James Bond visits Hy-Vee (577 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.5 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geodescent (View user info) at 2004-06-26 21:29:10 EDT
BACKGROUND: Hy-Vee is a chain of grocery stores in the midwest part of the US that actually grows so much corn that it scares the shit out of you to drive at night after watching Signs. But enough about that. Des Moines in particular is the small city in the middle of Iowa that features a hearty selection of what you might consider upper-class folk if you had spent the last 7 months sucking Ramen down waiting in vain for a graduation found at the bottom of a beer bong... or just a bong for that matter.
This really did happen and took place in West Des Moines, which, if you've ever been, does not strike one as the sort of city where you would routinely come across filthy bums exported from Detroit, but I digress and we begin...
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Okay, *laughes a bit* Joe and I were in Hy-Vee waiting to buy some Bacardi, lemonade, and pizza. In front of us in the line is a guy so tanned that you'd swear he was fresh off the grill. He was claiming to everybody within a 50 foot radius of us that he was from California and was "Bond, James Bond!!!". People were just frozen in place and had no clue what the hell to think of this guy.
Also, he had the most ragged long greasy black hair and had some CD player headphone on, jamming away like it was Metallica's last tour ever, or Cher's, depending on your sexuality. He also sported a hat complete with a still-attached price tag sticker.
I swear this dude was on drugs, cause his eyes were fucked and he was just twisted sister.
So the cashier girl rings up his only purchase, a 20oz Bud, of course. When she gives him the total, a paltry $1.74, and I swear this is straight from some movie, he jams his hand into his pocket and carefully produces some lint, maybe 45 cents in assorted change, and a piece of bubble gum. Add to that a stupid "i didn't know i was a broke ass joke" look and you can gather the humor of the situation.
He then checks his wallet, which does have a piece of paper in it, but it ain't green. Strangely enough, he's gotten it into his head that this piece of paper is valid money, and he half-heartedly thrusts it towards the cashier, who tries not to crack up.
After he hits Joe up for 50 cents, he offers it to the girl, who takes it and proceeds to explain to him that it's still not enough money. The manager, who's been suspiciously eying this guy since this started does the same after a couple spoutings of "please hook me up", "i have gum" and "i am bond, JAMES BOND!"
Finally after my pizza has fully thawed, the manager decides that the guy has alreay had enough to "drink." Personally, I don't think the guy was drinking. I think it was the cocaine. No self-respecting drunk jams to some tunes and proclaims to be 007 in a Hy-fucking-Vee. Complete air-guitar, mind you.
Finally the guy leaves and the girl rings Joe up for Bacardi and cards him. Joe asks the girl if she carded the guy, because why the hell would you card Joe if you didn't card the guy, but it turns out she did card the guy a while back. At this point I'm assuming that he's been there for about 10 minutes prior to our arrival in the line and that he'll come back inside with a fully-loaded baretta.
Oddly, he DOES come back, but with some more money. More hilarity ensues as the manager and the girl both tell him that even with enough money, they cannot sell him the beer.
I get my food rung up and squeeze past the guy while he and them argue. Luckily, no hostage situation erupts.
To top it all off, when we leave the Hy-Vee, I notice the guy leave and head for the middle of the parking lot, in the direction of the West Des Moines mall, clearly away from where my car is, thank GOD.
However, when Joe and I pull out and are going to turn left to head towards University Ave, who the fuck shows up walking between my car and another car?
Clearly over 75 feet from where he was a few minutes ago! He waltzes right out into traffic as I drive off, as though intersections and speeding metal vehicles have no effect on the one, the only, Bond. James Bond.
User Reviews
Submitted by Confuzius (user info) at 2004-06-27 01:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry dude, -1 for not buying James Bond his beer, it was funny enough not to get a -2 though if that's any consolation.
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-06-26 22:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I moved to Texas because I favor rednecks to ... well... rednecks.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-26 21:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Des Moines? No shit?
Iowans are invading Uber.