Bert and Ernie's Guide To Eroticism (39924 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 75 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2004-06-22 11:26:15 EDT
Hello Boys and Girls... You might not remember us, as our show has drifted off the airwaves, but both me, and my life partner Bert used to be on Sesame Street. Part of our jobs everyday was educating you. We taught you how to share cookies with Cookie Monster, and how to count with... the Count. We showed you that bathing was fun (As long as you had your rubber ducky) and that diversity was a good thing.
But Bert and I always had another agenda, our own agenda that even our producers didn't really know about. You see, back when Sesame Street was on, homosexuality was very very stigmatized, that means people thought you were bad, JUST because of who you LOVED. But Bert and I didn't care. We knew we were meant to be together. We both loved long walks down the street, Vivaldi, and hot steaming felt-rubbing Muppet sex.
And with our mutual love of education, the next step seemed destined.
At first we only distributed pamphlets in underground dungeons and swinger parties. But after one of our pamphlets ended up in Oscar's garbage can... we realized we needed something less tangible. Welcome the dawning of the electronic age.
The new idea of the Internet granted us anonymity and could greatly increase our readership. Within three months www.MuppetLoving.uk was born. And golly, we couldn't BELIEVE the response.
It was an overnight sensation. The first day alone we got over ten thousand hits, and it just expanded from there. Now we offer a fully stocked store of sex toys, Muppet and Muppet-Lovers (Muppheads) personals section, live video feeds and hundreds of other services.
But that's enough of the introduction; here is our ten-step guide to maintaining Eroticism in a relationship:
1) Always, ALWAYS keep scissors handy by the bed. Any Muppet couple who has gone for hours, knows that after awhile... you just get sore. So, what we suggest, is that with a quick snip in your side, or back... VOILA! A new hole for your partner to use... and abuse! Just remember to sew it back up after!
2) Stay away from the rear door! Think about it kids, you've hand a hand up there for an ENTIRE workday, do you really think A. They still want that area stimulated? B. They'll even be able to feel you? (Well, maybe if you're Mr. Snuffleupagus)
3) Toys, toys, TOYS! We can't stress this one enough. Something new in the bedroom always spices up the scene. One time Bert and I were in a rut, then I came home one day to find him chained to the wall in a full body latex suit. His only words to me, before I zipped his mouth shut, were... 'Hit Me.'
4) Invite a Friend! One of the benefits of being Muppets kids is that we come in all shapes and sizes. I remember one time we had Beecker over... lets just say... his head is good for things besides thinking!
5) Get a little rough! Try spanking or slapping your partner. When you feel their felt covered hand, smack against your hollow cheek, the sound it makes is magical. Just make sure you use a safety word! Ours is 'soap.'
6) Roleplay! Once Bert and I decided to roleplay that we were Luis and Maria from down the block on Sesame Street. Soooo, I stuffed up my ears with cotton and let him beat me.
7) Have a mind-altering experience! Sometimes, you can't get to where you want to be on your own. That's when Bert and I spice it up a bit, usually with Ecstasy or LSD. When the walls are melting and you feel like you can know what your partners thinking, the sensations are amazing. Be careful though, once Bert got some Angel Dust laced with Heroin, and he ended up sticking my rubber ducky up his behind so that he could 'stop feeling so hollow.'
8) Don't use protection. Now, this is only for serious couples out there, who trust their partners. But, when I peel back my felt and enter Bert, it's much more intense than if I'm going in covered. Something about yelling at him to scream like a bitch while I'm taking him rawdog... makes the experience so much more intimate.
9) Try autoerotic affixation. Have you have had someone play with your stitching? When Bert starts undoing me, there is just something primal about it. It's almost like he's god, as each stitch becomes undone and more of myself is exposed to the world. Just be careful, make sure you have extra stuffing nearby and a needle and thread should your partner become overexcited in his ripping.
10) When in doubt, shout! Verbal play is key in a good sexual encounter. Screaming your partner's name, or how good it feels always increases stimulation. Also compliment their genitalia. Bert likes it when I refer to his organ as the big bad banana. He'll keep slapping me across the face with it until I do, and don't tell him... but sometimes I let him whack away for fun!
Well, we hope these tips help! Here are some users responses!
'My sex life was going nowhere, I mean... who wants a guy that lives in a garbage can? Then I read B&E's tips. Next time I was on a date, I slapped her across the face in the middle of sex and we've been together ever since.' ~Oscar the Grouch
'Vy old 'dirty talk' uzed to juz be za counting! Vone! Two! Tree! In time wit each thrust. Now I calls her a 'Vucking whore' and she lovez me!' ~The Count
'We've always been lovers but it wasn't until B&E made it okay to come out have we publicly admitted it.' ~The three blind mice
'At first it was odd, and a little painful, being with a ten foot tall bird, but then he started inviting Elmo over, and lets just say... all that spunk counts in the sack. Thanks Bert and Ernie' ~Maria
'At virst I vas ashamed, I vas pertified. But now I see nothing wrong in rubbing my self in vegetables and hors-de-vors do bors to gors...' ~The Swedish Chef
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This post was inspired by a comment by TripinDayZ420
User Reviews
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-04 17:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xaric <Xaric2003.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-10-25 01:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny as hell. Highfive to the author.
Submitted by Fenchurch (user info) at 2004-10-08 16:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is almost as bad as the time someone sent me an erotic Bert and Ernie (and Grover and Maria) story.
Submitted by queenoftheramen (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SCREWYOUALL <CA2ESAR> at 2004-08-06 23:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by idrathernot <dream1892.at.excite.com> at 2004-07-18 23:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are awesome!
I always wondered where i could find a time like that!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-07-16 18:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-07-14 10:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just re-read this for teh first time since I wrote it...
"6) Roleplay! Once Bert and I decided to roleplay that we were Luis and Maria from down the block on Sesame Street. Soooo, I stuffed up my ears with cotton and let him beat me."
That is so fucking wrong on so many levels. Yet it still makes me laugh out loud.
Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator (user info) at 2004-07-14 01:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The visualization in this burned my eyes....
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-07-14 01:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...on so many levels.
Submitted by Elijah Lavicky <george_s_inger.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-08 10:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2004-07-02 15:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your writing.
Submitted by Jerrsun (user info) at 2004-06-29 18:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by queensowntalia (user info) at 2004-06-29 16:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So beautifully wrong.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-06-29 15:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this the first time around?!?!
Unbelievably funny!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been reading this site, mostly while at work, for years. I've never laughed out loud - I can usually hold it in.
"His only words to me, before I zipped his mouth shut, were... 'Hit Me.'"
I guess there's a first time for everything. Congrats on making me laugh so hard that I had to register to tell you about it.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-06-27 11:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-06-25 18:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the best things I've ever read on this site.
Keep up the good work, and keep coming back.
Too bad you missed UberMadness, I bet you could have won.
Submitted by Blah at 2004-06-25 17:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I actually had to force myself to read it. And i didnt laugh at all. Why is this in humor?
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-06-25 13:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-06-25 07:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-06-25 07:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bubbamoore (user info) at 2004-06-25 06:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
very funny. loved it.
Submitted by MisterD (user info) at 2004-06-24 08:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
pile of pants
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-24 07:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. I honestly did not laugh once. But I had to read it since it made B@W. I just had higher expectations for something with such an awesome title, but wasn't this Trip's idea?
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-06-24 06:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-06-24 05:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"At virst I vas ashamed, I vas pertified. But now I see nothing wrong in rubbing my self in vegetables and hors-de-vors do bors to gors...' ~The Swedish Chef "
HAHA, the Chef was always one of the funniest, you nailed the way he talks too.
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-06-24 01:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've seen today. Bravo!
Submitted by Doom3 (user info) at 2004-06-23 22:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that is so goddamn funny. Hahahaha. It's kind of had to believe that you just thought of that out of nowhere, but then again, my friend does stuff like that all the time.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-23 22:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking wonderful.
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-06-23 22:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-06-23 21:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
let me be the first to say "i told you so!"
ah that bert and his unibrow make me so hot...
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-06-23 20:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have an ernie fetish
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-23 20:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Hell yeah.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-23 09:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bert and Ernie's Guide To Eroticism (420 hits)
Computer: $750
Internet: $36
Morning Coffee: $6
Signing on to ubersite and catching your favorite post with exactly 420 hits: priceless.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-23 09:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still smurfing hilarious 24 hours later. Are you a brainy smurf or a smurfette?
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-06-23 08:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good :)
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-06-23 08:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post gave me an asthma attack.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-22 23:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EXCELLENT and more
Submitted by JChristian1965 (user info) at 2004-06-22 18:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*LMFAO*
The funniest line was: "His only words to me, before I zipped his mouth shut, were... 'Hit Me.'"
Oh, God...that is CLASSIC!!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-06-22 16:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey! Play nice Phinch! haha
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-22 15:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-22 15:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think this is Too good.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was sheer genious.
fucking a man.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe, if bart loves me...
But I've never seen him comment on one of my posts
*hint hint*
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another B@W?
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"hot steaming felt-rubbing Muppet sex".
Oh my. I think I laughed up a lung.
Submitted by Mentor (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had "felt-rubbing muppet sex" every night, I would worship you as god. Fucking hilarious. Of course, there are people in my house that didn't want to be exposed to this, but they'll all burn in hell anyway.
My mouth is minty clean because of listerine!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!
That's all I have to say.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on B@W
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, you all are nice.
I got some intresting comments from co-workers who check my site.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**We both loved long walks down the street, Vivaldi**
I like long walks and Vivaldi...what are you trying to say?
**www.MuppetLoving.uk**
I would not be at all surprised if this was a real web site.
**I remember one time we had Beecker over... lets just say... his head is good for things besides thinking!**
I'm holding you legally responsiblr for the mental trauma induced by that image.
**Try autoerotic affixation.**
You mean 'asphyxiation' 'Autoerotic affixation' would be you sticking yourself to something.
Submitted by Fishtits (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give you a +10 if it were possible. I almost shat my pants it was so funny.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another. You are incredible.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Post. Ever.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.seanbaby.com/rozone/sex/images/ebbath.jpg
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this..
"We knew we were meant to be together. We both loved long walks down the street, Vivaldi, and hot steaming felt-rubbing Muppet sex"
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're going to hell
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i fucked big bird once....
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comical...
It reminds me of Chappelle talking about how the Count was a Pimp and Snuffaluffagus was always stoned...
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stuffed the rubber duck up his ass so he wouldnt feel hollow i laughed out loud
now everyone thinks i'm insane.
they are probably right.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A virtual roadmap to ecstacy
Submitted by Mrboogie23 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha!!
hilarious!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwhahahahahaha
I feel so dirty! I wish I could bottle that feeling.
Submitted by itchysfakepersonna (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. God.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
believe this or not. about four seconds after i hit "Home" i was whining to myself about how much i wished there would be something hilarious today as i needed a laugh. smurf, you are my savior. i would copy and paste the highlights of this post but i would just end up putting the whole fucking thing here.
oh, and... soap!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Brought to you by the letter XXX.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was extremely fucking funny.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I typed www.muppetloving.uk into my browser.
"Webpage does not exist."
I suppose I should put my penis back into my pants now.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<applause>