Continuation: How to Avoid Being a Harpy (1223 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A. Miller <a_bone_to_pick.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-25 22:20:40 EDT
This is a continuation of this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36567
Before I proceed, I think I should explain my motives. I honestly do hope this and my previous post will help somebody. However, I do have a selfish motive as well. It's hard as hell to practice what one preaches, and I have to work at suppressing my inner harpy daily. In order to keep a happy marriage, I have had to reform nearly my entire thought process- reprogram myself, if you will. By writing these things down, I back myself up, confirm, and discipline myself mentally. You have the benefit of my struggles, but only if you want them.
There are lots of women preaching ideas contrary to the norm; most of them from an ultra-conservative, religious point of view. Also, they tend to hold themselves up as paragons of virtue, which I am not. (I am a semi-educated, redneck/coonass former bartender who cain't hardly work this here newfangled computer doohickey.) They want society to reverse itself. We don't want this, but we also don't need for things to continue along as they are currently.
Once again, I'd like to point out that this is not meant for anyone out there who couldn't care less about being in long term relationships or getting married. As I wrote to someone who commented on my last post, think of me as a well-meaning, but painfully honest cousin. You know, the relative who never fails to let you know that you need to lose weight, update your hairdo, or that you have a huge festering zit on your forehead.
A meaningful line in the book "Hannibal", by the author (and Mississippi native) Thomas Harris, reads like so: "The first step in the development of taste is to be able to credit your own opinion." It applies in this way. When you meet/date a man, and find yourself attracted to him, there is a reason why. Perhaps it is chemistry, psychology, fate, or all three. Unfortunately, just as soon as we feel comfortable with him, we start trying to change him. Maybe we don't realize we are doing so. Some women do this by outright criticizing the man, some do it through subtle manipulation.
Did you know that you can hurt him with your facial expressions? Yep, yep. Rolling your eyes every time he cracks a corny joke in front of your friends, then starting to talk so he's forced to shut up. Tightening your lips and narrowing your eyes when he says he's going somewhere with someone you happen not to like but have no basis for distrusting. Doing that little head movement that only black chicks used to do when in an argument. Flipping your hand up in the "talk to the hand" gesture. (That's something I still accidentally do.)
Each of us has her own bitchy, fussy, harpy way of showing annoyance, and it's a rare man that will admit that even your facial expression and gestures affect him. He internalizes instantly, telling himself that you didn't mean it or that he didn't see it at all. If you get nothing else out of this, remember: men interpret your prissiness as disdain and contempt. Watch your voice, as well. We have this tone of voice sometimes that says, "Eeew! Like, ohmigawd! You suck!"
So he's got bad habits and/or traits. Farts in the car with you? Has a stack of soggy Penthouse forums beside the john? Wears sloppy clothes ever since your third date? Or maybe he's just too damn quiet around your friends and doesn't like to dance. How about a hairy back and itty-bitty butt pimples? Crooked tallywhacker? Forget it. Overlook it. Do not mention it, and cease to even notice. These things don't amount to diddly when it comes to building a strong foundation. If some unfortunate, deluded woman can overlook a man abusing them physically and mentally, you can damn well overlook the fact that he just scratched his balls in public. Determine whether you can deal with his imperfections, and if the answer is yes, then read on.
Here's a rather simplistic analogy, but one that most women will get. You go into Rave, and try on an outfit. Damn, you look sexy in that outfit, and it's on sale. It minimizes your thunder thighs, slenderizes your thick waist, enhances your tiny tits, and the color makes your sallow skin look great. You buy it because of how you feel while wearing it. You can completely forget your imperfections because the outfit's good qualities outshine them.
When you have decided that you can deal with a man's shortcomings, you need to focus, hard, on what you do like, just like the outfit. Now here's the tricky part. You go down to Claire's Boutique and find a necklace and earring set that make the cleavage area even more appealing. You get some shoes from Payless that makes your legs look longer. You get control-top hose that make your thighs and waist just about perfect. You are adding things that support the overall structure of the dress, not taking away from. You don't take a pair of scissors to the neckline and hemline!
A man's ego can be like the outfit. The more you build it up, the better it is. If you can give him genuine compliments on his good qualities, he will feel loved, respected, and honored to be with you. If you tear down his ego with criticism and manipulation, it's like talking yourself out of buying an outfit that you know looks smashing on you just because it's a tad uncomfortable. Over time, you will either forget about his petty shortcomings, or you will find constructive, non-painful ways to let him know they bother you. But you have no right to change these things, even if he lets you.
There's only two situations in which you need to distrust your attraction to someone: a.)When you know that the man you are enormously attracted to has major malfunctions such as drug use, history of domestic violence, alcoholism, gambling addiction, is married, etc. Do not trust your attraction to these men, or once again you may find yourself trying to change a man, but this time in order to save your life. b.) When the man in question encourages, supports, and takes pleasure in your own vices. So he doesn't bitch about your pack-a-day smoking or tendency to get drunker than owl shit every time he takes you out. (Me!) Fine. But the man who encourages these behaviors is the wolf to your Red Riding Hood, and you must run away, or he will destroy you with his hunger. He has a hidden agenda, and if you look closely, you'll see his teeth.
Finally, my husband puts me on a pedestal, and I deserve it. Not 24/7, but almost always. You must build up his self-esteem without kissing his arse. You have to be willing to do things for him that other women would consider it beneath themselves to do. Go out of your way to be non-aggressive, and it will cause him to feel protective of you, make him want to care for you, on his own without your forcing him. Men love to know that they are needed for more than their money or what they own.
I can tell my husband loves it when I can't reach something in the top cabinets. (I'm only 4ft 11.) I can tell he loves it when I try to do something on my own and end up needing his help. (Like the time I was trying to give my son a haircut and ended up making the poor kid look like Quasimodo. Chris took over and somehow fixed it.) I honestly think that it turns a guy on when he knows you have enough confidence in him to ask for his help, advice, etc. Just don't play dumb or fake helplessness. Men are not stupid and will see this as a lie. I am going out on a limb here saying these things, because some dude could get on the posts there and completely disagree. I believe what I am saying.
Try to play up your feminine qualities and downplay your masculine ones. I save my very considerable cruelty and aggression for dealing with work situations. No matter how well you kick ass, you cannot bring that into your home or dating situation. I just don't get it- a girl goes to extremes to emphasize all her female physical parts (boobs, skin, lips, hair, legs, etc.) then acts even more aggressive than the men they are trying to attract.This type of girl is like a Waterford crystal goblet with a greasy turd in it.
Admire any and all traditionally male qualities you see in him. Lots of guys these days have gotten weeniefied, and that's because of all the chicks out there trying to force them to be more "sensitive". Display any and all traditionally female qualities you have. (Not the traditionally bad ones such as crying too much and screeching at spiders.) It's so damn logical: Opposites attract, and you can't get much more opposite than a real man and a real woman.
I'm far from perfect, and I still say and do mean things to my man. Remember the crown I told you guys to run away from? Well sometimes even I wear it. The difference is that I have taught myself to recognize it's gaudy reflection in his eyes, and how to take it off without feeling slighted.
Here's a specific example: Yesterday I'm riding in the car with Chris (hubby), going around paying some bills. Normally, I go around and do this myself, but for whatever reason, he felt like driving me. I was happy not to have to drive. So he turns down a street I don't usually take to get to the place. If I were wearing my crown at the moment, I would have said in a bitchy, annoying tone, "Where are you going? We're paying the utility bill, right?" This would have implied that I thought he didn't know where he was going, didn't trust him to do something as simple as get us to the place. So I just didn't say anything, and of course we got there just fine. I don't think women realize how things like this make it seem we have no confidence in him, or think he's incompetent or something.
Anyway, I've got plenty more to say, but I know my posts are extremely long, so I will let you go for now.
Regards,
Ferretnose
User Reviews
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-05 10:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Abolutley brilliant. Shall be doing a relationship post(s) my self and shall link this. Lucky for me my girlfriend said something like this to me last night, woo hoo for wise women.
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-12-05 09:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love ferrets. And I think you're my new hero.
Yeah, it's over a year after you've written this. Don't care, just needed to say that this was awesomely truthful and insightful.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-22 18:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a genius
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd vote for you
Submitted by nuffsaid (user info) at 2004-07-08 15:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you, for the truth.
Submitted by Wes <djwesallen.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-08 15:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank You.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-02 12:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woot. After reading nomarriage.com I thought there'd be no way I'd marry a western woman, but if opinions like this will make a come back, hey, maybe there's hope yet
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" can tell he loves it when I try to do something on my own and end up needing his help. (Like the time I was trying to give my son a haircut and ended up making the poor kid look like Quasimodo. Chris took over and somehow fixed it.) I honestly think that it turns a guy on when he knows you have enough confidence in him to ask for his help, advice, etc. Just don't play dumb or fake helplessness. Men are not stupid and will see this as a lie. I am going out on a limb here saying these things, because some dude could get on the posts there and completely disagree. I believe what I am saying. "
Perfect... my BF of 8yrs just told me this the other day..... If you had done this post a week ago, I would have known it before.... oh well.
Submitted by UberWeiss (user info) at 2004-06-29 07:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for another great post
+50 for "drunker than owl shit"
+100 for "is like a Waterford crystal goblet with a greasy turd in it"
rack 'em and stack 'em, she's point-for-point the best interesting read today.
The truth hurts ladies - "Like masturbating with a cheesegrater - slightly interesting, but mostly painful" - Ford Fairlane, Rock 'n Roll Detective
UW
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-06-29 05:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a talented lady. hope the book goes well, if thats what you are trying to achieve.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-26 23:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-06-26 11:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great tool. Really.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-26 10:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-26 01:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THanks for the reply ferretnose, good point.
Submitted by SoxSexSax (user info) at 2004-06-26 00:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a plan:
You leave Chris.
I leave my wife.
We get it on.
Whaddya'say?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-26 00:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-25 23:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this breakdown. But before any of the guys get on a rant start bitching about how this lady makes us sound weak, lets be honest, what she says is true and if you can't deal with facing the shortcomings of your own sex you are truely weak.
We are all human we need our opposite sexes to define us. And no one should forget that the ideas contained in this piece hold true for the way that men treat women. Love and respect go both ways.
That said I'd like your opinion on this piece ferretnose: http://www.ubersite.com/m/35160.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-25 22:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really, really useful. You know when you read something and don't realise that you're nodding until halfway through? Yeah.
Thank you for putting all those niggly little things I don't like about myself as a girlfriend/fiancé/lover into words.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-06-25 22:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops. Sorry about the pic size.