I'm crazy, and I'm okay with it. (872 hits)
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Submitted by La Nuggeta (View user info) at 2004-06-18 14:52:26 EDT
In response to ReallyBoreds post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36065
What's wrong with me? Well, the doctor says it's (close your eyes, boys) Pre-Menstural Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).
Let me start at the begining, with my mother. We think she had the same problem, but it was never diagnosed. She spent a great majority of her life being angry and moody. We'd go on family vacations which turned into hell because my mom had "PMS". She'd cry and yell, everything would make her mad, she'd argue with everyone, she'd fight with my dad, punish my sister and I for no real reason, et cetera. It was beyond normal mood-swings... it was completely life-altering and impossible to deal with.
She was like this only for the two weeks before her period. The rest of the time she was a normal, loving, sweet, caring mother. We'd go for walks, have mother-daughter talks, work on my homework together, those normal mother things. At the end of two good weeks, we'd all go on edge- knowing her moods would change soon.
When she turned 40 they found tumors in her uterus. She had a hystorectomy.
Ever since then she's been that "normal" mom. No mood swings, no irrational anger. She and my dad still have their arguments, but it's not like it used to be, with her leaving in a fit of anger, calling him names and throwing things. She still gets mad at me when I ask for money, but it's not an episode of her crying, telling me how horrible of a mother she must be, since I am so irresponsible.
On to ME:
When I was a teen, I was extremely rebellious. Extremely.
After I grew out of my teen angst, I realized I was pretty moody, even without the hormones rushing around like they had been in years past. When I was 18 I went to see my gyno, and told her that my PMS was bad. She told me to eat right and excercize.
I did this for two months, and nothing changed. I was still moody. I went back, and re-stated my case to her. I told her how miserable I was, I told her how I wanted to DIE some days, I told her how I faught with everyone, how I lost my job because I yelled at my boss... and she told me that drugs were NOT the answer. I had to learn how to control my temper.
I felt like an ass. Was I being one of those people who was looking for an "easy out"? I always thought I was a strong person, and here I was, at the doctor, trying to get medication to solve my problems, instead of just owning up to my personality flaws.
The next 7 years were a whirlwind. I went through jobs like an addict goes through crack... I went through boyfriends just as quickly. I constantly got down on myself for being irresponsible and callous. I'd spend days sitting in my apartment, crying and writing. I was always crying and writing. I'd lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling, wondering why I was such a weak person. Why can't I deal with LIFE? What happened to me that makes it impossible to LIVE?
The day my period started, I'd feel fine. I'd wake up at the crack of dawn, look at the clock, and think of how lucky I was to be alive... how great the earth was... how wonderful my family and friends were... how much I loved my boyfriend... how lucky I was to have an amazing job...
Then I'd realize that I had dumped my boyfriend a few days earlier because he was stupid (he didn't know Djubuti was a COUNTRY for godsakes!), I was fired from my job for not coming in...
But it didn't matter. I was so relieved not to be depressed... I felt SO GOOD. The weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. A few days would go by, and I'd meet a new guy... I'd think he was amazing... he would have beautiful eyes and an amazing wealth of knowledge on every possible interesting subject. I'd get a new job offer... and I'd giggle at how lucky I was to have such a great life.
Two weeks would go by like this. Then I'd find myself laying on the floor and staring at the cieling again.
On my 25th birthday I called my mom and asked her to go to the doctor and tell him she was depressed. I needed her to get me some anti-depressants, I didn't have insurance, and couldn't afford to get them on my own. She refused. She told me to eat right and excercize. "Everyone goes through hard times, baby... it's your birthday, you are just sad because you're not getting attention...".
No, that wasn't it. I was sad because I found myself sitting at my dining room table with a notebook in front of me, and after I read what I had written, I realized how desperate my situation was.
"If I feel this way tomorrow, I will not be able to tollerate it. I will not withstand it. I am weak and am not worthy to be alive... if I can't handle my life, how can anyone handle being around me? I'm ugly, poor, stupid and I have absolutly nothing to look forward to. This will end tomorrow".
The next day my period started. I completly forgot about what I had wrote. I forgot about the desperate cry for help the day before. Everything would be FINE! I'm so lucky!
It got worse over the next year. My journal was filled with soul-searching paragraphs and miserable statements... even to look at the writing, it was very erratic and messy on bad days... smooth and legible on normal days...
Finally I met InsaneTheMind... he's bi-polar. We talked at length about what I had been going through, and what he deals with on a daily basis... I had a problem, and he was the first person to UNDERSTAND it... he was the first person who didn't blow me off, saying I was being irrational. He told me to go to a different doctor, and explain my problem.
I did. I was diagnosed with a SEVERE case of PMDD... it's similar to bi-polar disorder, but it's hormonally based, not chemically.
For 6 months I've been experimenting with drugs... zoloft, specifically.
The last 6 months of my life have been the first STABLE 6 months since I was 12. I've been promoted quickly at work, I'm extremely sucessful and well liked and respected... I've come to terms with my love life. I no longer rush into relationships or dump guys at my abandon... I feel like this is the first time I've been ALIVE since puberty.
I still think America is over-medicated, but I am starting to believe that I am not one of the victims of this pandemic. I am only a victim of my hormones.
(I didn't spell check this or proof read it, so leave me the hell alone, I have to go to work, I'm LATE!)
Corinne
User Reviews
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-07-16 00:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-16 00:37:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey how did I miss this post.
Hang in their Nugget.
WE all wuv you and want you to have a good life.
I am just glad I am not a woman. Is that bad?
-------------------
You just said wuv, do you understand the only time a man can say wuv. Well that's because there isn't one you fucking pussy.
Nuggs-awesome post, talking to you and a few others has helped me as well. Keep kicking ass.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-07-16 00:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey how did I miss this post.
Hang in their Nugget.
WE all wuv you and want you to have a good life.
I am just glad I am not a woman. Is that bad?
Submitted by insanethemind at 2004-06-27 23:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really glad you are doing better corinne. It's amazing how they can sometimes hit the problem on the first shot.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-06-21 21:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(corinne), I'll tell you why you posted this.
1) yes, you are seeking validation for your need of antidepressants. Shit man, we all need validation when a psychological condition is fixed overnight with a few drugs. you know i have add. when I was diagnosed at 21 years old, i felt like i was copping out of all the laziness and bad attitudes I had during primary school. i didn't want to have an easy solution like adderall, because it meant that I had to forget what everyone (including myself) had told me forever: you're a lazy class clown. it is hard to accept also because when you find out the solution was relatively easy, you regret that you didn't try it YEARS ago. I greatly wondered where my life would have taken me if I had befriended adderall even 4 years earlier.
2) your emotional stability has allowed you to be honest with yourself, and subsequently honest with others. i bet it feels good, doesn't it? no matter what the secret, it is liberating to tell others about it.
3) your planning to do somethintg big with your newly strengthened psyche. for this you're a classic case. things are starting to line up for you, and since you're not the type to outwardly brag or boast, you're veiling it with the "Ive figured things out, so..." line. I'm not complaining, but I am curious about your plans. when I started on adderall, i decided to take a calculus course... And I rocked the motherfucker.
4) finally, you never thought anyone understood you. but someone did. he helped you. you wrote this partially in appreciation of that, and partially to let people know that you're here to help as well (such is your nature). you came to a website and found help, and again you feel encouraged by that. my guess is that you'll discuss many of your personal issues more openly now.
5) one more thing, i think the PISTONS winning the championship had something to do with this as well.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-06-18 23:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeeze, all day at work I was thinking, "What the fuck did I post that for" type thoughts. I didn't even want to look at this post again. Besides the fact that I wrote it and posted without spell checking or proof reading, it's the first time I have been open on this site... generally I just post bullshit type stuff.
So, thanks for not making me feel like a whiner.
RB- The reason I brought my mom up is because she had the same problem, and as "proof" that it wasn't just "in her mind", the problem stopped once she had a hysterectomy. And I am not going to have one, because I may want to get married and have children one day... and even if I DON'T (which at this rate, I very well may not), I would have to take estrogen if I had a hysterectomy, and that would increase my risk of cancer. Ya dig...?
Although, I wonder, did I post this just to justify (to myself and maybe to others?) me being on medication? I do have this rumble of guilt and anxiety about it, like "am I just falling for the medication crutch that half of America falls for?"... am I trying to PROVE that I am different than the rest of those bafoons who take medication because it's easier than solving the REAL problem? I dunno.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-18 22:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good god.
its a pity you weren't forced into some kind of brutal gymnastics training program from a young age - i believe that can prevent onset of the menstrual cycle.
good to see you are coping old chap. it must be very difficult.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-18 20:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm bipolar. With severe anxiety. Prozac is my friend.
No, seriously."...............damn that statement gave me an incredible hard on
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-18 18:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-18 17:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RB are you aware you just suggested she gets a hysterectomy instead of medication??
Seriously dude.
Do you know what a hysterectomy IS????
It's where they remove the WOMB.
So corrine at 26 should get a HYSTERECTOMY???
Jesus mate, please make sure you know what you are saying on subjects like that.
(I still love you, even if you like steve more)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-18 16:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahhahhahahaha
I posted that reply before I had read the end line!!!
I agree wholeheartedly but RB was saying the same thing from a different perspective.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-18 16:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you mean Djibouti ???
You can't even spell that???!!!
You are dumped.
Thicko.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-18 16:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How did Zoloft work? My doctor gave it to me for headaches. Odd, huh?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bipolar. With severe anxiety. Prozac is my friend.
No, seriously.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-18 14:58:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
All women are crazy. You just realize it.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dont understand why you brought in your mother into the post. I mean, if she was able to get surgery to fix her illness, why cant you? And if you cant, doesnt that mean what you two have is different?
I know im looking at this in a very simplitic manner, but the logic still holds true. Either way im glad your life is better. Like i said in my post, some people are truely in need, however the majority is not.
Submitted by cutiepie (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i hear ya girl. i have the same thing. except im not on medication not bad enough my boyfriend just has to deal with me being a bitch two weeks a month.
Submitted by craean (user info) at 2004-06-18 15:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
everyone feels ups and downs, and has trouble dealing
with things. taking whatever you're taking is similar
to those who excercise all the time, or a regular pot
smoker, or people who like sweets. there's different
levels and different ways of dealing with them. there's
side effects to everything that you do, so making the
optimal choice is completely dependent on your specific
situation. whatever, i think about this alot, good luck.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-18 14:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All women are crazy. You just realize it.