A Drunk Travels to China (735 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.83 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alfa Veloce (View user info) at 2004-06-19 01:41:47 EDT
I am about to be a broke college drunk on a whole new continent. In about 2.5 months I am off to China, Beijing specifically. I'll be a student and an intern. The reason that I am writing to Uber about this is that I am apprehensive about the whole thing. I mean look at what I'll be leaving behind. I'll have no Daily Show, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, West Wing, Palisade's Pizza, Chipotle, most of all no driving. I am a car guy and taking away my mobility is like taking a rifle away from Charlton Heston, or lip gloss from Paris Hilton. Have you seen her lips? If the headlights on her Simple Life 2 pick-up go out, all she'd need is a flashlight and those lips. She might even blind a wayward deer or two. In fact she could have used a similar method to light her hotel room masterpiece instead of the crappy night-vision.
But look at what I won't be leaving behind. According to my student guide, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, and yes, even KFC are apparently abundant in Beijing and the rest of China. This is China for God's sake! I expected Kung Pao Chicken and Moo Shoo Pork with a side of egg rolls, and a super size green tea! Are they flushing thousands of years of culinary history and heritage for a Happy Meal with a toy made in their own backyard? So this is how it is: first Ronald Reagan broke through the Iron Curtain and now Ronald McDonald has set out to conquer the Chop Stick! I don't know about you, but this worries me. What's next? Survivor: Tiananmen Square? If I get to the Forbidden City and see a Starbucks I might burn it with its own latte froth machine.
But I suppose it could be worse. I could have to endure the Simple Life with subtitles or another tell-all release by some beltway insider and the obligatory aggravating amount of media attention surrounding it. What I don't get is, we all know the government is f'ed up, we all hate politicians for being sleazy, corrupt, liars. (Although, some do have hot daughters) So, what's with all the shock about the ineffectiveness of our leaders? I mean, you knew who you were voting for didn't you?
The best thing about moving to China might be the fact that I can eat rice and bread without a shred of guilt or stigma. Carbohydrates have become the new crack. Pretty soon we'll be witness to the war against carbs as it will soon replace the war on drugs as the newest worthless effort by the US military...oh wait...forgot about Iraq. But seriously instead of Colombian coke cartels running cocaine with high powered cigarette boats, the highway patrol will have to deal with Oriental ricer runners in hopped up Hondas, and Toyotas. Rice will be bought in back alleys near the local Food Lion, and suddenly the leading cause of suburban violence will be a soccer moms fighting with baguette dealers over the price of the kilo of bread. Successful normal dads will be sucking appendages for a taste of a pizza crust and "just say no" will become "just eat steak."
While I would love to stay and watch that happen I am off to sample China's bars, beers, and hopefully broads. I also hear they have a lovely assortment of seasonal cabbages. I kid you not that was actually mentioned in the student guide. So in the end I suppose my apprehension comes not from leaving everything familiar behind me, but having to face everything familiar once I get there. I'll admit that my primary reason for going abroad is that I want to escape America with its attitudes, conceptions, customs, and culture. But if I arrive at the airport and see another sorostitute I don't what I'll do. But I suppose that is the curse of modern life. No matter where we go we will forever be unable to escape the American culture, McDonalds and all, because the American culture is becoming the global culture. I guess I should learn how to order a Super Size Cheese Burger meal and a Tequila shot in Chinese.
User Reviews
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-06-26 02:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You will enjoy Beijing very much. Things to check out:
The Great Wall (obviously)
Tiananmen Square
Mao's Tomb
The Forbidden City
The Pearl Market
Lido Market
and most importantly, Bar Street
Make sure to find the North Face lady. (I think she's near the Lido Holiday Inn but I can't remember). She'll sell authentic North Face coats for 15 bucks.
When you are bargaining with merchants, start at 50% of their first offer. They start prices off extremely high.
Beware of children begging at ATM machines. They will grab onto your legs and not let go. But if you yell at them, they will run away.
You will find an abundancy of whores that are about 12 U.S. dollars. Believe it or not, this is not a bargain. If you must do it anyway, wrap it up, twice.
If you happen upon a crazy Chinese dude who goes from bar to bar delivering MLK's "I Have a Dream" Speech, tell him I said hello.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/6436
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-06-26 02:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Will the latte froth burn down a city? ^_^
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-06-19 03:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What fart smeller said. It might be close to the restaurants at home but it isn't the same. How many McDonalds have you seen that serve rice? Have fun.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-19 02:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Munkeypants. Screw you Joe. Thanks for the comfort FartSmeller.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2004-06-19 02:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I lived in Japan for three years, and they have some of the stores and restaurants that I'd been missing from back home, but it's not like your thinking. Have you ever been into a Denny's and ordered miso soup and squid balls? Yeah, you're going to have a great time in China.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-06-19 01:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i just dont like you
like i realy odnt like you
its not personal
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-19 01:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for your post
+1 for being on uber so late like me
wow china, eh?