Vomit - not our friend (2627 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.26 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <oleannder.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-22 10:56:57 EDT
This is not a guide to keep you from heaving, vomiting, spewing, upchucking or tossing your cookies. I am not an expert at how to prevent you from praying to the porcelain Gods. What I can offer is a few tips to make your trip to the bowl a little less traumatic.
Ladies & men with long hair who do not have an elastic to pull it back, you do have options.
- You can tie it up in a loose knot (this can be done when you are mid heave if you have your wits about you).
- Have a friend hold it for you so you can get a better grip on the bowl (not a good option if they have weak stomach themselves, last thing you want is a battle over the bowl)
- soak you head & hair in water. This will not only keep you hair out of your face, it will also cool you down & help you to not vomit
*If you have short hair I don't want to hear any complaints from you since you wouldn't be picking out left over bits of pepperoni anyways*
Dry Heaves. Nothing worse then this. You know you are going to puke and you are actually looking forward to it so your torment will end. Dry heaves are disgusting, the horrible sensation of vomiting with your guts clenched somewhere around your lungs and nothing comes out. A few hints on making your body more productive:
- drink some water. It will give you something to get the party started
- try to think of every ass crack that has been near the bowl. Now think of where your face is.
- sniff some raw chicken. Some people think that fish is the way to go but raw chicken has this underlying aroma that if you can pick out is guaranteed for a spew factor.
If your stomach is giving the warning signs of a classic heave & you have the time, here are a couple of things that will make you more comfortable:
- don't take any tums, rolaids or other antacids. These products just make for some chalky & thick puke. Not a lot of fun.
- line the floor by the bowl with some towels. Not only is there less mess to clean up if you miss but you now have a comfortable place for your knobby knees. This also allows for a nice lading pad should your vomiting be powerful enough to make you pass out.
- run some water. It's a proven fact that the sounds of running water help calm people down. It will also give you something to listen to besides your stomach creating a void within.
- drink some water. I can not stress this one enough. Not only will it prevent you from becoming dehydrated it will also stop those terrible dry heaves & begin something more productive. As an incentive bonus it also cools the mix down by diluting the foul concoction that resides in your innards.
All of the above are great for one time or short term puke sessions. If you are going in for the long haul here are a few goodies to make your heave more delightful
- bring a cordless or cell phone in with you. That way if you are truly going to die you can dial 911 or let your best friend know that they can finally have that sweater they have been admiring.
- between jetting foul things from your body keep a cool & wet compress pressed against your forehead.
- the dark is your friend. Seeing what you are doing will only make you want to do more of it. Either turn out the lights altogether or make the room as dim as possible. Use candles... think of it as a trip to the spa for bulimics..
- crack a window. The air gets stale & sickly pretty fast. Fresh air will help you keep a clear head as you go about your task. Heave loudly & with pride. Let your neighbors know what you are up to.
- again with the water. It doesn't matter that you are going to puke it up anyways. Go ahead. Otherwise you will soon be left with a thick sludge that gets stuck in your throat as you try to toss it up. Water is the key.
After you are done (you're sure you're done now?) lie down in bed in a dark room, bucket planted firmly beside you. Keep the cool, moist cloth on your forehead & have a bit of room temperature water with a hint of sugar in it. This will help re-hydrate you much more quickly & not put any additional strain on your freshly exercised tummy. No television or books, just try to sleep. You will wake up exhausted but feeling much better then before.
Use this tips for any kind of vomiting need, drunk, sick, tax time or just after a date with a lawyer.
Good luck to you!
User Reviews
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-22 19:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
**You LIKE vomitting? What kind of a weirdo are you?**
I don't know, I always figured better out than in. Plus once you throw up, you feel better.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-22 15:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:40:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Vomitting CAN be man's best friend though, no?
------------------------------
Uh... only if you just accidentally swallowed some diamonds. You LIKE vomitting? What kind of a weirdo are you?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vomitting CAN be man's best friend though, no?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what would suck...
Vomiting and having Anal Leakage http://www.ubersite.com/m/36357 at the same time.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's the worst when you wake up the next morning, with the room spinning and nearly knock
yourself out cuz you can't walk straight.... or is it just me?
there have been a few times where i took my pillow and slept next to the toilet.
so much easier.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was actually quite helpful!
Unfortunately, for some reason I now want to vomit. Thanks very much Mr. Smartypants.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:03:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
like 9 times out of 10 when i puke
it's because i thought i could funnel
a 12 pack all in a row or drink 50 shots
or something just as ludacris. needless to say
i am way to drunk to think about where my hair is
or if i am anywhere near the bowl. i am thinking
please by the grace of god let me live and make
the room stand still again.
----------------------------------------
Why is everything you write in prose form? Kinda weird..... nice.... but weird
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
like 9 times out of 10 when i puke
it's because i thought i could funnel
a 12 pack all in a row or drink 50 shots
or something just as ludacris. needless to say
i am way to drunk to think about where my hair is
or if i am anywhere near the bowl. i am thinking
please by the grace of god let me live and make
the room stand still again.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. But to me it's more simple. You just go with the flow.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Munkey - if yer really lucky I will do up a post on what to do if you have violent vomitting & the shits at the same time!!! YAY!!!!
Circe - condolances on the preggers situation. Keep a glass of water by the bedstand & drink before you get up in the morning. It will help keep the yellow grossies at bay.
Bob - already done the marshmellow thing a few years back. It was nasty you sick bastard.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fetish and B_Bob,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... EWWWWWWWWWW
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's the Tequila... I'm eatin the worm!!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:09:50 (#)
Ranking: 1
The worst kind of vomit - "morning sickness, I haven't eaten or drunk anything yet and I'm lucky I made it out of bed in time to get to the bathroom at all" vomit. There is nothing in your stomach at all apart from bile. You're throwing up acid. It's fluorescent yellow and it burns and it's possibly the foullest taste in the universe.
---
Fluorescent yellow? Sounds like a good replacement for fingerpaint.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where were you sunday morning when i needed you???... uuuuugh
i love when i puke in the wee hours of the morning. i don't turn on any lights.
i let stomache do its thing. stagger back to bed and fall right back asleep.
it's like i don't even really wake up.
that puke is different from the up all morning into the afternoon puke. for this
puke even long after there is nothing in my stomache i stick my finger down my throat
just for some respite from my nausea. this is the puke i can't deal with.
i once posed the question to a friend.. "why do i do that to my body"
and she looks to me and says most innocently "because it's fun!"
sorry for the long reply. i am a champion puker and have lots to say on the subject.
shall i go on?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very comprehensive and well written. For some reason this gave me hellacious giggles.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The worst kind of vomit - "morning sickness, I haven't eaten or drunk anything yet and I'm lucky I made it out of bed in time to get to the bathroom at all" vomit. There is nothing in your stomach at all apart from bile. You're throwing up acid. It's fluorescent yellow and it burns and it's possibly the foullest taste in the universe.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eat marshmallow fluff. It tastes good coming back up, too.
Or....think of a bucket full of chicken grease with a ball of hairs in it.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-22 10:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sure way to vomit: Drink QueenAshlee's crusty douche water.