When a Friend Has A Problem With Drinking (884 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.08 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brad <electrictoothsyndrome.at.msn.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-25 22:45:46 EDT
So, I went to this bar last night where I met up with some of my co-workers from cubicle hell. Scott, who is also my good friend, was already there and had a massive head start on me, as did most everyone else. When I say that Scott was 'ahead' of me, that means his breath already reeked of puke and his knees were stained with gellatinous piss from the less than tidy restroom floor, but he seemed happy, so I figured I'd hold off on having that "Scott, I don't like what you're doing to yourself" conversation...besides, I was here to get fucking wasted, not babysit some lightweight just because he's my friend. (Before I waste my time trying to make someone else's world a little better I have to first consider the age-old question, "what's in it for me?")
Anyway, as the night wore on, it became apparent that Scott couldn't hack it and wanted to go home. What might have given us that impression was the fact that he said, "hey, man, I can hack this anymore; I want to go home."
"After this beer, this cigarette, and this game of pool, I'll take you." said I.
"I must go now, lest I vomit again in this vulgar place and risk getting syphillus from the toiletries." said he. (ok, I am sort of paraphrasing here....What can I say? I was drunk!)
At any rate, he eventually made his meandering way to his vehicle to await our departure....and to do more dry-heaving, I assume.....
Three hours, 25 beers, and 8 billiard games later, I decide I had better take my good friend home, because he's feeling bad and really has a drinking problem we need to discuss, not to mention his total lack of consideration for his friends. I arrive at my friend's car only to find that it is blocked in my a dinky, dime-sized, waste-of-metal excuse for a vehicle - The Kia Sportage.
"Oh fuck." I thought to myself as I calmy pondered the best way to remove the car from behind it's Kia imprisonment. Then the only logical option presented itself to me...lift the Kia like Arnold Swarzenegger (I can't be held responsible for mis-spelling a name made up by those stupid Prussians) in the movie "Twins" and gently place it out of harm's way (AKA- mine.)
Just then I get plan "B". Plan "B" involves hijacking a tow truck and pretending to be 'ethnic', which would have worked, but I didn't have a towel and I left my fez and toga at home. Then there were plans "C-Q", all of which were far too advanced and genius for any of you to possibly understand and even more difficult for me to explain...None of these plans were any good, however, because I couldn't find any way of getting strippers and midgets into them.
At this point I decide to give up and go back inside and enjoy yet more beer (I have to find some way to muster up the courage to talk to my friend about his problem and the Kia is still haunting, nay, taunting me with it's puniness.) Then I turn to the alcoholic next to me - "Do you own a Kia Sportage?"
"No." he said. "Why?"
"Would you like to help me move one?"
"OK."
Now my plan had encouragement...which is a dangerous thing for one of my plans to have...
So my exoskeletal hippy friend and I set out for other recruits..."Do you want to help us move a Kia Sportage?" I ask one gentleman.
"No, but I think that guy over there drives one. Ask him."
Now, I only weigh 145lbs. which is not much - I don't know what that is in metric for you stubborn people in the rest of the world - but this guy he's pointing toward is little as HELL!!! I am thinking to myself, "how is this guy gonna lift anything...and how does his driving one relate to the lifting of one??? - STUPID!" Besides, we already had 7 guys willing to help which should be enough, I though.
After successfully moving the rear end of the Sportage over about 2 feet, now it was onto the engine-laden front. The seven of us heaved and heaved on the front of that Sportage for about 15 minutes before someone noticed that we could simply move the concrete wheel-stopper in front of my friend's car and drive it forward, which was actually plan M, but had been rejected earlier because I didn't have any latex gloves...but now seemed like an 'ok' plan even without the gloves.
So after successfully moving the concrete barrier, the only thing left to do was repay the valiant efforts of my Kia-moving brothers with a beer. I don't know what happened to Scott, because when I came back out an hour later, his car was gone. Ungrateful________!!!
He didn't make it into work today. Apparently his grandmother had a heart attack this morning. She probably found out about her grandson's drinking problem. Boy, is he gonna feel bad when he hears about all the shit I went through for his ass!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-18 23:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stand back, this is only a test.
Submitted by HawkeyesTheGAME (user info) at 2004-10-23 19:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 19:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am not a dentist.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are so ugly you looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 20:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was a very creative story.
Submitted by vengeance (user info) at 2004-08-13 22:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:38:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hope this is what you wanted!
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Mr. Spam man, bring some spam. My nane is electrictoothsyndrome, and I'm like the 20th to spam Fetish this month, ain't I cool?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-12 19:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-12 15:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 14:48:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
Last I checked, you have a lot more posts than I do, so I think it might hurt you a little more. Also, do your ratings even count?
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 14:45:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
BTW, this can go on as long as you want it to.
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-12 14:44:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
You should be boiled alive. This snake should be ashamed of you.
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Bring it bitch!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-26 20:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The car picture is for illustration purposes only....if it made you smile then I suggest you go outside sometime. There are cars everywhere. Perhaps if it were the real thing, you'd just drop dead from elation...Next time read the post, don't just look at the pictures - that's why they publish Playboy.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-26 19:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for a car picture...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, thanks anyway. It's hard even getting hits on a fucking Saturday that is this beautiful - forget about positive reviews...stop reading and go outside people!!!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucknuts.
+2 because the page stalled and I posted again, which apparently made two of them.
And no, I don't know why that calls for a +2. It just does.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, your friends have serious drinking problems.
But see, I learned something from pledging into a fraternity last semester. when you're the one doing the drinking, it's not a drinking problem.
It's a drinking solution!
"Work is the scourge of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde
(I think I once saw that somewhere... heaven knows where)
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, your friends have serious drinking problems.
But see, I learned something from pledging into a fraternity last semester. when you're the one doing the drinking, it's not a drinking problem.
It's a drinking solution!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, i'll try this again. How does what ou just said apply in the least to what is written above...maybe you know somethin i don't? ...not likely :0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-26 02:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Hire the handicapped, it's fun to watch 'em.
Submitted by Alfa_Veloce (user info) at 2004-06-25 22:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm giving you a plus one because I suspect you were still a little intoxicated while writing the first half. But other than that It was quite entertaining.