How could you beat off at work? The Phantom Wanker strikes. (4777 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.54 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MrCoffee (View user info) at 2004-06-28 01:12:55 EDT
"Hmm, its a few hours after lunch, time to take a crap!"
it was this thought that put me in peril today, for our office has someone who goes by many names, some say myth, some say oh to real. some know him as the "Mystery Masturbator", to some it's "the man with the golden shoes". others simply "BATman"
I speak of course of our office's Phantom Wanker, and today i discovered his true identity.
Every bloke in the office has had it happen to them at some point; you walk in toward the office urinal, only to notice a pair of Tan coloured shoes in the middle cubicle, as the door's dont continue to the floor. (Always the middle cubicle, as nobody else uses it due to his myth) The thing about the shoes is that they are always pointing TOWARD the bowl. Now either this guy is very flexible, or he is standing up, facing the bowl while in a locked stall.
Suspect.
VERY suspect.
Now normaly, most guys will walk in, notice the shoes, take a slash in puzzlement and leave. but today i had to crap and crap bad. i made haste toward the shitters, burst in, noticed some BLACK shoes in the middle cubicle , thought nothing of them and sat down in an end cubicle.
Then i looked down.
The shoes in the stall next to me were black, sure but they were still pointing in the wrong direction.
oh shit.
Our office bathrooms dont have any pipe-music or anything. its just really really quiet so every single noise made in the tiled bathroom can be heard.
And there is was:
the un-mistakeable sound of someone beating off.
the kind of sound that makes you want to throw up.
It was fucking horrible, i was sitting there trying like hell to be a monk or something and zen my way into deafness rather than hear that fucking nasty noise but then he started flushing the toilet to try and mask the noises he was making, the problem was that when he flushed, he went even harder at it and made more noise than when he was trying to be subtle.
then, as i was contemplating running screaming from the bathroom and cutting off my ears with something blunt and rusty, He flushed again (4th time) and went to the sink. i couldnt help myself so i leaned forward and peered through the tiny gap between the toilet door and its frame to see who this sick fuck was.
I'd love to say i was surprised at who i saw but i wasnt. He sits about 3 meters away from me in the opposite desk to mine and is possibly the rudest asshole i have ever met in my life (big call i know, but i feel its valid).
Just knowing who the Phantom tosser's real identity is, is more a curse, than a blessing. When i told my work mates at lunch they all enjoyed the information and we had a good laugh at his sick-fuck antics becasue untill then, we'd all been suspects in eachothers eyes. however my days from this day onwards will be haunted with the knowledge becasue this is the guy that borrows my pens, uses my computer when i'm out of the office, leans on my desk with his jizz coated hands at least twice a day.
the next time he wants to borrow a pen, he can fucking KEEP it.
I'd best be off now, i need to burn my desk, mouse and all my stationary
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-05 18:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-28 04:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-28 08:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fucking horrible!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-06-28 08:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We had something like that where I used to work. Only the person was female, my boss, and thought nobody knew. It was horrible.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-06-28 06:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOBODY EVER EXPECTS...
THE PHANTOM WANKER!
+2 for an odd post.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-06-28 05:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why is it so hard to beat off sitting down?
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I have his number?
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-06-28 02:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stoned silly,
i didnt look in, i looked OUT of my cubucle as he walked past it.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, pure gold.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a sick bastard for looking in..
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've beaten off at work 3 or 4 times. No big deal.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-28 01:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This had potential, but the writing wasn't quite up to snuff.
And didn't you say he washed his hands after beating off? What's the problem with him borrowing your pens then?