I Hate Theater People! (1166 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by whataefag (View user info) at 2004-06-22 11:47:12 EDT
Last night I accompanied a good friend to a show to watch a "friend" of hers play guitar and sing hillbilly-country-folk songs. I was obliged to accompany her as a favor with expectations that the show would be terrible but she thought the guy was cute and would by me drinks to go, etc. So, unknowingly, I went, thinking that we'd listen to the guy play for maybe 45 minutes or so and then head elsewhere.
When the show began, the guy started playing and stopped about 20 seconds into the song to complain that the monitor was cutting out, the volume was fading, and there were a host of problems which made his glorious melodies sound not-so-glorious. He talked for about ten minutes between each song, gradually drinking his Budweiser, smoking American Spirits, and begging the audience to by him Southern Comfort shots with lime. I'm guessing that the other audience members were friends of the poor sap. He droned on for three, almost four, hours, constantly making jokes and laughing at himself, stopping in the middle of songs because the audience didn't react to his brilliant sense of "humor," complaining about the sound quality (mind you this was a Monday night performance for about seven or eight people in a very small, local bar), forgetting words, etc.
When the second hour rolled around, I was noticeably annoyed.
"Let's go," I whispered to my friend.
"We can't; it'd be rude."
"But this guy's going on and on, what if he doesn't stop?"
"He will. Just be patient."
So almost on cue, two hours into the show he said this is going to be my last song. I, relieved, downed my drink, lit a cigarette and stared blankly at his guitar case. Now, normally when someone says that it's going to be their last song, you think that's the case. However, as you've probably guessed, it was not the case last night. He played about ten "last songs" and announced each time that this was his last song. Even his last, last song was really a combination of two songs because he forgot the words to one halfway through and just started singing another song.
Every other bar of music was significantly louder or softer than the preceding one. Oh, and did I mention he played harmonica? It's this drone that echoed in my head for three very long hours last night and still resonates today with dissatisfactory clarity.
Every song sounded the same. It had the same rhythm; the same major chords; the same pitchy voice overlaid; the same deplorably bluesy lyrics about his plethora of ex-girlfriends and stripbars.
I'm not entirely sure if the Kettle or his not-harmonized strumming and harmonica blows gave me the headache, but, nonetheless, I have one today and it's really fucked up my morning.
So this leads to the point (yes there is one): I hate theater people. I know, I know, this guy was not in the theater, but it's his mentality that I find indicative of people involved with theater. My friend told me that when they'd hooked up prior she sat for hours listening to him say, "did I play this one?" and then sitting and playing guitar on his couch for hours, adlibbing and singing until she finally just had to lean over and kiss him to get him to shut the hell up.
I suppose in high school that there are all varieties of people. There are some who gravitate towards sports, or debate, or trivia competitions; some who prefer cheerleading or drill team, some who join the band or orchestra.
But, alas, there are the theater people, the hodgepodge of high school indignants, who join the theater because they don't really fit in anywhere else. There's not one solid thing that can be said about them collectively, because they're mostly isolate souls, but the outcome of joining the theater is monstrous. They turn into performers. They turn into people who want to be watched, who need to be watched, who are constantly beckoning for attention, and they dub themselves theater people, and sometimes, gasp, "theatre" people.
In short, there's a time in most people's life that they realize sometimes it's best to just shut the fuck up. Theater people never learned that lesson and have the impression that honing their skills means being a perpetual exhibitionist. There are some who are genuinely gifted performers and artists, but most are just people incessantly craving attention.
My friend went home with the guy last night.
She was on the rag, so I hope that he sang her to sleep.
User Reviews
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-06-27 21:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
There's nothing worse than a self absorbed artistic fuckshit. I don't care about the homosexuality, that doesn't bother me--it's the fucking drama.
Everything is a fucking soap opera with these fucks. Everything is a 'look at me--look at how tortured I am as an artist' scenario.
'I'm dying for my beautiful art'
Well, go back to your parent's basement and jerk off into a scented candle you fucking Romeo wanna be.
Your music sucks and your 'art' reminds me of the time I shit my diaper.
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I couldn't have put it any better if I paid someone. +1 for the article, and +1 for this comment.
Submitted by blitzkriegbabe (user info) at 2004-06-22 17:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to include my favorite part: when the boy got so drunk off the SoCo & lime that he had to sprint to the bathroom midway through the show, leaving the audience to listen to screeching feedback and the splashing of his piss hitting the urinal. What a catch!
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-06-22 15:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by befristends <athenais.at.fastmail.fm> at 2004-06-22 14:50:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
need i remind you that your best friend is a theatre person?
---------------
I know. And I love to hate her.
Submitted by befristends <athenais.at.fastmail.fm> at 2004-06-22 14:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
need i remind you that your best friend is a theatre person?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title alone.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...despite his objections...... he still stayed and probably even applauded the guy afterwards......I would have stood up right then and there.....Loudly exclaimed "BULLSHIT"....and mumbled incoherent shit the entire length of everyone seated in my isle as I rubbed my ass on their popcorn boxes.....then..reaching the fire lane..turned to the guy.........gave him a mock round of applause.."BRAVO"..GOLF CLAP
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-22 14:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember once I was at university in VA. For various reasons that I need not go into here, I ended up having to do some community service for the university. I lucked out, and got a spot taking pictures for the college paper.(Mostly because otherwise they would have had to pay someone to do it.)
One day I was assigned to take pictures of the university's amateur production of 'Turgidly Half-Assed German Drama No-One Except Theatre People Is Going To Come See' and so I schlepped on down and took a few pictures and talked to a few 'actors' and went on my way.
The next day, the editor calls me into his office and tells me that he received a screamingly histrionic phone call from the dram teacher/director and that she wanted me banned from the stage and from all of her future productions and that she wanted a formal apology from me and the paper
The reason? One of my friends had dropped by to double-check that evening's plans and I had inadvertantly referred to the play as an 'amateur production' and she had overheard me. I did the non-apology apology(i.e, I'm sorry you're an idiot)and she had an episode and I got shuffled over from the newspaper to doing security for the concerts they had for the students.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hooray! You joined! You're awesome.
Submitted by blitzkriegbabe (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As the enabler in this situation (the "friend on the rag" mentioned in the post), I am in a unique position to comment not only on whateafag's brilliant insights, but also on the accuracy of his story. And let me tell you, friends, it is all true, woefully true. If anything we're being a bit too kind here.
For those of you who are wondering why I put myself (and my poor friends) through this, well, I suppose it's my maternal feminine nature. With a little love and support, we can get this poor guy over his self esteem issues and out of the spotlight.
And if that doesn't work, I've got a big tube of superglue I might "accidentally" spill on his harmonica.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh well...to each his own, as it where.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well put. The only "theatre person" I know is a fucking needy, starved-for-attention, dramatic cunt.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame people pay to see those decrepit souls...why do people accommodate such individuals anyway?
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn thespians.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-22 12:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate all theater people...besides myself and the people I surround myself with.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a theater person myself, i can tell you right now, i fucking HATE those people.
LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK, ARE YOU 8?!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have hit with a blunt object.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-22 11:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's nothing worse than a self absorbed artistic fuckshit. I don't care about the homosexuality, that doesn't bother me--it's the fucking drama.
Everything is a fucking soap opera with these fucks. Everything is a 'look at me--look at how tortured I am as an artist' scenario.
'I'm dying for my beautiful art'
Well, go back to your parent's basement and jerk off into a scented candle you fucking Romeo wanna be.
Your music sucks and your 'art' reminds me of the time I shit my diaper.