Val vs. Mom (Why I Don't Eat McDonald's or Lift Boxes) (2116 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val <danzigiiii.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-19 04:31:28 EDT
This woman hates me. No really, she has this undying flame of hatred, deep in the realm of that special place where her heart should be. If you cut her open, all you will find is black stuff and Slim Jims. Others call her Satan. I call her Mom.
This deep-seated hatred for yours truly all started back on February 1st, in the year of our Lord, 1985. That special day is the day I was born, and the day my mother realized that she was now stuck in a relationship with my father, until I was 18. Ah, yes, and what a special day that was, chock-full of a 12 hour labor and "EXTREME backpain."
"Val... someday I hope you too will feel the PAIN of giving BIRTH. And I hope you are cursed with a daughter (creepy voice) just...like...you..."
Throughout my childhood I clung to my dad because I was too young to know, at the time, that he was also crazy. Plus he let be reckless and daring, like letting me ride my bike down the block by myself, and not forcing me to tuck my pants into my socks when I went out to play in the snow. He also did not buy one of those 2-in-one hat/scarves in 8th grade. My mother, on the other hand, did.
The queen of nagging, the whore of hell, my mother likes to run her mouth. Going 20 in a 25 mph zone? I'm obviously off my rocker! Staying up past 9? Outlandish! "KISSING BOYS AGAIN? ...hmm, well SOMEONE's going to get pregnant early, aren't they?"
Like I said, she's a real peach.
My mom is known primarily for 2 things:
1) her advice
2) her advice
She comes out with COUNTLESS gems, words of wisdom that I will cherish forever, and eventually publish in my great American novel, "I Hate That Bitch."
#1- "If you pick up heavy things, your insides will FALL OUT OF YOUR BODY!"
Mom- "You need to get your shit out of my house. Those boxes there, take them."
Me- "Okay." -picks up box-
Mom- "What are you DOING? That's way too heavy for you."
Me- "..it's just shoes."
See, my mother thinks she went to medical school, when in actuality, she went to "school" for being a medical secretary. Now, the less stuff my mom knows the better, otherwise, she starts shitting out diamonds like this:
Mom- "Val, I went to M-E-D-I-C-A-L- S-C-H-O-O-L. We read all about how when you pick up heavy things, your insides will fall out of your body."
-crickets chirp-
Me- "Okay Mom, let me jus...."
Mom- "Do you think I'm JOKING?!? I READ that in MEDICAL SCHOOL!"
Me- "Ma, it wasn't fucking medical school! Jesus fucking christ!"
Mom- "Oh yeah? Well I KNOW someone who that HAPPENED TO!"
Me- "Whatever Mom, I'm just going to..."
Mom- "You and your sister, thinking I'm crazy! Well I'M NOT, this young man I knew once picked up a crate of GOD KNOWS WHAT and his INTESTINES fell OUT, OKAY?!"
Always at this point of the conversation does my mother get extremely defensive. There's no point in arguing. You have lost the battle, and the war has just begun.
Me: 0
Mom: 4,008
You are offically fucked.
When in a hostile takover such as the aforementioned, it is best to just bow out gracefully, since there is no way in hell you are going to slap any kind of sense into her. The younger you are, the worse, because the more frightening she is. Which brings me to Incident #2-
The Poisoned Hamburger
I just found out about this recently, when my 28-year old sister and I had a good ole' Mom-Story Hour. I laughed, I cried, I felt really bad for any future grandchildren.
Time: 1970's. My sister was around 5.
Place: the car (the WORST place to be when you're with my mother, because you can't escape. Especially if you're in a car seat)
My sister really wanted a Happy Meal. My mom goes through the drive through, they get their crap, they eat. My sister chomps happily away on her processed mystery meat while my mother drives while simultaneously praying to the Devil, and renewing her KKK membership. And then...it happens.
My mom took a bite out of her burger.
Mom- "MAUREEN! OH MY GOD! THROW UP!"
Maureen- thinking, "what the fuck?!?"
Mom- "THROW UP THE BURGER MAUREEN! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT! OH MY GOD!"
My sister automatically went into Oh-God-She's-Snapping-Again mode and quickly tried to gulp down her burger before my mother could take it away. Meanwhile, my mom starts to gag.
So there's my 5 year old sister, recoiling in horror, as my mother screams at her to "stick [her] finger down her throat" while PUKING INTO HER MCDONALD'S BAG. While driving.
They got home, my sister got her ass beat for not listening, and then my mom called poison control. I'll bet those guys were laughing their asses off, and checking off the day on the calendar. "Crazy bitch called AGAIN!" they chuckle, while somewhere in the world, an angel dies. Or whatever happens.
Insanity, Population: 1.
Next episode: "Why I'm fucking single, and how my mother is single-handedly taking over the world, one mind at a time"
and
"The day my mother thought she was going through menopause and took her shirt off at the kitchen table" ie- "Why I am Blind."
User Reviews
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2005-01-08 15:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-08 15:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad is made of nacho cheese and green stuff so don't feel so down.
Submitted by Maureen <Val's sister> at 2004-08-23 23:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Correction:
It was 1981...sitting in the back of an ancient chevy, the ones where the back windows are supposed to NOT go down- in fact, there isn't way for anyone to BREATHE back there unless you push out that 2x4" window in the back corner. (You know the one... ever see a child car sick in the back of a car whos windows don't open? No? Look for tongues hanging out a crack of a window one day driving....)
Despite the wonderful condition of the car, there was a blanket draped over the backseat "Just in Case" Maureen PUKES all over the back of the car in case Crazy Mom decides to go off on an idea and makes her daughter spew something like, oh, bad McDonald's burgers.
Correction #2:
Car Seats? As I said, it was 1981... we were lucky if we had a SEATBELT in the back of a car lol
And Val... really, those insides... they come right out...
Is it true we have the most insane parent? I think we win that one hands down!
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-08-21 22:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of liked this. Moms do suck huh?
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-08-21 22:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only cause i love you
Submitted by anatithenai (user info) at 2004-08-21 22:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There should be some sort of club for people with crazy moms, where all of us scarred children can get together and share stories. I'm sure hilarity would ensue.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually chuckled a couple times. +2!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making me laugh.
It's been seven months since I moved out of the house, and my mother still calls me every goddamn day. On the off occasion I should pick up, I'm damned to listen to the most monotonous drivel you can imagine for the next couple of hours. I drop hints, and then I tell her I have to go, and then I just hang up, but what does she do? Of course she calls right back. She should really learn how to block her Caller ID if she expects me to answer.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that your mom and my aunt would get along really well - we should set up a play date!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the Navy...
Hooray!
-Wo|2M
Submitted by vajokki <inreddawnscores.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-08-20 17:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'..picked up a crate of GOD KNOWS WHAT and his INTESTINES fell OUT, OKAY?!"
MAAAAHAA! How can intestines 'fall out'? Wouldn't it be more meat coming out of a meat grinder instead its a tube of stomach matter coming out of your anus?
Pondering is bad for my mentality.
Can I interview your mother sometime?
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
advice taken. you recommended this one and i'll be....you were right. +2 for you miss.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would say I feel your pain but my mother is a sweetheart. However this post kicked arse.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man you're mom's fucking loony. You need to post more of these, it's great. I love hearing about other people's dysfuntional families.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-20 14:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha yes, busted. my recruiter actually asked me, "what are you running away from?" at which point i punched him in the face and ate my hair.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-20 08:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm getting a clearer picture of your motives for joining the Navy.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-06-20 02:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddammit why is this so short!? I need more, more I tell you!!!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're only like 5 months older than me. I thought you were like 23.
TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY! WEEEEEEEEE!
Submitted by Forgot my Login Bahahaha at 2004-06-19 15:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I say go for it.
I'd read it.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm seriously considering making this into a series.
i mean, i've got a lot of material, if ya know what i mean.
(the woman's fucking INSANE)
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-06-19 14:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My sister chomps happily away on her processed mystery meat while my mother drives while simultaneously praying to the Devil, and renewing her KKK membership."
This made my day.
Submitted by Johnny Boy at 2004-06-19 13:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would give you a two, but my ratings don't count because I'm too lazy to log in.
My mom is the craziest of them all, she is the founder/owner/ruler of the crazy mom club. For example: She wouldn't allow a microwave in the house for fear the radiation would kill us. pwned.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-19 11:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this a little bit more every time i read it. You now have the dubious honour of being the first person i have ever +2'ed twice on the same post. The pressures on.
Submitted by LiteracyLover (user info) at 2004-06-19 11:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like my mom!! almost.
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2004-06-19 11:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, crazy people, blenders, babies...huh?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-19 10:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take your mom and throw her in a blender with a fifth of Smirnoff and you have my mom.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff - it does sound as if your mother should be killed at the first available opportunity.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Mom stories will pwn your Mom, but nonetheless awesome. We should get married and see which Mom drives us to murder first.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-19 08:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by traxzilla (user info) at 2004-06-19 08:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like my Aunt.
God I fucking hate my Aunt.
I left a sock on the floor of my room once and she blamed me for the train of ants marching through the kitchen eating the crap under the microwave she never cleaned. Apparently, sock juice incites ants to acts of eatery.
Hope you don't live with her anymore (I sure as hell moved out quickly).
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-19 08:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-19 07:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More dammit, i need more!
Submitted by JewdoMaster (user info) at 2004-06-19 06:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think there's a club for mothers like that. I think mine was in that club.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-19 06:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I cried.
You rock.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-19 05:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1985? Gahhh..
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-19 05:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-19 04:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00, I need to build me some plans to take over the world...