TripinDayZ's Guide to Passing a Whiz Quiz (1265 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TripinDayZ (View user info) at 2004-06-21 10:52:33 EDT
That's right, I passed. After two weeks of grueling experiments in:
Masking - (http://www.ubersite.com/m/35444)
Detoxification - It burns! It burns! Holy shit mommy, make my blood stop burning!!
Additives - "Sir, your pee is purple? We cannot accept this sample" Goddamnit!
And, of course, Abstinence - <insert audience laughing hysterically here>
I finally found a product that works. I know it works because I tested it. Twice.
The product is synthetic urine and can be found at:
http://www.cleartest.com/products/urine.html
I want to take this moment to thank all of you uber users who genuinely tried to offer me solutions to the quandary of passing a drug test when you smoke enough that farting in an airport could alert drug dogs to your illicit behavior.
So, thank you. Yes all 4 of you. Thank you.
I got everything from the standard "Drink cranberry juice and water", to "There's this shit at GNC that if you take nine times the recommended dosage your good to go!" <see "it burns, it burns!" above>, to "Shove a lime up your ass exactly 14 minutes before you eat a stone wheat bagel, then drink 2 gallons of bacon grease while using a karaoke machine to sing Wind Beneath My Wings, then do cartwheels to the laboratory stopping every 38.4 feet to recite your favorite line from The Wraith starring a very young Charlie Sheen"
OK maybe I made up the last one but I got some pretty weird suggestions none the less.
The reason I am writing this is I spent countless hours worrying, suffering, and about $225 on miscellaneous products, tests, and supplements - all of which could have been avoided if I had a post such as this one to read. So (Envenom, I'm talking to you) read it if you need it.
The product at the site listed above comes with two vials of faux pee (enough for two separate tests), a temperature strip, a bottle much like an Elmer's Glue bottle, and two pocket heaters (like you put in your pockets at a cold ass ball game or when hunting or whatever), which are meant to maintain the correct temperature range (usually 90- 100 degrees) - all for $34.95.
In my first effort to use this product I used it as directed and produced a pee sample that was approximately 106 degrees. Bad heat packs,bad! Needless to say they didn't accept it and damn near didn't let me leave the doctor's office for fear I was going to have a stroke or some shit from an extreme fever.
The second time I used it, however, the sample came in at just under 96 degrees and was clean as a whistle. All that is needed to use this product successfully is a little time, therefore, if you are looking to beat a random and possibly sight checked test this product may not be for you. There are alternatives available with hoses and the like that will get you through one that is strict (such as military, probation, etc.), however I have NOT tested these and will not endorse them in this post.
Back to how I did it.
All you have to do is put 3 oz of water in the glue bottle, attach the strip, and place it close to your body. I found that just inside the waistband gave me the most easily concealable spot as well as the warmest available location apart from anal insertion. Don't laugh; I contemplated that for I needed to pass this test, badly. So as I was saying, you need to put the water in the bottle then tape, place, or however you want to secure it to your body about 3 hours before the test. This will give the bottle as well as the liquid time to match temperatures with each other as well as your body. It is best to use semi- warm water that starts out around 94-95 degrees; the temperature strip will help you determine this. Then, right before you go to the lab to provide your sample, pour in the vial of faux pee, shake it lightly, and replace it in your warm spot.
That's all there is to it. Once I was in the lab they made me remove the contents of my pockets, wash my hands, then go pee for posterity in the bathroom to which they had cut off the water supply and dyed the toilette water blue. I produced the bottle from my pants (oooh dirty!) and voila!
The test came back the next day with proper creatine level, nitrate level, and perfectly ph balanced. If I did it, you can too.
User Reviews
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yet another perfect two down the drain by someone who can't rate properly...
:c) just kidding! i don't give a fuck. never thought it would make it this high in the first place. hahahaha for -1 for the man.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-22 16:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more for good measure.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-22 16:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I accidentally hit rank before I rated.
Sorry.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-22 16:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow Tripin, I've got to say it took some balls to go through with this. Good for you! Score 1 for us criminals and -1 for "the man!!"
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-06-22 00:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As per http://www.ubersite.com/m/36288, although I am sure that this post is wonderful and deserves this +2.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-06-21 20:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-21 16:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I believe it was the niacin in the GNC Cleanser that made my veins feel hot. not sure tho.
Submitted by Speed2oo1 (user info) at 2004-06-21 12:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What burnt about the detox pills? I've never heard of anything burning... Glad for ya man, I've never tried nor heard of anyone trying synthetic urine, I'll have to add it to my proven methods list.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF??? Why is this shit getting +2's, it is teaching impressionable Uberites how to pass a piss test! How to do drugs and get away with it! I, for one, am disgusted.
What was that web address again? I feel I should write a letter to the site owner...yeah that's it.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats bro. The problem is that stuff won't help for hair tests. I'm afraid in this instance abstinance may be the only way.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
high five with my eerily large hand
did you ever know that you're my hero? you're everything i would like to be....
and i can fly higher than an eagle.
cuz you are the wind beneath my wiiiiiiinnnggggssss.
what?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Work.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girlfriend of mine pee for me years ago into a balloon. After the test the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations."
Whew, I thought -passed.
Nope, The pee was 2 months pregnant!
You've made my life better with this post.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you just get one of those "herbal cleansing products" from the nearest head shop? Those things work like a charm...or so I've heard...not even sure what this is about... don't even know what a head shop is...got to go now.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<running through the crowd accepting high-fives and very masculine ass smacks>
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most useful post ever
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-21 11:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You The Man!
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-06-21 10:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Merci monsieur, merci!