I'm lustin' it (AKA McBurger Fuck) (611 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.31 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by squattail (View user info) at 2004-06-19 08:51:16 EDT
Preface:
"I'm lustin' it": a simple FAQ written by a simple man for people who desire to have sexual intimacy with fast food products and don't know where to start.
FAQ:
So you have chosen to become a McBurger Fuck. You have made the right choice my friend, but the road to hapiness is not an easy one. First you must learn the basics, lest you go rushing right into a third degree burn on the most sensitive part of the human body.
Q: So what is the best method to bone the product?
A: Well, there are two schools of thought on this subject. Old Skool, and New Skool.
Old Skool: The food product should be taken apart and made love to individually. Cheese, meat, lettuce; all receive an equal amount of lovin' at seperate times. In some cases the parts not presently being loved will become jealous and envious of the piece that is. This method is not used often these days. Ever since a piece of circular bacon murdered a man for favoring a fried egg during his breakfast screw, McBurger Fucks realized they cannot toy with burger's emotions like it "aint no thang".
New Skool: An all-out orgy in which all components of said burger are loved at once. A very messy spectacle to witness.
Q: So now I know how to do it, what are the products I should go for and which ones should I avoid?
A: For regular menu items, there is a simple rule: If it isn't beef, it'll give you grief. Basically the pre-cooked, fried chicken and fish patties, as well as chicken nuggets, are often dry and absolute murder. The rest? Quarter pounder with double cheese, Big Mac, apple pie (just hollow it out with a spoon): it's are all good, baby.
Q: Fucking cooked, dead animal? Are you some kind of sicko? Isn't that necrophelia and bestiality?
A: No, the two cancel each other out.
Q: Why McDonalds? Why not one of the other fast food giants?
A: Of course, it is possible to have relations with any brand of fast food from Pizza Hut to Taco Bell. But with McDonald's grease per dollar ratio it is easy to see why so many fast food "lovers" turn to the Golden Arches for their pleasure. Why choose shinola when you can have genuine shit?
Q: I recently saw a documentary major motion film in which a man ate nothing except McDonald's for a month. He got quite ill, is this related to McBurger Fuck?
A: No. Although the man in question DID in fact make love to every meal before eating it, it was the actual consumption of the food that lead to his demise. We at the McBurger Fuck commitee do NOT recommend eating McDonald's product. Love it and leave it, but just don't eat it.
I hope this FAQ was helpful and wish you luck.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-09 15:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god, this is gold.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-07 21:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm gonna go with StonedSilly on this.
The post sucked, and you sucked. It had a small glitter of potential somewhere in the beginning, but you fucked it up like only you know how.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-19 15:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck, why does this have a positive rating?
The only thing funny about you or your posts is the fact that they suck so bad.
To quote Lojo,
If you sucked any worse, you'd inhale your own dick.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-19 13:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm lovin' it...
But then I am pissed out of my head, so I may regret this tomorrow.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-06-19 13:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is damn fine work.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-19 11:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kinda funny, but so very, very wrong.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm -2'ing it.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahahaha!
The part about the necrophilia and bestiality cancelling each other out was gold.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny? Like most of your stuff, it wasn't.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pointless and barely funny.
Good job.