Today (818 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.66 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-24 11:16:08 EDT
I hate this fucking disease. It is the constant observer at all times. It's the infuriating houseguest who just won't leave. It has kicked off its shoes, put its feet up on the coffee table, and opened the good scotch. It has made itself welcome. It is impervious to hints. It taints everything - every game, every outing, every happy time - with its presence.
Sitting on the floor with Cadie and clapping with her. I clap, she claps. I clap, she claps. I clap, she coughs. She keeps coughing and her face goes red and her whole body is wracked with these violent raw sounds that are bigger than she is. I can hear the way her lungs... bubble. There's no other word for it. She sounds like she's drowning. She is, in a way. I pick her up and pat her back, her chest, her ribs. The next hour is spent with Ventolin and physiotherapy.
I hate this fucking disease. Gen is hungry - it's almost lunchtime. I break open enzyme capsules and mix the tiny beads (those beads - they're ubiquitous, like beach sand. I find them on the kitchen counter, in the sink, on the floor. Clean them away and they're back two hours later) with the apple puree. Mix margarine into her food, weigh out what she eats, judge how many enzymes to give. Try to decide if she'll take longer than half an hour to eat, because the medicine only works for thirty minutes. Nothing's ever simple.
I hate that I can almost forget. I watch them play and laugh, and they look so beautiful, so happy.. so healthy. And it's okay for a while, until one starts coughing and her eyes water and she looks panicked, almost, because she's pulling for air.
I hate this fucking disease. I hate the hospital, with its acrid reek of antiseptics. I hate the needles, the tests, the drips, that random clinical cruelty. I hate the phrases they use there; 'Failure to thrive' is one of the most damning things a mother can hear. It doesn't matter that they can't digest food, and all the nurses in the world can tell you that it's common in cf infants. (CF infants. As though this is what defines them; they are not 'twins' or 'pretty' or 'clever'. They are cystic fibrosis babies. This is their identity, at least as far as the grinding impersonal machine of the medical profession is concerned. I understand the necessity of that. I still hate it.)
When you hear 'failure', the failure always, always feels like yours.
In a certain mood, that sense of failure feels like an old friend. It's familiar. It's constant. It is as bitter as acid and as addictive as nicotine. It blends well with the knowledge that half of this genetic fun-fest came from me, from my blood. Self-recrimination and bitterness can be dangerously intoxicating.
Today, I am tired. I'm sick of smiling. Tomorrow I'll feel better, and this will be forgotten. Self pity gives me a headache anyway. Tomorrow I will be annoyingly cheerful again, as I was yesterday, and the day before that. Smile smile smile fucking always fucking smile and everything will be okay.
Tomorrow I will be able to remember and believe that there are many people who have it much worse than I do. There are people dying, people in pain, people who've lost their children. Tomorrow I'll remember, and I'll be ashamed of myself for feeling this way now.
But today... today. Today I hate this fucking disease.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is one of my best examples of forced darwinism.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:13:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
In the next life, babies will be born disease free, and the only way to get a disease will be to be a bad person.
Infants deserve nothing but all the world's love, if I prayed, I'd be praying for the researchers to get that breakthrough soon and crush all diseases and disabilities that are unfairly born to infants.
Your strength and love for your twins is inspiring. They are not CF infants, they are your children--unscarred by dirty, painful titles such as that.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-18 11:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know you told me not to rate, but screw you, Im rating anyway.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-10 11:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know already how I feel about this....
You are a strong and beautiful person, Circe. I wish you all the best that life can provide for a person like you. Have fun in Amsterdam!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yet another +2
hehehe can you tell I am going through your stuff in no particular order?
You write like I want to.
I rely on my imagination and use of dialogue / situations to get me through a story.
What you have is pure skill. Like I said before, you're a wordsmith.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure what to say...
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I allowed to do this yet?
Everything you ever wanted to know about sliver
User id: 9524
Registered on or around: 2004-06-21 14:48:48
# Messages posted: 9
# Reviews written: 41
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 134
# Hits: 1511
Average rating of all messages: -1.17
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what were u bored or something. fuck. this shit pissed me the hell off. just can't tell you why i read the whole fucking thing. that's probably why i hate you right know for writing this. you fucker
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AUGH! I meant shitfick, not shandy. Damnation! Another +2 because I'm an idiot.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you. I second shandy, and here's another +2 for being a good mother.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-06-25 05:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i missed this before.
thanks a fucking lot you rotten bitch!!
thanks for making me feel like such a pathetic cunt, such a failed father, for all my trivial little worries and depressions.
anyway, i suppose your fucking kids are lucky to have a mum like you.
seriously.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-25 05:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:13:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
In the next life, babies will be born disease free, and the only way to get a disease will be to be a bad person.
Infants deserve nothing but all the world's love, if I prayed, I'd be praying for the researchers to get that breakthrough soon and crush all diseases and disabilities that are unfairly born to infants.
Your strength and love for your twins is inspiring. They are not CF infants, they are your children--unscarred by dirty, painful titles such as that.
___________________________________________________
Shitfuck, that was beautiful. Circe, so was your post.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-06-25 03:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you are an inspiration. Every time I read something you've written, even if it is the knockoff Dr Seuss poetry, it feels like art. Tolstoy defined art as anything which creates an emotional bond between the artist and the audience. By that definition this post is, fully, art. Because of that, you are justified in how you feel, and you are beautiful for being able to feel it so honestly. My hat, dear lady, is doffed to you.
Donation: 10 hugs, and 4 high-fives
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 21:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lady Plural: Not curable, no. But after a lung transplant, the respiratory problems aren't there anymore.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-06-24 20:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry. Bart should donate the uberboard profits to the children so that eventually they can get new lungs. Wait- Cystic Fibrosis isn't curable even with transplants, right? I'm not trying to be horrible, I just can't remember and I'm a lazy fuck. At least let Ubersite donate hugs for them-I'll start.
Donate- 10 *hugs*
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 20:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:59:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
Just put her down
She's in for a crappy life anyway
GO BEARS WOO!!!
_____________________
I don't know what annoyed me more about that, actually. The fact that you just told me to kill one of the kids (which one, by the way? 'Her' is a little indefinite), or the fact that you obviously didn't read it before deciding to be an asshole.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-24 14:48:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
I hope you vote for kerry, you must now understand the importance of abortion!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I hope you die
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just put her down
She's in for a crappy life anyway
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-24 14:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I hope you vote for kerry, you must now understand the importance of abortion!
Submitted by redearthws (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:57:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:17:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 good post.
-1 That's alot of hate for one post.
_________________________
Tomorrow I'll go back to the Dr Seuss ripoff poetry, honest. I was just having a bad day today.
---
Atleast you expressed yourself well enough to avoid a barrage of -2's.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel like any comment I make would cheapen this.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm frankly a little stunned. I wrote this cathartic little piece, fully expecting a blistering rage of '-2 stop feeling sorry for yourself.'
Thanks, everyone.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They are extremely lucky to have a mom like you.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really are very, very good. Definitely one of my uber favorites.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sure your beautiful babies are going to be all the
stronger because of the love you give them everyday.
it's okay to have a bad day as long as you bounce back,
which of course you will. those are your babies and they
are beautiful no matter what anyone says.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the next life, babies will be born disease free, and the only way to get a disease will be to be a bad person.
Infants deserve nothing but all the world's love, if I prayed, I'd be praying for the researchers to get that breakthrough soon and crush all diseases and disabilities that are unfairly born to infants.
Your strength and love for your twins is inspiring. They are not CF infants, they are your children--unscarred by dirty, painful titles such as that.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-24 12:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Darling, when you showed me a picture of your girls all I thought was "beautiful, adorable, happy, little twin babies". They are not defined by their disease.
And you, dear lady, are a wonderful mother. To be a single mom is noble and amazing. To be a single mom of three is astounding. To be a single mother with twins is incredible. To be a single mother of twins with this disease is a feat without appropriate words to describe. And you are doing a wonderful job. I am awed by you. I am proud to know you.
Until you feel better tomorrow, please take some comfort in knowing that it is ok for you to feel this way today.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:17:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 good post.
-1 That's alot of hate for one post.
_________________________
Tomorrow I'll go back to the Dr Seuss ripoff poetry, honest. I was just having a bad day today.
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a good piece. Sorry that you are going through this.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO comment given
No comment neccessary
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh honey, i am so sorry.
i... i have no comment....
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My eyes are welling up.
Submitted by Ceaser (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, well written, very expressive
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Failure to thrive" is bogus... it's what doctors tell you when they see something unusual on a chart and they're too stupid and lazy to figure out what it means (matching hate for hate here).
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-24 11:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 good post.
-1 That's alot of hate for one post.