No, No, No, No, NO! (743 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.77 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-24 09:52:16 EDT
I have always stuck to a firm belief that stupid people should cease to exist. I'm about to give you a "mighty good" example of why that belief is now scientific fact:
There's this guy I work with, actually just down the hall from me, that for the past few years has been trying his hand at coun *gag*...excuse me, I apologize whole-heartedly for throwing up in my mouth. Country music. People around the office are taking to it well, considering I live in the buttcrack of America's two asscheeks -- otherwise known as Kentucky and West Virginia. Here in le' butte cracke', country music is a way of life for these sick bastards. This fellow even got a video in rotation on CMT for a couple months last year; oh yes, he's making the big-time!
Problem is, this guy doesn't fit the country music image exactly. Lets call him Lee, since his name may or may not be Lee McCormack. Lee wears bling on his wrists and around his neck, and his hair is short and slicked down on his head. And he has a habit of wearing insanely tight black short sleeve shirts that are supposed to accentuate pectoral muscles. And the fucker doesnt even play an instrument; ohh no, he has a band of misfit homeless guys to play backup music for him. So since he doesn't have to hold a guitar or be a cool singing drummer like Phil Collins, one would assume he at least has the decency to hold a microphone. Nah, Lee is too good for that shit. He wears one of those Britney Spears wrap-around-your-ear microphones when he's on stage. Maybe he's trying to be like Garth Brooks, but basically its just 100% homosexual.
So Lee's got a new album that just came out. I know this because last Friday he invited me to his "CD Release Party", which was basically about 5 people from a nearby rest-home, their grandkids that got dragged along, and Lee on stage hamming it up. All this at the beautiful Grandview Motel (cue some mean banjo pickin'). The wonderful thing about this album is Lee penned all the tunes himself, or at least thats what the album says. I, however, believe he coaxed his 4 year old daughter to scribble some shit on a napkin with a crayon. Or quite possibly, he glued his hands to the knobs of an old Etch-a-Sketch and had someone beat his face with a shovel to induce a seizure. His twitching limbs could have produced some jumble on the toy that resembles his lyrics. Lets examine the biggest "hit" on the album so far. I swear on my life I'm not making this up, and this is not some kind of William Hung II joke:
LOOKIN' MIGHTY RED
Miles across the land, I need a telescope to see,
My baby's out there on the beach and I think she's done left me,
Well thats OK now cause the bathing suits are lookin mighty thin,
There's too many other places that I'd rather been,
Then a nice lookin' little lady came up to me and said,
I think you need some lotion 'cause you're lookin mighty red,
Your lookin mighty red, Your lookin mighty red,
I think you need some lotion cause you're lookin mighty red,
You look just like a lobster lyin' on its bed,
Come jump into my ocean cause you're lookin mighty red,
Walked up to the concession stand and my eyes could only see,
A cute little girl in a two piece starin' straight at me,
I said hey now baby can I buy you somethin' you're lookin mighty good,
She said come back later baby, I think you're understood,
Then a nice lookin' little lady walked up to me and said,
I think you need some lotion cause you're lookin mighty red,
Repeat Chorus; In case of vomiting, seek medical help.
Not exactly the deepest most meaningful lyrics in the world. Plus whoever produced this album apparently made Lee think he could sing like Elvis, because he attempts throughout the entire album. The closest he gets is Abe Vigoda with bees on his nutsack. You can hear more of Lee's extraordinary talents on such tracks as "Holly Would", "Fast Water", and "Hoss Cat". I hate the fact that I just said hoss cat.
No one wants to tell Lee its a shitty song, shitty album, and shitty kind of music. Next month he's doing a tour in Germany and Afghanistan for a USO show. If you read the news about a wave of troop suicides, you know who to blame.
User Reviews
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 16:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AaAaAaAaAaA! Twas the pride of the peaches!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-21 07:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the fact that I just said hoss cat.
Really? I love it!
To be honest, that dude's lyrics don't sound that much worse than the lyrics of some top superstars. A lot of country music is laaaaaaaame. There's some good stuff too though, Johnny Cash, Lurleen Lumpkin, etc. Not my taste, but at least you can respect a guy like Willie Nelson...Toby Keith, not so much.
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-02-21 07:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my back hurts.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-10 11:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harsh, but fair.
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2004-08-10 01:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only acceptable country is phish.
other than that...lets just say i wanna nuke the entire state of kentucky
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-10 01:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where can i buy his cd?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-10 01:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I am lookin mighty Red, then it's because I am embarrassed for Lee.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-10 01:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That there song is purtier than a new set of snowtires.
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The closest he gets is Abe Vigoda with bees on his nutsack"
Go Fish!!!
Them there lyrics is surely plenty shitty.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. "Hoss Cat."
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A "Hoss Cat" is a country term for a fatbody...pigboy...hoghead bastard...an overweight homosapien. There's a big & tall clothing store here called Hoss Cat, and I think Lee's song is their theme song.
www.hosscat.com
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You work all day, for some old man,
Sweat and break your back,
Then you go home to your castle,
But your queen won't cut you slack.
That's why you're losin' all your hair,
That's why you're overweight,
That's why you flipped your pickup truck
Right off the interstate.
-Lurleen
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me fuckin laugh hard. +2 for you. Hoss Cat. What the fuck is that? Us city folk don't reckon wes know about that.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Or quite possibly, he glued his hands to the knobs of an old Etch-a-Sketch and had someone beat his face with a shovel to induce a seizure"
Submitted by Fartman <Fartman.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-24 10:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Abe Vigoda with bees on his nutsack"
I don't know why that made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look just like a lobster lyin' on its bed,
Come jump into my ocean cause you're lookin mighty red
I think we have found the next Dylan!
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Country music blows. I live in Kentucky too, and it drives me insane.
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just realized that during the chorus, I used the "Your" instead of "You're"
Yeah, thats because I copied those lyrics from the cd insert sheet. Asshat can't even use correct grammar!
Mommy, make the bad man stop!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-06-24 10:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 09:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, something that made me laugh. This was hilarious. "Lookin mighty red.."..hehehe.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-06-24 09:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your lookin mighty red, Your lookin mighty red........