How NOT to behave at a wedding (1097 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.25 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-24 13:00:36 EDT
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in the early part of October. The weather was unseasonably warm - the perfect day for a fall wedding. My husband and I had been invited to the grand event by his ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, one of his best buds for over 5 years. They had remained good pals despite the fact this guy started dating his ex about 3 minutes after my husband broke up with her. But that was all in the past, today we were here to celebrate the glorious union of man & wife.
Their first mistake was inviting along one of my girlfriends from high school - someone they didn't know very well, but had taken a liking to instantly. Wendy brought her good friend John as a date, with whom she had been madly in love since high school, but had somehow managed to remain in total denial of the fact.
The ceremony went off without a hitch. Afterwards, Wendy, John, my husband and I stopped back at our house for a few drinks before the reception. This is where things started going downhill.
By the time we arrived at the hall, we all had a nice little starter buzz going. We were primed and ready to party like it's 1999. The four of us were sat at a table with two other women, both single, and both incredibly cute, which did not go unnoticed by John. After all, he was a single man out on the prowl, and what better place to meet women than a wedding where you know next to no one?
As dinner progressed, he began shamelessly flirting with the girls, all the while blatantly ignoring his "date". As you may well imagine, this did not go over so well with Wendy, who was quickly turning a shade of green even the Incredible Hulk would envy. To ease her pain, she began to hammer back the homemade wine, glass after glass, bottle after bottle.
As she drowned her sorrows in her 3rd or 4th bottle of white (I lost count after 2), John began negotiating with his new friends to ditch the wedding (and his date) and meet up with them at a local watering hole. That's when the crying began. And we're not talking about a single, delicate tear sliding down a rosy cheek - we're talking full on, incomprehensible screeching, snot-nosed, waterworks. The kind of sobbing you do when you realize you have nothing left to live for and are about to slit your wrists in the bathtub while blaring some god-forsaken Sarah McLaughlan song about finding comfort in the arms of an angel. All of this in the middle of a so-called "celebration of love". The words "making a scene" wouldn't do this performance justice.
After a screaming match, a few bitch-slaps, and me convincing her he's a jerk that isn't worth the tissue she was wiping her nose with, it (finally) occurs to John that he has upset his long-time friend, and he decides to remain faithfully by his date's side at the wedding. Cock-block accomplished.
With tears subsided for the time being, we decide it's time for some good ol' fashioned wedding dance fun. We proceed to get our groove on, and quite inelegantly at that. As the sweat from shakin' her boo-tay begins to make her more and more uncomfortable, it occurs to Wendy that now would be the appropriate time to remove her undergarments. What in the world was she thinking wearing that evil, one-piece, industrial strength spandex, fat roll hiding, ass crack riding girdle anyway? It had to go, and go it did.
She emerged from the ladies room, beige girdle and pantyhose in hand, and proceeded to shove her sweaty underthings into the pocket of my husband's suit jacket for safe-keeping, all the while singing "Free at last, free at last. Praise the Lord, I'm free at last." Now bra and panty-free, wearing only a sleeveless sundress which was, at best, only mildly transparent, it's time for the real moving and shaking to begin.
Now, I love my friend dearly, but it has to be said that she is by no means Twiggy. Baby got back. Imagine if you will, a 6' tall woman with D-cup breasts and an ass like Queen Latifah, shaking her rump on the dance-floor sans support in a see-through dress. Not one of her more shining moments, I must say.
Shortly thereafter we decide that we've more than adequately entertained the wedding party, and it's high time we bid them adieu. We pack up our things, and head for the door. But wait - what's this? A midnight buffet table? All that dancing has made us mighty hungry, so we decide to get a snack for the road. Wendy hands me a small dessert plate, and proceeds to fill it with layer after layer of cake, squares, and other tasty treats. By the time she was done, our tiny plate must have been piled at least 2 feet high with sugary, diabetes-inducing snacks. Did we stop there? Hell no. Sandwiches. Mini sandwiches. Hundreds and hundreds of tasty mini sandwiches. She takes a handful, and then another.
So there we are - my husband with a pocket full of sweaty panties, me with a 2 foot high plate of coma-inducing sugar, Wendy with boobs hanging loose and free, taking enormous bites of mini sandwiches while attempting not to stumble and fall flat on her face from the drunken stupor, and poor, pathetic John sulking behind with the biggest set of blue-balls known to man - all marching out the door without so much as a good-bye, let alone an apology for the sobbing, bitch-slapping, titty-flopping fiasco we had just unleashed on their closest friends and family. All I can say in our defence is that at least Wendy waited until we were in the car to start the cake fight. It was indeed a night to remember.
You know, I really just can't understand why it is we're no longer friends with the bride and groom. It just doesn't seem right to me to invite someone to your wedding, and subsequently stop returning their calls. Go figure.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-05 21:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wouldn't want you or your entourage anywhare near me or my valuable posessions!
And, that John guy was a dumbass! He shoulda left like the Fonz with those two cute chicks...I would have, and I woulda been a better person for it.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-25 07:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gee guys, thanks for being gentle! I was totally expecting a severe flaming ;-)
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. I've been to that wedding. Had a blast. Hmmmm. That could be a post for me . . . if I were a juice thief anyway. I'm not, damn it.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love getting drunk at weddings and dancing and merriment
although, the crying hysterical part was a bit much.
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but that's the fun of weddings
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could see her dancing, just now. The bone deep shudder it induced is worth a +2 all by itself.
Submitted by CleverName (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Way to go. You tainted someone's wedding day. Boo.
Submitted by other_peoples_bagels (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny :)
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and another.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant this to be a +2 sorry.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"World, meet White Trash." Very entertaining story to say the least.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-24 13:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well that's class right there.