This Proved to be a Mistake... (1235 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.76 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2004-06-26 20:18:40 EDT
The first tale from Cuba: http://www.ubersite.com/m/35869
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Being a pasty-skinned redhead, the Cuban sun was my sworn enemy. I couldn't leave the house without slathering on factor sixty sunblock from head to toe.
Now I don't know about you, but when I'm already hot and sticky the last thing I want to do is multiply that feeling by applying something with the consistency of lard to my entire surface. After about three weeks of this twice daily ritual of lard horror, I'd had enough. Recessive genes or not, I was clearly too cool for this shit. And so I stopped putting it on.
This proved to be a mistake.
My boyfriend Frank and I had decided to take a trip down to a waterfall at the bottom of some sort of rainforest gully. It took us a good hour and a half to pick our way down the rudimentary path, stopping occasionally to tentatively poke a lizard or peer in terror at the sheer drop to the left of us.
After we'd spent more than enough time at the bottom, oohing and aahing at the wonders of water and gravity, it was time to set off home. Back up the mountain. This is where it started going wrong.
Given that my idea of regular exercise is emptying an ashtray, I had considerable difficulty scaling what now seemed to be a near vertical slope. I believe I hit the greatest depth of shame when I tried to leap athletically over a fallen branch, only to bounce my head off a tree trunk and have to be revived with Frank's asthma medicine.
We were about a third of the way up when I started feeling as rough as ten bears. My peripheral vision was shot, my legs shaky and an unpleasant foamy crust had started to form at the corners of my mouth. I'd been out all day, my only protection from the Caribbean sun being a small vest and my Roger Moore action slacks.
A glance down at my arm confirmed my worst fears. I was burnt. Not just burnt, but BURNT. This was not the rosy glow that smacks of health and wholesome outdoor pursuits - I was on the verge of turning purple.
"I think I have to sit down," I mumbled, approximately three seconds before my knees gave way and my arse hit the floor with a thud. My memory of ensuing events is vague, but after a few rudimentary dry heaves we reached the consensus that I was dehydrated. I needed rest, I needed shade, but most of all I needed water.
And we didn't have any. Now I know what you're asking yourself - what kind of moron sets off into the jungle with neither sunblock nor water?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
It was looking bleak. We hadn't seen anyone else on the trail and measuring the exact distance between the sun and the horizon confirmed that we were in The Middle Of Fucking Nowhere.
Frank parked me under a tree, kissed the top of my head and sprinted off up the mountain in search of civilisation. And I mean sprinted. He had the entire body weight of a polystyrene cup but it was still impressive to see someone scale such a steep gradient at speed. Somewhere a bird was chirping out the Superman theme.
God knows how long I sat there, but after what I guess was an hour I felt well enough to start trudging on. And by 'well enough' I mean 'marginally less shit'. I forced myself upright and started a slow, wobbly ascent.
I climbed and climbed and climbed, fully expecting to bump into frank at every twist in the path. Eventually the slope started to slacken off and I could see a clearing up ahead. A figure swam into view. Thank god, there he was, no doubt laden with sweet sweet water.
Only it wasn't frank. It was an elderly Cuban man, blessed with a face as wrinkled as an elephant's scrotum. Judging by his general demeanour, he'd last come into contact with humans in the winter of fifty-six. Its ok, I thought, this man can help me.
I mentally flicked through my stockpile of 'useful Spanish phrases'. Its worth noting at this point that I had actually made a concerted effort to learn Spanish before leaving the UK. And by 'made a concerted effort' I mean 'plyed the 16 year old glass collector at my local pub with alcohol in return for a half an hour lesson'. She was doing Spanish GCSE and I figured her meagre offerings would tide me over until I arrived in Havana, at which point I planned to absorb the language instantly via the gift of cultural osmosis.
As I approached the man it became clear that this plan had been tragically flawed.
If we had spent more time on the Spanish part of the lesson and less time on the drinking vodka stage, perhaps I would have been able to ask for some water, get medical assistance, just get some fucking help. As it was, there were three things I could say:
1)My name is Katherine and I like to drink beer!
2)Give me your money and back away slowly
3)Can I steal your car?
Jesus fucking Christ. That glass collecting bitch. I offered a tentative "Ola" and he responded with what I suspect was "Damn, you look like shit."
He sat me down and produced a flask from his pocket. At that moment, I would have married him. I was now skirting the edges of delirium and loudly proclaimed my love for this man and his watery medicine. Thank god he didn't speak English. I accepted the flask with an eager smile and took a good long swig.
It was at this moment that I came to understand the true definition of refreshment. I savoured the cool crisp water running over my parched tongue for a good minute before I noticed it tasted unusual. In fact, it tasted suspiciously like rum.
I was dying and he'd given me alcohol. I didn't know whether to hit him or shake him by the hand. I handed the flask back and as my alcoholic friend sat down by my side I tried to convince myself that any moment frank would come sprinting into the clearing to rescue me.
Any moment now.
And so we sat. The language barrier prevented meaningful social intercourse but my new found friend relieved the tension by regularly pointing at a pig and chuckling.
For two fucking hours.
Even if the antics of pigs were an untapped comedy goldmine (they aren't), thirty minutes would have sufficed. But he was company, and his frequent "Look, a funny pig!" hand gestures brought me a strange sense of comfort.
Still no frank. I'd moved from 'concerned' to 'seriously worried' and was approaching 'PANIC!' when he rounded the corner, looking like he'd just run a marathon without the aid of his feet.
I'd expected an emotional reunion. What I did not expect was for the emotion to be anger.
"WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!"
The smile disappeared from my face. Wasn't he glad to see me? I tried to explain about the climb and the man and the rum and the pig but all that came out was strange gurgling sound.
He continued the tirade in his native Dutch, but I managed to pick out the words "FUCKING IDIOT" and "THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD". The poor bastard had returned to the spot where he'd left me only to find me missing. After an anxious ten minutes scouring the drop for signs of a body, he'd convinced himself that he must have left me further down than he'd thought.
And so he'd run to the bottom. Still no girlfriend. While I was drinking rum with a elderly man and his pig, Frank had been sprinting up the mountain for the second time that day, desperately trying to remember the Spanish for 'airborne search party'.
Needless to say we didn't speak on the way to the hospital.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-17 14:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again...what the FUCK were you doing in Cuba!? That's almost a Darwin Award in and of itself. :P
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sunburn. ouch. I remember in Zante on the first fucking day I decided I didn't need suntan lotion. I'm a man, I'm hard, fuck it. For the remaining 6 days of the holiday I had to lie on my back rubbing aftersun over my crispy exoskeleton whilst every other fucker went outside and had considerably more fun than me. All I could do was scare off the latino housemaids with my seething skin and warbled cries of pain. Never again. Be proud to be pasty!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-07-24 14:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-06-30 00:56:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
How is your user named pronounced, <>?
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Like a phlegmy cough. You, however, may refer to me as Filthy.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-06-30 00:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How is your user named pronounced, <>?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-28 17:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-06-27 14:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And one more because I loved your writing
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-06-27 14:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-27 12:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like feeling marginally less like shit as well.
good story.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-06-27 10:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gonna +1 this but I changed my mind after this..
"Now I know what you're asking yourself - what kind of moron sets off into the jungle with neither sunblock nor water?"
"Hi. Nice to meet you."
Genius.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-27 10:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-27 09:53:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Heheh. I'd have more use for "Your mother fucks dogs" than i've got for my one french phrase: "During my holiday i hope to buy some socks". Hoorah for the rubbishly multilingual!
______________________________
Thing is, he was supposed to be teaching me to say 'How are you?'
When I announced to his mother on the phone that I am, indeed, a guinea pig who fucks dogs like my greengrocer mother, he found it highly amusing.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-06-27 09:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
English people really know how to use the English language.
I'm convinced, America is like Sesame Street in comparison.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-27 09:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:05:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.. my partner is Dutch, too. As a result of this, I can speak Dutch in pretty much the same way you can speak Spanish. I can say "I am a greengrocer", "Your mother fucks dogs", and "I am a guinea pig."
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Heheh. I'd have more use for "Your mother fucks dogs" than i've got for my one french phrase: "During my holiday i hope to buy some socks". Hoorah for the rubbishly multilingual!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-06-27 07:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What avals said.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.. my partner is Dutch, too. As a result of this, I can speak Dutch in pretty much the same way you can speak Spanish. I can say "I am a greengrocer", "Your mother fucks dogs", and "I am a guinea pig."
Really funny post, by the way.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-27 01:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poor boyfriend. I would have given up and gone home.
Jesus... I figure you owe the boy a BJ at the very least.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-06-27 00:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-27 00:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
141 hits and only 10 reviews? Man, nobody likes reading the long ones do they...
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-26 22:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And we didn't have any. Now I know what you're asking yourself - what kind of moron sets off into the jungle with neither sunblock nor water?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
***********************
Sorry, I'm laughing too hard to think of anything meaningful to say
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-26 22:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
i believe "ayudame" means help me
bet you had a great tan a week later
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-26 22:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
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Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus!!
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Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that was fucking funny! Well written, witty, I can't say enough.
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At the risk of sounding ungrateful, are you feeling alright? It wasn't that good.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus!!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that was fucking funny! Well written, witty, I can't say enough.
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very interesting and somewhat humorous but ended prematurely.
Because you are an English redhead and I have an eternal weakness for them
and I'm guessing you are cute like Kelly Reilly <http://www.kellyreilly.com/pictures.htm>
I'm giving this a +1.
P.S. Your boyfriend is a bitch. I would have stolen/carjacked the nearest source
of transportion in order to bring you Evian water...again because you are a redhead.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-26 20:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least the rum was probably pretty good.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-26 20:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, pigs are funny.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-26 20:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment