Tom vs. A Dead Possum (3499 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.81 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-06-22 11:42:33 EDT
Ah, my friend Tom...a never-ending source of both amusement and fear (in equal measures) for both myself and many of our friends. If you care, here are some posts involving the poor chap, and the trouble we could get into with him:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32465
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33304
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34256
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34368
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34942
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35379
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35850
A few years ago, during a summer break from college, my parents decided to take an overnight vacation to the beach, leaving me and my younger brothers in the house with no supervision. In retrospect, it was clearly a monumental error in judgment on their part, but by their logic, I was a military veteran, and therefore mature. Immediately upon their departure, I phoned Tom and told him of the party we were planning for that evening. Jungle Juice would, of course, be made.
I don't know how our entire sleepy little town found out about the party, but it was an unmitigated disaster. As near as we could tell, roughly 300 people showed up, 260 of whom I had never laid eyes on before that night. The Juice was drained in about 20 minutes, and the house got trashed. My CD player and a dozen CDs were stolen right out of my stereo center, there were cigarette butts ground into the basement carpet, and some genius drained about 4 feet of water out of the pool. The only bright spot in that otherwise horrific evening was that the main floor was left immaculate. Before we started our little soiree, I got the bright idea of locking the upstairs off, so that the party would be contained only outside and in our walk-out basement.
Luckily, my parents almost never went into the basement, so for all intents and purposes, we knew that if we could clean up the outside of the house, it would be Like Nothing Ever Happened, at least from my parents perspective. Restoring the water level in the pool, therefore, became our highest priority. We all decided on a plan of action: My brothers would pick up all the trash around the house, I would clean up the pool area, and Tom would mow the front yard (the only chore my parents asked me to complete before they returned that afternoon). We would leave the basement cleaning for last.
After connecting hoses to all the outside spigots, I routed them all to the pool and turned the water on. Then I walked around the pool area, picking up cigarette butts, beer bottles, crumpled paper, and wet bras. Pretty soon, the place looked almost presentable.
That's when I noticed that there was a dead possum floating in the pool.
To this day, I have no idea how it got there. Whether it just wandered into the pool, or was placed there by someone else (and I didn't want to think about that scenario), I couldn't say. I suppose it didn't matter, but to this day it still makes me wonder sometimes. In any event, I clearly had to remove the creature and dispose of it somehow.
And that's when my devil horns popped out and I decided to throw it on Tom.
I scooped the possum out of the pool using the long-handled leaf skimmer thingy and carefully stalked around the house with it. My brothers saw me, knew instantly what I intended to do, and ran inside to grab a couple pairs of binoculars and enjoy the show from the safety of the front porch.
Tom was riding the mower with his back to me. I walked behind him, the possum a foot away from his back. Biding my time, waiting for the perfect opportunity, I thought I was going to shit myself. When Tom got to the end of the row, I flipped the skimmer over and dumped the possum on his lap. Then I ran.
What happened next is mostly hearsay from my perspective, because I was keeping myself busy by running my balls off. But evidently, Tom hesitated for a split second while his mind wrapped itself around the situation. Then he let out a ghastly Berserker Shriek and threw himself off the mower, which continued on across the street and into a ditch. Suitably enraged, Tom picked up the possum BY ITS NASTY NAKED TAIL and gave chase, screeching obscenities throughout the duration of the pursuit. I had forgotten how fast that bastard was, but he came within striking distance almost straight away and heaved the revolting carcass at me with fury blazing in his eyes. The vile remains of the possum scored a direct hit on the back of my head and I responded by screaming like a Goddamned pansy and jumping into the pool to disinfect myself of the filthy pathogens to which I had undoubtedly been exposed.
Tom, duly satisfied, walked back to the lawn mower, dragged it out of the ditch, and continued mowing Like Nothing Ever Happened.
Blaaaah! Gaaaaack! Dead possums! *wipes imaginary icky germs off self*
User Reviews
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
magic!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-03 18:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another masterpiece
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 10:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-10-29 15:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-29 15:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:51:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
my boss just gave me a dirty look cuz I was just laughing so hard...Tom is one crazy fuck
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-07-28 22:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ishgirl at 2004-07-28 18:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Takes alot ta make me laugh jimbo. Your tom stories r golden. lol
Submitted by isgirl at 2004-07-28 18:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Takes alot ta make me laugh jimbo. Your tom stories r golden. lol
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-26 16:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my boss just gave me a dirty look cuz I was just laughing so hard...Tom is one crazy fuck
Submitted by Kristin <not.at.deadmonkey.net> at 2004-07-16 05:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA HAHA just killed me a possum!!!!! Hit it with my "AMES" long handled shovel flat not on edge so as not to splatter blood efverywhere!!!!!!! HA HA HA I watch CSI so I know less blood less DNA HAHAH AH HA HAHA HAH HA EEEEEEEEIHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fun aint it?
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-07-13 17:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom rocks.
Submitted by sparrow at 2004-07-10 09:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-07-08 03:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by im_evelyn (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:01:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
So that is what a possum looks like.
I thought they would be cute, kinda like a koala.
____
funny!
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JIMBO IS MY FRIEND
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just read every Tom post I could find. Tears, mind you, TEARS.
Submitted by QueenAshIee (user info) at 2004-06-23 21:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ur ugly
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-23 21:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i started laughing before i read the post.
good stuff.
Submitted by packofqtips (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-23 09:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, Avals makes a good point there. What the fuck was I thinking, throwing a Goddamned dead possum on ANYONE, let alone Tom?
Submitted by Robot9598 (user info) at 2004-06-23 09:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-06-22 22:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PurplePeopleEater at 2004-06-22 20:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, I love these Tom stories! Go Jimbo!!! MORE!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-06-22 18:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I love these. I want to hang out with Tom.
Submitted by JChristian1965 (user info) at 2004-06-22 18:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post. *LOL*
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, wouldn't it be an oppossum?
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2004-06-22 16:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, seriously, how is Jimbo not on the MVA list? These stories are pure fucking gold. If Christpuncher can do it, it should be a breeze with these stories. Come on people!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-22 15:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahaha! Tom posts are fucking priceless.
You gotta admit though; this time it was your own damn fault. Hell, I'd respond just like Tom if you dropped a fucking dead possum in my lap. Still... Bwahahahahahahahahah!
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome once again. These are great.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your tom posts complete me. If tom posts were tangible, I would steal them and fly to abudhabi.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually look for a new tom post whenever I come to uber. Which is about 20 times a day.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo - your Tom series is one of my favoirte things on here. This and JMGs J-Date are the best series posts I have ever read.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am officially addicted to Tom posts.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was on the verge of laughing after the post (I don't laugh easily at all, so take that as a compliment) but then I read sliver's reply and for some reason that just set me off. +2s all around!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:55:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
laughed so hard i farted
________________________________
me too!!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So that is what a possum looks like.
I thought they would be cute, kinda like a koala.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I peed a little bit.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possums are the MOST vile creatures. NAS fucking TEEEE!
+2 for surviving a dead possum snaking through your hair.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was riding down the road one day and
Someone hit a possum
I was riding down the road one day and
Someone hit a possum
The road was his end
His end was the road so they say
Whoa possum... possum, possum... POSSUM
Whoa possum... possum, possum... POSSUM
Whoa possum, possum
Your end is the road
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
laughed so hard i farted
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Posts about tom dont even need replies anymore.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just made burst out laughing in the MacD's internet cafe, you crazy bum! hehehe
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment