How Did I Not Get Arrested? (1114 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.91 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Durae (View user info) at 2004-06-28 00:44:53 EDT
I've been pulled over twice in the past month because I drive like a lazy fucktard. The first one this month was because I ran an invisible stop sign. I'm still convinced I didn't do it. I hope I don't forget to pay that fine. Anyway, the second time this month happened last night.
I was pulled over at about 1:30am and I had been drinking since 5pm. It was a work-related party an hour away from where I live and by the way, Yuengling doesn't taste very good from a keg. The typical thoughts ran through my head when I saw the red lights flashing in my rear view mirror: Is he pulling me over? What the fuck did I do now? Am I as sober as I think I am? Act sober, act sober, act sober! I repeated this mantra until the adrenaline cleared my brain. First dumbass move: didn't shut my car off when I pulled over. Isn't that standard procedure? I forgot. I think he thought I was gonna peel out because he didn't approach my car for a few minutes.
Ocifer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I have absolutely no idea actually.
Ocifer: You had your left turn signal on in the left turn only lane and then you went straight.
Me: Oh. (The road veered to the left damnit!) I don't know my way around Cazenovia at all. **I show him my printed out mapquest directions**
Him: Do you know where you are?
Me: Oh yeah, I'm in Manlius. Sorry.
Ossifer: License and registration please.
Me: Uhh, I don't know where the registration is, this isn't my car.
Ossifer: Most people keep it in the glove compartment.
** I fumble around trying to open the damn glove compartment and pull out a bunch of random booklets including a fishing license, and hand them out the window to the cop**
Me: Do any of these look like the registration?
Him: Uhh, no. Just give me your license. Who's car is this?
Me: My dad's.
He takes the license and tells me to sit tight. Comes back and starts shining his flashlight in the backseat of my car. He spies a random paper grocery bag in the back and goes to the other side of the car to investigate further. He asks me through the passenger side window:
How old are you?
Me: I'm twenty. (Didn't he just have my license for ten minutes?)
Him: Then what's this Smirnoff Ice doing in the backseat of your car?
Me: (Oh shit, I forgot that was there, fuckin damnit) I don't know, this is my dad's car. I borrowed it because mine broke down.
Him: Are any of these open?
Me: Not that I know of.
**He pulls it out, sees they're not open, because they're the leftovers from my party a few weekends ago...**
Him: Have you been drinking tonight?
Me: Of course not, I'm not of age.
Him: *chuckle* Well, I have to ask. Do you have any illegal substances in your vehicle?
Me: No, definitely not. (Said with emphasis because I actually don't smoke weed. Very often.)
He comes back around to the other side and tells me to open up my eyes really wide. I couldn't figure out how to make my face do that at first and I contemplate how many beers I've had. He makes me follow his finger with my eyes, forcing me to concentrate on that finger like my life depends on it. He makes me look straight ahead to shine the light at my eyes and I try not to look glazed over. Then he asks me if I smoke, and relieved, I confess that I smoke quite a lot actually. So he backs down. I guess he thought I was stoned? I do kind of talk like a stoner sometimes and I was definitely acting stupid.
I notice that he's more relaxed now and I wonder what is going on. Has he decided to give me a ticket or do the unthinkable and let me go? To me it's unthinkable because I've never had a cop not write me a ticket. I don't understand why, I mean, I have big boobs, I've tried the crying thing, I just don't know how to get out of tickets. I suck. He tells me that I'm free to go, but I should put that bag in my trunk so I don't get hassled about it next time. I say thankyou and ask him if I'm on the right road.
Then I drive off with the bag still in my backseat.
Random good karma that saved my ass, literally thirty feet before the intersection that I got pulled over from, I had stopped at a gas station to buy coffee. I spilled it all over myself, but aside from that I had taken a few sips already. If I hadn't, my breath would have reeked of beer.
How did I not get fucked in the ass with so many things working against me, first and foremost being my own stupidity?
User Reviews
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-29 03:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-05 01:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Durae, I want you to read this directly. I don't mean to be a kiss-up, but I love your work and I would like to ask you if you are going to write anything else. Your messages are true, to-the-point, and fun to read. So, please, are you going to write anymore messages?
Submitted by Big Al at 2004-07-04 01:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very humorous story indeed. Durae, you are quite the writer!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-07-04 00:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Oh yeah, I'm in Manlius. Sorry.
Funny
Submitted by Cjad_teh_Nord (user info) at 2004-07-04 00:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That cop was just messing with you, he has eyes in the back of your head.
It was an entertaining read.
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-07-04 00:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You asshole" Come on, now I'm getting you all steamed up. Don't get mad, I'm just a fan!
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-07-04 00:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, its very interesting! I love your work! C'mon, your comments are getting boring! Say somthing funny!
Submitted by Jerkface at 2004-07-04 00:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, its called "Fuck you, you asshole." You should read it.
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-07-03 23:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I said Jerkface, I'm a big fan. Keep up the great work! Do you have a book out?
Submitted by Phil Osophical (the real one) at 2004-07-03 23:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I love to watch monkeys throw life forms like shit. No, wait; I love to throw monkeys into shit..... Um life. Well, I tried my best to come back with a decent reply but I fucked it up worse then by boyfriend's anus. Please continue your posts because I have a deep need to communicate with someone. My mother locked me in the closet and said that I can't come out until the entire Green bay defensive line gets done with her. I am going to go and give myself an enema now. Fuck You!
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-07-03 23:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"How did I not get fucked in the ass with so many things working against me, first and foremost being my own stupidity?"
you werent a smart ass to him, thats how.
im sure he knew you had been drinking, just like he most likely did when he was under age.
he was confident you werent shitfaced, so he let you go.
there are cool cops out there.
Submitted by Cindys_Younger_Sister (user info) at 2004-07-03 23:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can't say I have never done those things, but c'omn... you know they aren't something to be proud of. You have to.
tell me you do.
Submitted by Phil Osophical (the real one) at 2004-07-03 23:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hows that for a laugh?" I find it very funny actually. I enjoy watching lower forms of life like you engage in pointless activities, it's like watching a monkey throw crap on the Animal channel. Keep up your posts!
Submitted by Phil is a homo at 2004-07-03 20:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Sure insult me but I'll only find it humorus and sad". Well you deserve to be insulted if you think somebody calling you an ass clown is funny. You are a dick spitting son-of-a circus freak. Hows that for a laugh.
Submitted by Phil Osophical (the real one) at 2004-07-03 20:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have a split personality. I am a newley liberated, same sex oriented, ass clown. I think that Durae writes terrible posts, and I would like to eat her little brother. Right after I get done painting his face with the blood of small innocent creatures......Fuck you!
Submitted by Phil Osophical (the real one) at 2004-07-03 20:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You do a horrible impersonation of me. You must lead a pathetic and pointless life in order sink so low as to act like this. Sure, insult me, but I'll only find it humorous and sad. As for you, Durae, Great job!
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-07-03 16:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
blah
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-07-03 16:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Durae, you are a complete idiot. Please disregard any encouragement that I have given you in the past. I just realized that I am a homosexual ass clown, and I am going to join the circus. Fuck you.
Submitted by Jerkface at 2004-07-03 15:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You up north living, alcoholic, drug addicted, shit-eating daughter of a cock monkey. Nobody wants to read posts from a woman, especially not from a twenty-year-old preschooler with a lack of creativity. This is how the story really went: "I was driving home from a party one night after I got kicked out for being ugly. I still smelled of pork chops and sausage, because my job at the slaughterhouse ran late and I had a few pounds of sirloin shoved in my rectum. I saw a stop sign, and because of my undying need to fit in with the cool kids, I pretended not to see it. Low and behold, I got pulled over by a police officer. When the officer approached the car, he reached out and smacked me twice for being retarded enough to drive drunk. I then proceeded to go home and get abused by the family dog." Stop writing posts and get a life.
Submitted by Phil Osophical at 2004-06-29 02:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alas, cops are unpredictable.... "Your own stupidity?" They say the dumber one thinks he/she is, the smarter he/she actually is.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-06-28 15:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound like fun.
Send me pictures of your bare breasts.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-28 06:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shennanigans. You showed him your boobs, didn't you?
Submitted by Omnivexed (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I maintain your gender had something to do with it, no way a cop would of let me get away
with suspicious driving without a strip search. Especially one with that cop mustache,
those are for the career cops that are hardcore. Girls always get away with stuff like
this, we need more horny female cops who let guys off of a ticket once in a while.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool story.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Siren - My friends asked me how I got home that night, because they knew I was at a party drinking. My reply was, well the cop thought I was sober enough to drive. They're kinda the experts aren't they?
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2004-06-28 00:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good stuff. even hearing that someone got away with that is an inspiration to me
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-06-28 00:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't totally retarded. However, I tend to hate posts that only have a tenth of the content because there was a person who was underaged, drinking, driving, gets pulled over, slurred speech...yadda yadda...It's not cool. That's just me.