How To Avoid Getting A Speeding Ticket (42530 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: boredatwork
Rating: 1.85 on 106 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2004-06-25 14:22:51 EDT
Well, my driving record has officially gone down the shitter.
I'm not sure if any of you other Uberusers have this law, but here in Connecticut, if you get 4 moving violations (speeding tickets, accidents, etc.) in a 3-year period, you must attend a driver retraining course and pay $60 to go otherwise your license gets suspended. Wow, my state sucks.
On my way back from work, I have to take I-95 home. Unfortunately, this stretch of highway has been under construction for the past year and a half, and the explosion in Bridgeport which melted the supports didn't help traffic much either. Basically, in the areas where there is construction, traffic is backed up terribly, and the speed limit goes down from 55 to 40.
I've already gotten 3 tickets in two weeks, since the cops are out in force. I've never seen anything like it. One time, I got a ticket for doing 80, and before I pressed down on the accelerator, I thought to myself, "There won't be any cops in this area."
Irony at it's best, my friends.
But this story revolves around how I avoided getting out of my 4th ticket. I had brought my car up to 70 in a 40 (I thought it was a 55) and a cop promptly appeared out of the shadows to pull me over.
"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed.
I brought my car to a halt, rolled down my window, and that bright light appeared behind me as if to say, "Hey everybody! Look at this guy! I'm gonna fuck him up the ass!" I hate that fucking light.
What was I going to do? I couldn't afford another ticket, I would have to pay $239 plus another $60 for the retraining. I couldn't take a day off from work to fight it, and even if I did, the most that would happen would be me getting a reduced fine. That wasn't enough. I had to get out of this.
Would I try and talk him out of it? Nah, that might just piss him off. Bribe? No, I'd probably be paying more to get out of it than the ticket itself. Plus it's illegal. Cry like a pussy? Hell no, I have my pride..... well..... actually, let's keep that thought aside.
As I saw the cop approach the car, my mind raced. What would I do!? I had to act quick.
It was then that I punched myself square in the face.
Just so that I don't come across like a complete psycho, let me fill you in on some information about me. I have a very sensitive nose. I suffer from spontaneous nosebleeds quite often, usually from the change from very humid to very dry weather. Yes, I'm a classic geek. Laugh it up.
Punching myself in the face did the trick, though, as my nose began to gush blood. I held my face up, and sucked back all the blood. The officer walked up.
"Any idea how fast you were going, son?"
"Uhm, no officer. I can't see my speedometer."
"Oh. May I ask why?"
"Uh..... I have a really sensitive nose, and with all the dry weather, my nose started to bleed while I was driving. I'm really sorry, I've been trying to keep my speed reasonable. You wouldn't have any tissues, would you?"
The officer stared back at me blankly. I lowered my head a little bit, and let some blood run down my face.
"Oh, jeez! Uh, I'll be right back."
The officer jogged back to his car and went inside. He stayed in there for a minute. A minute turned into 5. What was he doing? I checked my rearview mirror, and saw a huge grin on his face. He had been laughing his ass off, no doubt. What was so damn funny?
The officer approached my car again with a wad of tissues in hand. My face felt kinda funny. He handed me the tissues.
"Ok, listen. I'm gonna let this one slide because I know you don't need this kinda thing on your record."
Waves of relief swept over me, and I smiled.
"Oh, thank you officer. That's really great."
He nodded knowingly.
"This was by far the most original way to get out of a speeding ticket. I've seen all sorts of characters, but you take the cake."
I stared back at him in shock. He knew!?
"Uh.... what?"
"Punching yourself in the face and starting a nosebleed? Man, that's good. The boys'll love that one. Listen, I want you to stay here until the bleeding slows down, and then make sure you press those tissues to your nose, and drive yourself to the nearest hospital. Your nose looks broken."
I looked in the mirror, and sure enough, my eyes were black and blue, and my nose was swollen as hell.
"Woah." was all I could come up with.
"Oh, and slow down in the future." He said.
And with that he laughed all the way back to his car as I sat there, nose throbbing, and mulling over how much of an idiot I am. He drove away, and I looked at the tissues. It was already soaked in blood.
"Fuck! I'm such a fucking moron!" I thought to myself as I punched the glove compartment.
I heard a crack.
"Oh for the love of God, please tell me that was my hand that broke." I thought to myself.
Sure enough, that was not the case. I had broken the glove compartment. Motherfucker.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
priceless indeed.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
suck his cock next time, it works.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember reading this ages ago...
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! I know how it goes. I drive on the Merritt which sucks an equal amount of balls with traffic. But I usually just shoot the cop in the face when he walks up to the window. REPRESENT CT!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha!
Submitted by liquid_lightning (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats so friggen funny, I don't know many people, even facing a ticket who'll have the balls to punch themselves hard enough to break their own nose!
Good job man, maybe I'll use it someday.
Submitted by a person from CT <swarm48.at.homail.com> at 2004-10-05 02:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very original idea man, two thumbs up.
I live in Lyme CT, and if you know the area you know there is nothing....at all....maybe cows...and trees...
If you know the area, you also know that the cops are absolute bitches...I swear Old lyme wouldnt even have cops if it wasnt for my old Highschool. At any rate, im a major speeder....its a addiction...
i got caught going 60 in a 30 (which is actually fairly slow, by my standards), i should have had my licsence suspended, hell i should have been arrested....still dont know how i talked myself out of that one
again, two thumbs up
Submitted by bob <bob.at.bob.bob> at 2004-10-04 14:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gee after 3 tickets youd think you would take the hint AND SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!
guess not.. dipshit
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me laugh and killed some time at work, great job. the picture topped it off
Submitted by lexie <lexie_tx.at.netzero.com> at 2004-09-17 17:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucking funny
Submitted by queenoftheramen (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YourMom <your.at.mom.com> at 2004-09-13 19:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey maybe while you're getting your nose fixed you can also get your entire face fixed, you fugly bastard.
Submitted by Luso (user info) at 2004-09-10 16:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha!!! That was hilarious!!!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-08 08:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahhaa......
Submitted by kingjc (user info) at 2004-09-08 07:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality!
Submitted by squirrely_wrath (user info) at 2004-09-08 07:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed
-brilliant
Submitted by jlbinct (user info) at 2004-08-28 23:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're right the cops are out in full force this month but normally i just flash my tits to get out of a speeding ticket.
Submitted by Khoublaikhan (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stephanie <stephaniekleinn.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-30 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I laughed out loud and everyone looked at me....my favorite was the use of profanity about half way down. Having just booked a driver improvment class at the improv this was all too familiar.
Submitted by Anniez <blah.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-26 15:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah man thats the most hillarious thing i've heard in a long time lol! Sounds like something i would of done! keep it up dude! hehehe!
Submitted by justin at 2004-07-22 15:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've always thought of doing that same thing to try to get out of a ticket, except i was going to put blood capsuls* in my glove compartment and use them instead, but your idea still works
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-21 20:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe I missed this.
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-07-14 11:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet...
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-07-09 11:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-07-07 15:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sparrow at 2004-07-02 07:00:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
why don't you just stop speeding?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you trying to be rational on Ubersite?
Submitted by Fromaster at 2004-07-03 23:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story! I should try that, cuz I have the same problem with my nose, and I drive hella fast. I hope Oregon doesn't have that same lame-ass 4 violation law that Conneticut does.
Submitted by Lauren <lwalther.at.hawaii.edu> at 2004-07-03 06:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too have 3 points (and I can't afford to get a 4th), but I've never had a nosebleed in my life and I don't think I'd get one even if I punched myself mega super hard in the face. I wonder what kind of bodily harm I could submit myself to that would make sense like that.
Submitted by Me at 2004-07-02 14:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking great!
Submitted by whofarted (user info) at 2004-07-02 10:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oops previous comments refers to this http://www.ubersite.com/m/37257
Submitted by whofarted (user info) at 2004-07-02 10:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Nigger is very vulgar and crude word and should never be used. Especially when the words Coon, Spook and Jig-A-Boo are readily available
Submitted by Sparrow at 2004-07-02 07:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story though.
Submitted by sparrow at 2004-07-02 07:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why don't you just stop speeding?
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2004-07-01 15:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have the same nose problem, it just bleeds all the fucking time, for no reason.
once i breathed funny and it started bleeding,
another time it happened while i was sleeping. maybe i have punchmyselfinthefaceits
Submitted by moxie (user info) at 2004-07-01 15:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely reminded me of Fight Club.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-07-01 00:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work, laddie
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-06-30 19:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the funniest things I have ever read in all my time on Ubersite (id = 970)
B@W Nomination!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-30 19:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im going to review this every time i see it with +2 :D
Submitted by NOYB <NOYB> at 2004-06-30 19:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude. it's time to buy a radar detector.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest posts I've read on this site.
Submitted by ZeroControl <zerocontrol.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-30 12:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're one ugly mother fucker, you know that?
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-30 00:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37051<-----------Hot naked women.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-29 20:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by murtisha (user info) at 2004-06-29 13:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-29 13:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on the B@W Matt! Finally, some recognition, you deserve it. (As I see you got left off yet another list... http://www.ubersite.com/m/36963 Haha)
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-06-28 21:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats BAW.
classic.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-06-28 20:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2k hits woo!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yip. Still the best
Submitted by dooopydo (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really, really funny. Heads above a lot of the stuff I read here. Funny even without using the "F" word!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So how much did it cost you to go to the hospital?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-28 09:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by anSiarach (user info) at 2004-06-28 05:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 05:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still the best
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the guy that gave it 0 in a reply to a review.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To counter the guy who gave it -2
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly the best post ever.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-28 04:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-06-28 03:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb.
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-06-28 03:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by im_evelyn (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my. Thats was fucking halarious. I am happy sorry about your nose though!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go B@W WOo!
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood how tape always helped support them broken noses...
Whew, lucky catch. I nearly +1'd this on ax-ee-dint.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on the blah blah blah.
Submitted by AndraSidan (user info) at 2004-06-27 01:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if I laugh out loud when reading a post, it's a good one
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-06-27 01:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:45:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you say your last name?
moy-er-alinimagus-o?
-------------------------------------------------------------
HAHAHAHA.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My-er-ah-no
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you say your last name?
moy-er-alinimagus-o?
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-06-26 07:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-26 03:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Littering and...
Littering and...
Littering and...
Littering and...
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-06-26 03:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But officer isn't the speed limit 65?
Yeah. It is.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-26 02:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I watched Super Troopers tonight.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-25 23:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah.
Submitted by cnympho247 (user info) at 2004-06-25 22:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need to stop getting speeding tickets or at least know where the speed traps are to avoid them.
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-06-25 20:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-25 19:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
i suppose giving him oral is out of the question?
Submitted by Dashel (user info) at 2004-06-25 19:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-06-25 18:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have sworn Harry Potter got around on a broomstick, not in a car.
Nice post.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honeslty...........not what I meant.........you actually look British
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Slapshot - No. But my teeth are definately fucked up, I know.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you British by any chance?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JMG - We should definately chill. I'm at work right now, so I'll try and hit you up with an email sometime tonight.
Although, there's not too many places I know of where we can chill. Know any bars where they'll serve a 19 year-old?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-25 17:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, if you had boobs you could get out of tickets just by leaning over.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-06-25 16:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy dogshit, Matt. Let's hang. E-mail (or IM) me.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-25 16:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is NOT a good picture of you. but a funny story anyway.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-06-25 16:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been sayin B@W since yesterday but... i'm late on this one
B@W!!!!
B@W....
Submitted by lickalotopuss (user info) at 2004-06-25 16:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jonukah's evil twin
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply Amazing
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clap-clap-clap!
Now THAT is some good reading, Matt.
Submitted by Naheenanajah (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome!
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WhoLetYouIn- 63, you idiot. get your quotes straight.
-Do you know how fast you were going?
-uhh...65?
-63.
-I'm freakin out, man.
-You ARE freakin out....man (man man man...).
-You wanna know why I pulled you over?...littering.
-Officer, th-that's not ours-
-Candy bars!
-Littering and...littering annndd
-Littering and, uh
-Littering and...
-Littering and...littering annndd
-Littering and, uh
-Littering and...
......[children laughing...]
-Littering and smoking the reefer.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely B@W!!!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed.
"It was then that I punched myself square in the face. "
As I read those two lines I choked on my arizona iced tea then it came out
of my nose. Thanks a lot!!!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-25 15:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Putting a breathe-easy strip over your nose to look like a band-aid is sad. I want to cry now. Nice fake post.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uh..... I have a really sensitive nose, and with all the dry weather, my nose started to bleed while I was driving. I'm really sorry, I've been trying to keep my speed reasonable. You wouldn't have any tissues, would you?"
The officer stared back at me blankly. I lowered my head a little bit, and let some blood run down my face.
Very funny. Nice work!
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-Do you know how fast you were going?
-uhh...65?
-64.
~Super Troopers.
Fucking nice.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Next time when the cop walks up to your car ask him if he is selling tickets to the police officer's ball. Hopefully he will reply with, "No, police officers don't have balls." Then you can laugh at him until he arrests you.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-25 15:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Matt can I fuck your bloody nose.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:35:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
If my nose were that big, I'd punch myself in the face too.
___________________________________________________________
I tried not to laugh, really I did. It didn't work.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about sliver
User id: 9524
Registered on or around: 2004-06-21 14:48:48
# Messages posted: 9
# Reviews written: 41
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 134
# Hits: 1511
Average rating of all messages: -1.17
From a man who knows shit......
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JMG - Holy hell, I think we're kinda close. I live in Orange. And just in case you don't know where that is (not many do) it's right by Milford, or 10 minutes away from New Haven.
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i want to punch you in the face for writing that shit
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a god-damn genius, Matt. Where in CT do you live? I'm in Westchester.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or.....you show him yer pecker. Works for me.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So.. did throwing the breathe-right strip on a broken nose help it any?
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture.....
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RAWK.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Times
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boss just yelled at me to stop screwing around on the internet and get back to work.
I did the "suppressed laugh" so hard he heard me from 15 cubicles away.
Damn you.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Four words that will get you out of a speeding ticket:
"I've got diarrhea, officer."
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one. This may sound stupid, but have you ever thought about slowing down?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did Sideburns just say something MEAN?!?!
Yes I did.
And I take it back.. I feel guilty.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wouldn't it be less painful to oh I don't know SLOW THE FUCK DOWN?
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If my nose were that big, I'd punch myself in the face too.
Submitted by Pittdude (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The mental picture of what this would look like almost made me fall out of my chair laughing
Submitted by DancingHobo (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With all that money you saved, couldn't you afford a razor?
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
This one is going in my "Uber Scrapbook".
Fun times.
Stay orange.
--JW