victim from Shallow Hal.
+2 for not crying at mary had a little lamb - that's just fucking scary.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My son had one of those leap frog alphabet pads. When the batteries went low, it would randomly say a letter every minute or so. At 2am the thing would start spelling out messages from satan.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very well done. i have the same problem at my house. i think the on and off switches are strictly there for aesthetic effect as no parent in their right mind would buy a noise making toy that didn't have a kill switch.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious, but the funniest part was the name you made up for your ankle biters, "Cadence and Imogen"...those names are jokes righI will just pretend they are.
_______________________________
I consider myself a fairly thick-skinned person. I was stunned by the fact that that actually stung a little.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just one of the reasons that I will never ever buy my children (when i have them) anything that makes noise.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious, but the funniest part was the name you made up for your ankle biters, "Cadence and Imogen"...those names are jokes righI will just pretend they are.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
awwwwwww
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:06:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
That third option sounds like a great story. Mind if I write it sometime? :-)
_____________________
As long as you keep the demonic toys happily killing anyone besides me, go ahead.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That third option sounds like a great story. Mind if I write it sometime? :-)
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Repeatedly.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-17 11:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well if you hadnt have gotten drunk that night and gotten knocked up, we wouldnt have this problem, now would we?