Modern-Day Witchhunts (1532 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.67 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <freaky_person87.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-22 13:20:57 EDT
This is my first post. Read it and realize that, yes, I know more than you.
I was watching TV today and they had quotes about Bush from Kerry, and quotes from Bush, and quotes from that little sissy boy Nader and Edwards and Al Sharpton and all these other political idealists who believe they have a panacea for all the worlds problems and I had to fight to keep my hands from reaching over to my mom's knitting basket for a sharp pointy object to gouge my eyes out.
To make a long paragraph short, I've decided to revive a practice that will make the American political system much, much easier to deal with--the Puritanical witch hunt.
So, I have sitting here in my lap my own copy of the Malleus Maleficorum. Basically, it's a 16th-century witch-hunting manual. It tells how to identify witches, how to find out whether they're telling the truth or not, and how to deal with them. Throwing that away because I am neither Christian or believe that Christ was in any way the savior of mankind, I've decided to come up with my own condenced version.
Behold the power of Listerine:
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Question 1:
How to identify a witch/politician.
Point and scream "He's/She's a witch!"
Question 2:
How to question a witch/politician.
Point and scream "He/She turned me into a newt!"
Question 3:
How to dispose of a witch/politician.
Point out the flaws in their political viewpoints, prove to them that taxes don't solve anything, libertarianism will never work, capitalism is a great machine oiled by the blood of the working class, communism falls apart as soon as someone gets it in their ass to do things different, etc. etc. Point out every little flaw. When they realize that they're stupid idiots, they'll wither away and die. Well, maybe not die, but you won't hear from them again.
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Ok. That guide isn't very good, but it's effective. If we would just revive the old-fashioned witch hunt, we could point at Kerry, scream "He's a witch!" and everyone would realize that flip-flops are for the beach and not for politics.
Next, we attack Howard Dean. "He's a witch!" and everyone realizes that he's a madman and should be screaming like that or he'll develop strep throat.
Finally, after we get through the democrats, we point to Al Sharpton and just toss him in a hole. I don't think I need to explain the reasoning for this.
With those three out of the way, we tie up Bill Clinton, Bush Sr. and Jr., any member of the democratic or republican parties and try them all for witch craft.
Now, the liberals will think they have won. This is untrue. Because they are never happy with change (even their own change) we realize that they're raving hypocrites. So we accuse every last one of them of witch craft and, of course, get convictions.
Then we have all these political activists like those anti-smoking lobbyists etc. etc. and point out that we all have the fundamental freedom to harm our bodies in the way we see fit and that they are infringing on our inherint free will. Off with their heads.
So we continue with this until there's a select few intelligent people out there who realize that politics are pointless. We say we're sorry for all the witch trials, and go about our daily lives without the Price is Right being interrupted by inane political banter which we all know is false anyway.
I have spoken.
Obey.
User Reviews
Submitted by Takkun <greatfonzo.at.walla.com> at 2004-08-29 13:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.....
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All hail the power of anarchy.
And, instead of simply killing Bush, we should make him walk the tree.
If you watch the history channel, you should know what that means.
Submitted by Mentor (user info) at 2004-06-22 20:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The funny is there...but it's in the form of a riddle. Like those riddle things we buddhists have. "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If a tree falls in the company forest and nobody's around to know about it, do we lose one in the headcount?" (actual quote from my previous boss)
It's known as intelligent humor. It doesn't have to be dirty, it doesn't have to be crude, it doesn't even have have a punchline. Well...I'll leave you to figure out what I was going to say next.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-06-22 19:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I tried to laugh, but I couldn't find the funny.
-Bus
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2004-06-22 19:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If only I were this funny
Submitted by B2D (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mentor (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Joe can lick my balls because Joe's opinion doesn't matter. Besides, Joe shouldn't be talking in the third person. Mentor thinks it's crude and unfunny. And unfunniness has no place in my rectum.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-22 13:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
even random joe thinks you suck...
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE a witch!!!!!
Submitted by aliasjxc (user info) at 2004-06-22 13:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much awesomeness.