and more poetry (338 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.33 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by aliasjxc (View user info) at 2004-06-23 12:16:16 EDT
Someone said that my last poem was tame.
This one's a bit obvious with the sexual undertones.
But it got me an "A" in my poetry class.
"FLOWER"
Sitting silently in the bare back room of the parlor,
I have no second thoughts or sudden fears.
I hear the groaning of the needle just before
Sensing the thrust of the stark, stabbing spear.
I gasp. For moments, I forget to breathe.
All of my senses fade from consciousness
And as my nerves and blood start to seethe,
The mute pain and foreign pleasure coalesce.
When it was over, I felt no fear or regret.
The mark left on my soul and under my skin;
The little flower that bled; has ignited a torrid flame.
A fervent desire for this new, addictive sin.
But reason and logic were forgotten in the passion,
And worry fills my mind and heart--an aberration.
User Reviews
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-06-23 13:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because it's decent and because it's poetry, which I'm all about encouraging.
If you want constructive critisism, read on. If not, don't.
Make it more active. Take the lines and turn them from passive observations of an event into vivid movement, so that the event is palable, alive. Here's what I mean:
"Sitting silently in the bare back room of the parlor,
I have no second thoughts or sudden fears."
Already it's passive. You're just "sitting". You talk about what you don't have rather than what you have. (I'm deliberatly changing your poem for the sake of example. What I am writing is not the same as what you're trying to say, it's just an example of active speech.) More active would be something like,
"Shoved up against the bare back wall of the parlor I sit quietly.
Sewing."
"I hear the groaning of the needle just before
Sensing the thrust of the stark, stabbing spear."
This has the opportunity to be SO active! But instead you describe it as a passive thing, hearing the needle groan (does this happen in life? not so much....is there another way you can describe the needle since it doesn't squeak or make sound?)
"I gasp."
That's good. That's active and it contrasts with the lengthy sentances from before so it calls attention to the sharpness of the gasp. WOOHOOO!
"For moments, I forget to breathe."
Do you really need to say this? It's a cliche, so if you need it there at least say it in a new and interesting way.
"All of my senses fade from consciousness
And as my nerves and blood start to seethe,
The mute pain and foreign pleasure coalesce."
Coalesce.....that word calls attention to itself here.
"When it was over, I felt no fear or regret."
Ok....but what DID you feel? Or make the absence more interesting. You know?
"The mark left on my soul and under my skin;
The little flower that bled; has ignited a torrid flame.
A fervent desire for this new, addictive sin."
I love the image "the little flower that bled." Awesome. However, a semicolon is used to unite two complete sentances instead of a conjunction; use it as such.
"But reason and logic were forgotten in the passion,
And worry fills my mind and heart--an aberration."
The words 'were forgotten' makes it so passive. When Shakespeare wants to say this he says,
"And Reason, physician to my love, angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
Hath left me."
See how that makes it active?
I could say more but it all goes back to that basic point of active vs. passive language.
Keep writing! I'd love to see any future drafts of this poem.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Godammit. Look, here's a +2, okay? You rock, you rule, woooo, yay.
Now please, please stop posting these "poems". Poetry is the utterly brilliant use of rhythm and words and imagery to create something that can take your breath away.
This is poetry, in my opinion:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/30264
http://www.ubersite.com/m/32165
You have promise. Your work just needs to mature a little.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're taking a poetry class?
If you were a real poet you wouldn't need to sit around and have some washed up writer-wanna be grab one last second in the 15 minute spotlight talking shit about poetry.
By the way--it's not even worth a F-.
It's a fucking disasterous, infantile, egofucked, first-person boredom festival.
That's the truth, choke on it.
Submitted by facehead (user info) at 2004-06-23 12:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good use of imagery and vocabulary.