How I Joined The Beaver Mafia. (724 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.4 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SoxSexSax (View user info) at 2004-06-24 14:11:23 EDT
I am being controlled by the beaver mafia. Shut the fuck up laughing, this isn't funny. My life and my family's life is in very serious danger, all because of one stupid, little decision.
I read the advert in the paper. "You need cash DAM fast? Be a busy Beaver and call 1-800-BVR-MAFIA today." I did need cash fast...I've a two-hundred pound a day Choco Milk habit to feed. How was I supposed to know I'd be calling the most feared and lethal crime syndicate in the world? How could you tell from the advert? They were playing with me, right from the start.
The phone conversation went like this.
Me: Hello, I read your advertisement in the local paper and I'd like to organise a loan.
Beaver: Why hello sir. My name is Mr Beaver and on behalf of the Beaver Mafia we would like to say...we've traced this call and we know where you live, you stupid, gullible motherfucker. You make one wrong move and I'll send my otters round to bite your wife's ankles off.
That's how my association with them began. Naturally, after I'd got off the phone, I rationalised with myself. I mean, just how dangerous could a group of otters, weasels and other assorted riverside mammals really be? So I decided to disobey the instruction I had been left by the beaver, the instruction to assassinate the architect in charge of designing the Fanshawe Dam in London for his crimes against dam design.
Big mistake.
The next night I was awoken by a strange scuffling noise outside my bedroom door. Naked and vulnlerable, I leapt up and grabbed the heavy end of a two-part pool cue to face whatever was outside in the landing. Slowly the door handle sunk downwards, until finally with a click the door opened inwards. Five otters fell through the door - they'd been standing on each other to reach the door knob. Behind them casually entered two badgers. The larger one of these did the talking.
Badger: Nice house you got here. Be a shame if some careless, filthy beast...arbitrarily urinated all over your rug!
He lifted his leg and sprayed a foul smelling stream of yellow liquid all over my wife's favourite cream rug. I was actually quite pleased by that particular eventuality...but I was dreading his next move.
Badger: I hear you don't think you need to follow the boss' orders. And when someone won't do what the boss says, I take it personal. It's like you're disrespecting me. Are you disrespecting me?
Me: No way Mr Badger sir.
Badger: Good. I'd hate to think I'd lived to see some puny human talking back to me. But that brings us back to our little problem. See, the boss gave you a task to do. And it ain't done. The man's still walking around, planning more crappy, stone dams in his empty little head. And the boss wants to know, what are you going to do about it?
Me: I don't know who he is Mr Badger. Or where he is for that matter.
Badger: See, the boss said you'd say that. And he also said to remind you that he knows you know your way around a computer, and he knows you're smart enough to find that kinda stuff out on the internet. So, the question still stands: what the fuck are you going to do about it?
Now I got angry. Big mistake number two.
Me: Fuck you. I ain't killing no human on the say-so of some filthy beaver who uses a flea-infested, brainless beaver to do it's dirty...
Before I could finish speaking, the second badger leapt up at my face with speed and power I wouldn't have believed had I not both seen and felt it myself. It pushed me onto the bed next to my petrified wife and began sinking it's teeth deep into my arm and scratching at my face with its extremely sharp claws. It was snarling loudly as it did.
Hard Badger: You a big tough guy? Where's the big tough guy now eh? Where's the big tough guy who told my friend they were flea infested and brainless. Faggot!
Blood was oozing from my face from the scratches. He kept biting me and clawing me, and I seriously thought I was going to black out from the pain. Eventually it backed off, panting and glowering menacingly at me.
Badger: It's too late to say sorry. The job has been given to another. But you will do our next job for us...or your wife will be the one to suffer. Understand?
I nodded wordlessly. What else could I do? I became a human footsoldier for the beaver mafia.
Now they want me to travel to Egypt and destroy the Aswan Dam, to ensure work for immigrant beavers for the next hundred years...and they're holding my wife captive, threatening to unleash chemical warfare (well, Weil's disease, anyway) on her. What am I going to do?
User Reviews
Submitted by Klondike the yellow <klondike.at.the-yellow.co.uk> at 2004-07-15 17:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hmmmm, you are a dick. I think that's fair.
Submitted by mugshit <tpmoatie.at.aol.com> at 2004-06-25 10:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the skating world, we have an organization called the SPB(Silly Pink Bunnies). They're EVERYWHERE. They're referred to as the most evil skate crew ever. I'm not making this shit up. IF you ever see SPB written on a wall or something, and you will, now you'll know what it is.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-25 10:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-06-24 23:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was, in fact, well written. You write well. However, it isn't all that funny or interesting. I expected something great when I saw the title, but alas, I was turned down.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-24 17:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
entertain this
....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\.............\...
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-24 17:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger...
Please lord make it stop.
Submitted by lickalotopuss (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how cum i have wynona's big brown beaver playing in my head?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:32:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason when i read the title my mind immediately
went to another kind of beaver. what is wrong with me? i
thought you were involved in some illegal sex acts.
______________________________
hahahaha me too!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simplychilled (user info) at 2004-06-24 15:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll have a pint of whatever you're drinking, just to see if I can get that fucked up
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Beavermania!!!!
It really would've been better with the *other* kind of beaver though...
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:37:02 (#)
Ranking: -1
Damn, I hate when they put public libraries so close to Free REHAB clinics...
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason when i read the title my mind immediately
went to another kind of beaver. what is wrong with me? i
thought you were involved in some illegal sex acts.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what monkeypants said.
Submitted by Mentor (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dropping acid will do that to ya.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
not that good.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want whatever pills you are taking
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What in the holy hell was this?