Batman (1230 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by squattail (View user info) at 2004-06-27 08:47:14 EDT
Batman has enjoyed a relatively successful run as a superhero. Until now. That's right, the buck stops here with hardline reporter Dwayne C. Pendleton asking the big questions about Batman. Questions like "is Batman gay?" and "should we kill him?"
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Batman
As a whole, we humans have become fairly comfortable with the notion that to be a superhero you need to have superpowers. So what is Batman's deal? He's just a guy with a cape. He thinks he can make up for this with an array of gadgets, most of which are common household tools. And they're supposed to intimidate his enemies somehow. I'm sorry, but this is 2003; we have supervillians like Kraang, who owns his own dimension; we can't be embarassed by newbie superheroes who don't even have any powers. You're in the big league now, Batman. And we no longer have any need for Fisher-Price "super" heroes such as yourself. So move along, you stray dog.
In order to become a superhero you have to either be bitten by a freako animal, fall into a bucket of radioactive goo, or come from the planet Krypton. Batman fits none of these criteria. He is just some guy who dressed up in a skin tight rubber suit when his parents died. Does the word psycho mean anything to you? This is a really healthy image for our kids: a psychotic vigilante with a rubber fetish. Yeah, let's teach our kids how nice it is for adults to dress in sexually ambiguous dungeon wear while frollicking with small boys. That's a great plan.
Batman has a lair. Sure he calls it the 'batcave', but if you ever take a close look you'll see it is a lair. Superheroes don't need lairs. Smugglers need lairs. Pedophiles need lairs. This revelation makes me suspect Batman has something to hide. What does he use this lair for? We're led to believe that it's little more than a garage for the batmobile, but could this lair hide a more sinister purpose? I strongly believe Adam West's performance in the Batman TV series is proof that Batman is a homosexual man. Coupled with the lair factor, this confirms beyond a doubt that Batman may allegedly be the Grand Red Dragon of an international pedophile ring.
If you want evidence, just look at Robin. Robin is obviously a secret love slave. Batman purchased Robin at a Cambodian sex zoo during his turbulent "early years." As far as I can tell, Robin serves no actual purpose. Think about it, what does this small bird actually do? There's no chance of anyone bothering to go check, so it's safe for me to scientifically conclude that he does nothing at all. This guy exists solely for the secret pleasure of his almighty bat lord.
When you boil it down, Batman is just a sadistic loser who decided to save the world by dressing up in rubber and frollicking around in a cave with a small boy. All the other superheroes had powers thrust upon them, forcing them to take on the responsibility of saving the world. Batman just said "yeah I think I'm gonna become a superhero now." I'm sorry Batman, but normally when your parents get murdered you cry for a while and then open up a charity fund or something. You don't put on a rubber suit and pretend to be a bat.
Batman's enemies aren't even supervillians. Check out the Penguin, first of all. I'm sorry, but is this squawking bed of disease supposed to pose some type of threat? What is he going to do? Waddle me to death? And The Riddler, what exactly is this chump's major malfunction? The guy's main offensive weapon is insane laughter followed by the telling of a riddle. He tells his enemies a riddle - give me a freaking break. If Batman ever fought a real opponent, he'd get stomped into the turf. You think Batman is gonna walk away from a tussle with the Incredible Hulk? Get the hell out of here.
If Batman was poor, he would be useless. His amazing enemy-defeating weapon is nothing more than a credit card. What a wimp. This guy relies on a million dollar belt to kill his enemies; it is his total plan for success; it is his only power. If Batman wrote a book on "becoming super", it would consist of schematic plans detailing how to apply for a credit card. Batman is a fool. The chump is lucky he's a comic book character, because if he lived in reality the NASDAQ crash would have ruined his corporate empire. And there'd be no more butler, no more batmobile, no more precious man-boy love. It'd be all over for Batman.
If there was ever a superhero conference it would rule because Batman would be banned. He'd turn up with Robin and be halted at the entrance by an old butler. "I'm here for the conference," Batman would say. "Have you got any powers, sir?" the butler would reply. Batman would then argue that his rubber dungeon belt qualified as a superpower. This curious little speech would soon be halted by an excessive flurry of pulverising blows to the skull from the Incredible Hulk and/or Baxter the Fly.
© 2004 SQUATTAIL Industries COPYRIGHT
User Reviews
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-02-03 19:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another one of squattail's greatests!!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-07-07 21:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-27 17:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ouch. I feel uberwarfare coming on here...
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-27 15:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Batman is indeed 1337.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-27 14:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
batman has cool toys though
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-06-27 14:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was some funny shit right there.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-27 12:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:56:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you didn't write this and because I fucking hate you, you lousy excuse for an intelligent life form.
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This is the only poster that I rate the poster, and not the post.
Plagiarism deserves a -2 anyways, though.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-06-27 11:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Squatty!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-06-27 11:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-27 10:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahaha!!! We should all make a plan and each post one of his articles just to make him Shriek Like A Berserker! If we all band together we can be responsible for driving him medically insane!
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-06-27 09:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Jewtoast <Jewtoast.at.HarvardLaw.edu> at 2004-06-27 09:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If by chance, this halfwit tries to sue you, I will represent you pro bono and dance all over his rotting corpse in the courtroom.
Oh, 'twill be a glorious day, indeed.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure fucking awesomeness rolled up in a ball and shoved up baboon's inflamed red ass
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Post. Ever.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you didn't write this and because I fucking hate you, you lousy excuse for an intelligent life form.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another, I'm still laughing.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jolly good show, ol chap
He's gonna have a fucking conniption.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. Fucking. God. What about the WIPO TREATY YOU FEINDISH BASTARDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
THE FUCKING PROLETARIATS ARE GOING TO KILL ME JUST FOR READING THIS POST SQUATTAIL!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-06-27 08:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Ive been considering plagiarizing his shit just to piss him off as well. just too lazy