Don't Shit Your Pants, Man; It's Just a Bear (1017 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <silvrwolf.at.dinguspc.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-17 11:53:15 EDT
...or, "Of Grizzlies and Feces: An Epiphany On Hunting"
I used to be an avid hunter. When I was 22, I had the chance to spend two weeks in Montana hunting elk. The four people in my hunting party flew into a remote area by bush plane. And there we were; in one of the most beautiful mountain environments I've ever seen. The realization hit me when I watched the plane lift off from the ground, returning to the airport 120 miles away: we were freaking ALONE out here; my two cousins, a guide, and myself.
We spent four days walking even deeper into the terrain following the elk herd. Day 5: we tracked the elk to a hellaciously steep valley, I like to call it "The Ass-Crack of Hell" (TACOH). No one could arrange a shot, so we set up camp.
Early in the AM on day 6, the herd was still in the same valley. I decided to break from my group to scout another valley that intersected TACOH. My damned pioneering spirit just made me ignore the logic in my own mind (hey stupid, you live on the east coast, not in the fucking Rockies). Much to the guide's apprehensions, I started off on what would become a four-day, nightmarish hell-trip nearly 2,000 vertical feet below the camp, alone.
I found a perfect rock cliff sticking directly into the two intersecting valleys and started checking the terrain with binoculars. And then it happened.
The mountain came to life with crashing, terrifying, primordial noise. Trees smashing. Rocks knocking into one another. More trees snapping. All of this was underpinned by an almost unnoticable low, grumbling sound. At first, I thought I was going to be crushed by a landslide. It just sounded like a train was coming through the woods. That's when I saw it.
A huge, galloping mass of brown moving faster than I've ever seen anything go through the woods was coming directly at me. And it was pissed off. 100 feet away. It's kind of like that feeling you get when you KNOW you've walked into the wrong part of town, and the street thugs spotted you first. Now my .300 Winchester Magnum is one of the most powerful rifles in the world, which is all good, except that it's still slung over my shoulder. 75 feet. I always carried a .44 magnum revolver on my side when hunting big game, so of course, it came out of the holster as fast as I could draw it. 50 feet. "Jesus Christ," I thought, "I'm not even going to get a shot off before this fucker shreds me in two!"
I had a strange feeling in my stomach. And not from an adrenaline rush, either. I didn't realize at the time what was happening to me. Boom! Boom! 35 feet. Boom! 30 feet. Boom! Boom! Inside of twenty feet, it crashed, rolled, tumbled to a stop. Boom! "FUCK YOU!!!! YEAH!" I was a conquerer and a warrior. The adrenal glands still pumping, I went from scared to utterly defiant in the face of death. And then I smelled it.
It hit me as soon as I smelled it, too. The warm, sagging feeling in my underwear. That oh-so-strange feeling in my stomach. I had literally shit myself and never had time to notice. I inspected the bear quickly and bolted to the nearest creek. I knew my party would be running down the mountain to see what had caused me to... uh... cut loose. I stripped down, jumped in the creek and washed my ass, gave my undies a fling, and promptly puked like I was a binge drinker...
We ID'd it as a female. It took four days to pack her out to the camp. I got a nice story and some pictures (fate is cruel; they were lost in a house fire last year) out of it. I still get growling, roaring phone calls from my cousins at 2AM. But most importantly of all, I have not put any live creature in the sights of a gun since. I think I left my love for hunting in a pair of Hanes briefs somewhere in the Montana wilderness.
<...Well, there it is. It isn't pretty, but maybe it'll entertain the uber-clique for a little while...>
User Reviews
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-11 13:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have not put any live creature in the sights of a gun since.
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Good.
Too bad you put yourself in a position where a beautiful animal was killed, it just should not have happened. Breaks my heart.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have just thrown your shit at it.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-07-25 18:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sundance kids reply smells like what you had in your pants. He broke records in what? Fibbing? Anyone who hunts a great deal will know that in grizzly country you always carry a handgun for defensive use, exactly because you may not be able to whip a rifle around in time. I think a good gun for today (although heavy as a skank) is a desert eagle.
This post was very enjoyable. Also tell your friend, he needs to know the girl is a ho.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-06-29 21:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that feeling. Well written!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-17 21:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would you go hunting 120 miles away from civilisation? You would have a hell of job even eating 1 elk with only four people.
I can understand hunting for food. Hunting for sport trophies though is a different story.
+2 for shitting yourself. Did you look for cubs?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-17 18:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick ass!! And...drop it apparently, as well.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-17 15:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
poopypants!!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for your reply... nicely done.
I hope you understand that a good portion of the stories and writings on here are indeed bullshit. You have proven that it's not. I was not aware of the the exact time period when Grizzlies became endangered. I also didn't realize your back was against a cliff, I merely pictured a bear on a hill. And in my own mind I had mistakenly declared bullshit before reading the post clearly. I apologize.
Now, as for your greenhorn comments:
Since growing up in Wyoming I have been to every state this country has to offer. I've been to Alaska and Montana to see Grizzly bears.
I've killed two elk, a deer, an antelope, 3 turkeys and a jackrabbit.
I've broken several American records and one World Record.
I've been to Shanghai, Beijing, Moscow, Sydney, Melbourne, Paris, Monaco, Rome, London, Guatemala, Tokyo, and Fiji.
I've met the Pope.
I've loaded shells for a highly modified 7mm-.06 that my father owns. I've shot nearly every rifle there is to shoot.
(I'm sure you've done all that, right?)
I'm not familiar with handguns.
Don't make any assumptions about me because I know I've done pleanty of things with my life at 25. And don't call a 6'4" 200lb man a "bitch boy". In all your enlightened years of experience, you should know that.
Much Respect.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another +2 just for being you. I look forward to you next contribution.
====================================================
I'm not always this nice...
Aww, fuck it... Shut your piehole, little bitch boy. The best part of you ran down your mother's leg. Peace.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
here. i gave myself a -2 for replying to my own post.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SundanceKid, I was going to let that one go, but your ignorance should be enlightened. #1) In 1984, grizzlies were not yet endangered, only threatened. #2) To this day, if a grizzly is charging you, you have the right to defend yourself. #3) A Ruger Super Blackhawk with a 10" barrel firing +P+ 230 grain semi-wadcutter projectiles generates about 1550 fps muzzle velocity. That's enough energy to penetrate ordinance gelatine (about the same consistincy(sic) as a mammal's body tissues) 13.5 inches. I know this because I load my own shells and still shoot competitively today. #4) I'd like to see you stand your ground while 1100 lbs of pissed-off teeth, claws, and kinetic energy ran at 20-30 mph directly at you, with your back to a 60-foot sheer drop-off. You'd have fired every fucking shot you had and kept pulling the trigger long after the weapon was empty. #5) If you read the post, we were 120 MILES from the nearest village, and that includes the game station.
Your biggest mistake was assuming that I am a 20-something youngster trying to get some attention. I've been everywhere and done everything and everyone that you haven't even had enough years on this planet to experience. I owned my first firearm while you were probably still sucking on mama's tit. Get some of that greenhorn out of you, and then we'll talk. Otherwise, you were a monumental waste of time. I'm not always this nice...
Aww, fuck it... Shut your piehole, little bitch boy. The best part of you ran down your mother's leg. Peace.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True or not it was a good read and it was much better than the law enforcement story.
As your new I'm not going to mark you down for posting twice in a day. You may notice that the first post you made has been removed from the front page. Lifes a shit.
Walrus
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA. You pooped.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a wee bit skeptical about bringing down a grizzly bear with a handgun, but it's a good story.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bullshit... I'm calling pure bullshit. And it's not in your drawers, it's in your story.
A .44 handgun is not going to kill a Grizzly dead in it's tracks.
Grizzly's are endangered, you should have been fined.
Anyone who comes in contact with a bear knows to stand your ground, not start shooting off rounds like you're in WWII.
Even if it really did happen, the G&F department would have helped you carry it out in one or two trips tops.
You don't have pictures because it never happened.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way, way better.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
badass. almost b@w material... almost.
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hunting is shitty.
Oh man...its funny.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice story +1
second post today -1
it got you first post off the front page +1
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-17 12:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BRAVO! Well written. I laughed till the other cubites gave me "the look".