My Friend Dan (374 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.9 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by aliasjxc (View user info) at 2004-06-21 14:31:50 EDT
My friend Dan...crazy shit happens to him. A few years ago, he went to California. This story is a lot funnier when he tells it in person. He talks with his hands.
Dan decides to drive all the way across the USA. You don't really think of it as a country or continent or anything until you actually drive all the way across it. He gets to the midwest. A sign in the desert says "Warning: Sandstorms." Ha! Sandstorms? They've gotta be kidding.
He then sees the shadow coming towards him from behind. Foot on gas. He manages to escape said sandstorm when he comes to a place where the road disappears. There's a huge hole where the road should be. He drives around it.
Now...he's been driving cross-country for days. Speeding. Never pulled over. The minute he passes an "LA City Limits" sign, there are the flashing lights in the rear-view mirror. So he pulls over. The cops get out of their car and do that "once-over." And pull out their guns. And point them at my friend Dan's head.
"GET OUT OF THE CAR!"
He does.
"LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"
He hands it over.
"ON THE GROUND!"
He huddles by the curb--a fat man sprawled on the pavement. Dan's a large guy.
He looks over. One of the cops is "doing something to the ass of the car." Fiddling with the plates and everything. The other one is chewing on his shoulder, talking into the little radio.
After a few minutes of this, and after they confer with HQ, the cops approach, hand back his license and registration.
And then they start to walk away.
What the fuck? They pointed fucking gun at his fucking head. He needs a reason.
Apparently, Delaware is the only state in the USA that has a flat licenes plates. All other states have raised numbers on theirs. The cops thought that it was a fake license plate. They did not know that Delaware was a state, let alone THE FIRST STATE. Someone gave guns to people who didn't know all fifty states.
But wait...there's more.
A few days later--when the east coast is having a rainy season, California has thunderstorms, apparently. But Dan's a big man. He's a hungry man. He decides to go to McDonald's to get some food. He orders his favorite, and drives around to the pick up window. He rolls down the window of his car, and is reaching for the bag of food when everything goes white and his ears pop. Blink blink blink.
"Did that just happen?"
The kid in the window is staring, his jaw dropped and eyes wide. He nods.
Dan's car. Was struck. By lightning. Dan pays for the food and goes home. He turns the car off. Tries to start it. Nothing. Gets out of the car. On the roof, directly above where his head had been, is a black mark. God threw a lightning bolt at his head. Dan opens the hood of his car. You know all those plastic-covered wires? A gooey mess.
But wait...there's more.
Dan gets his car fixed, and gets it back. That day, he goes to the grocery store. He's coming out with a few bags full and goes to where he'd parked. Can you guess what he finds there?
An oil spot. They stole his car. Somebody stole the car he just paid $600 to have fixed. To this day, by the way, the motor vehicle administration people still call him about inspection and registration renewal for that stolen car.
Dan drops the grocery bags. Lets them fall. He walks three city blocks back to his apartment.
When he gets there, he notices something strange. Cars parked outside. Loud music coming out.
His roomate is apparently having a party.
Now, Dan's a fun, reasonable guy. Party? Ah, no big problem.
He was wrong.
Dan goes upstairs and inside. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah (sorry for the spelling on my part). In his living room. People having sex everywhere. There's a fishbowl full of pills sitting on the TV.
"Where's my roomate?" Dan proceeds to scour the place for his condemned roomie. He goes to his room. There's an orgy on his bed.
So Dan tries his private bathroom. Not the one out by the living room, but his private, personal bathroom. He opens the door to find a guy shooting up. Now, Dan's usually a nice guy. But this...this he can't take. No more.
He reaches out, grabs the guy's hand with the syringe. "No..let ME kill you."
He proceeds to throw this person out the second-floor window. He turns to the gathered crowd.
"I suggest you leave."
The smart ones scatter. Some stay. He removes them. He finds his roomate.
"I'm going out. I don't think you want to be here when I get back."
The next day, Dan takes his stuff outside. He gives away DVD players, the TV, stuff like that. Walks up to a Latino guy, hands him something and says, "Here. Go buy drugs."
Dan gets in his car, drives back to Delaware, and has never been back to California.
It's obvious God didn't want him there in the first place.
User Reviews
Submitted by misanthrope (user info) at 2004-06-21 21:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Had some logic problems, but it forced my face out of its usual grimace.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-21 16:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"This story is a lot funnier when he tells it in person."
_________________________________________________________
you must be right, iv'e read better worded heiroglyphics.
ya know they say that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number or typewriters and an infinite amount of time they would eventually come up with the works of shakespeare...
this post is what happens when you give ONE monkey ONE typewriter and about four minutes.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-21 15:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why did he have an apartment in California if he lived in Delaware and was just on a road trip? And at what point did he buy the new car?
Submitted by lamer (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like dan missed is one and only chance to get laid...
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
California sucks.
-Bus
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you call him Dan the Man? Because that's what I'd call him if I knew who he was. It makes more sense than Dan the Tam.....................................................................pon.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.... umm wow....
Submitted by aliasjxc (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan bought a new car. :) And he's being honest about the whole thing. This kind of shit just follows him around.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what car did he get into?
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shinnanigans. or dan's pulling your leg.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-21 14:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor Dan.