My first short story (560 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.87 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <tr4ppedunderice.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-27 02:19:19 EDT
Let me tell you a story of a time once forgotten. A land far too close , far to close to home. A time before skyscrapers stood amongst us. A time where the simple things in life were not so simple, where even a simple walk was quite adventurous or even Forbidden. The story of a young man named William. Prime of age and thought, he took off for a new life away from his home. With his family taken away by the Gilbbecha Virus, a rabid-like disease that spread from South America by a Mosquito, he set to find new land, new work and maybe even a wife. Before he could do this he had to travel through the forest of Naglianin. Comparable to the modern day Bermuda Triangle, many have gone in but have yet to come out.With enough dry bread and Water at hand, the day had a good start. William full of energy and through his mourning set off on a journey that would change his life. Before getting to the Forest of Naglianin , he had to cross three towns and through the two week journey across the towns he heard many stories of the Forest. All were none to laugh at. The many stories made William think twice of his choice but he overcome his fear and decided to be a man about it even after hearing a story about a man's head found just outside the forest after he went to look for some firewood.William Stood strong even though bad thoughts brewed inside. He took his first step inside when he heard something in the bushes , he turned his head quickly only to find a dumbass squirrel. What a douche right? Anyway , Willy, can I call him Willy , there really is no need for the whole friggin' name right! Willy sighed and laugh, this actually relieved him a bit. He walked for hours , No sight of any abnormal beings. Everything was fine until dusk, Weird sounds echoed through the trees. An evil whistle if you may. Along his way he made his first ghastly discovery, a body with a dented forehead. As if a rock hit him. Trembling with fear he pulled out his knife and ran to find an end to this Forest. He ran for hours, the running turned to jogging and the Jogging to walking. He saw at least 15 bodies with the same dents in the foreheads. Hold on a sec, I'm going to fill my cup with water.Ok back. After three days of fear, The walk ended. He saw a bright light, like the gates of Heaven were ahead. Eager to tell his story of the many bodies when out of nowhere as he headed out of the woods to the open land BAMMMM! He got a severe teabagging, it was a Grizzly bear with an enormous beanbag who took advantage of his huge nads. Willy almost made it out. Up until then no one even came close to escaping the forest of Naglianin. About 20 years later villagers not too far from Willy's body found this bear and his sack. They cut off his massive balls and they are now known as Jupiter and Saturn. Some say his teabag floats around looking for a victim.
User Reviews
Submitted by tr4ppedunderice <tr4ppedunderice.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-28 03:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you fucken losers mongloids, you actually rated it like i was serious. Its a joke you fucken queers.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-27 18:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Let me tell you a story of a time once forgotten. A land far too close , far to close to home. A time before skyscrapers stood amongst us. A time where the simple things in life were not so simple, where even a simple walk was quite adventurous or even Forbidden."
I assume you're taking the piss, but in case you aren't:
Look how weak the beginning of this is. A short story demands that you do a lot in a small space and you've just wasted four sentences saying nothing at all. Its sloppy and confused - anyone who makes it past that first section has the patience of....well....a very patient thing. You could have vomited on a piece of paper and it would have been more interesting than this.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-27 18:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ummm.. i lost interest, skimmed down a bit, then read about teabagging. that's about all
i got out of this. use paragraphs please.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-27 15:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.
But keep trying.
Submitted by cock_whistle (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This could have done with more love!!! When you share, your love joins us too!! Why leave to drink water while sharing love?? Fanks guys, still smilling
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Lack of paragraphs aside, this could have been better.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My eyes are bleeding. Use paragraphs, assmaster.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-06-27 02:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment