Fecal Phobia; or, The Day Pornography Made Me Weep (697 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.3 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-17 13:01:44 EDT
I love porn. Who doesn't. I can't think of any better way to spend my day than sitting in front of the computer or TV watching girls get it on with other girls. Lesbians are great. Not the real ones, the ones that are actually hot, like in the movies.
I had to call in work yesterday. Apparently the night before, Lucifer himself crawled down my throat and was hanging out in my stomach, and about 3am he got bored and wanted to take a swim in the toilet. Disguised as broccoli chunks and some General Tsao's Chicken, he forced his way out my throat and into the water. I knew it had to be that vomit doppleganger Satan because I didn't have broccoli that evening. I'm too observant for that guy. Shortly after my chucking episode, a young priest and an old priest showed up, the power of Christ compelled me to flush the phlegm-covered ingredients away, and that short lady from Polgergeist gave me a thumbs up with "this house is clean." Thanks, Gertrude...or whatever your name is.
So I called in to work, spent the morning recovering in bed, and woke up about noon. I spent the day being lazy, surfing uber as usual. But wha? Whats this? My roommate had a present he wanted to show me. "I just downloaded the best porn ever, man. Check it out." Aww gee, thats swell. Some people sure know how to make a guy forget all about gagging up his intestines.
So I roll my wheely computer chair over to his monitor to check out the goodness. I could tell by the still screenshot of the first frame that it was going to be great....one girl laying down, the other in a squat position over her face, ready for tongue-on-cooter action. He clicked play, and I heard a faint "unhhh" that could only mean pleasure was ensuing.
Now, before I continue, let me explain something to you folks. I have a strong strong phobia of shit. Feces. Anal Logs. Human Excrement. However you want to say it. Especially from females. The thought of any girl farting, shitting, or anything of that nature puts me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Ive subconsciously learned to stay away from all bathrooms that have been in contact with a female for at least 2-3 hours. I dont know why I'm like this, and Im pretty sure its not normal, but I figure going to a psychiatrist could make me NOT hate it, and to me that seems far more screwed up.
So anyways, back to the porn. Watching attentively with my face close to the screen, I see two lumps of dung slowly drop out one chicks butt, and onto the chest of the other! A goddamn cleveland steamer people! I was mortified and immediately commenced heaving and gagging like you could only imagine. During my gag session, my roommate was cracking up, watching me fall victim to his disgusting game. But the sickest part is, my curiousity outweighs my gag reflex, so I was running to the trash can, only to turn around again to see what was happening next. It was terrible. They played with it, rolled it around, drew on each other with it, and finally ate it and kissed each other in some kind of crap snowball move. Maybe mudballing. I dont know. This film did prove that God doesnt exist, because at one point a girl had a muddy cross drawn on her chest. And I know if I was all knowing and all powerful, I would've smitten them on the spot.
Long story short, I vomited again, and laughed between heaves. Some people are sick fuckers.
*sigh....It truly is a Shitty world sometimes.
User Reviews
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-06-20 14:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent post on so many levels. As someone else said, the first sentence "I love porn" made me read on... to the bitter end.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-17 21:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:09:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
That was a pretty shitty thing for your roommate to do.
I bet that left you down in the dumps all day.
Poo Poo Magoo
GO BEARS WOO!!!
---
+2 for that reply.
Submitted by donnyb <donniekinnan.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-06-17 16:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woohooo lets hear it for hot girls that shit on each other!! your roommate kicks ass!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-17 16:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Started funny...but what the fuck....that was evolving more and more to be a disgusting thing . wow...kick your roomates ass....fuck...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-17 15:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to force people to watch sick shit and see them trying to hold down their dinner
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-17 15:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
of course I was joking
<wink, wink>
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-17 15:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if youre THAT curious munkeypants, www.poopsex.com might be enjoyable.
Im gonna go pretend you never asked me that, even if you were joking. haha
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"So anyways, back to the porn. Watching attentively with my face close to the screen, I see two lumps of dung slowly drop out one chicks butt, and onto the chest of the other! A goddamn cleveland steamer people! "
ummm.. could you slip me that link? you know, on the down low?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about bum-licking; I mean, that's the SHIT.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-17 14:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Each to their own, I guess.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can never get too much shitporn.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That was a pretty shitty thing for your roommate to do.
I bet that left you down in the dumps all day.
Poo Poo Magoo
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 purely on the first sentance.
I love porn.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for making me click on this despite the title... I still don't know why I did...
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-17 13:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am so glad this post didn't have a picture, you don't even know. As for the degenerates in the video, there are some right fucking self-abuse experts in this world aren't there?