Save yourselves, its too late for me. (1223 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.92 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Mritchytoyou.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-28 10:43:19 EDT
It started out so innocently.
Sure, it took me a little bit outside my comfort zone, but that was part of made it exciting. It was a little bit weird, but still it was also fun. Besides, my wife was into it, so I thought I should make the effort to get "with it" to try to cut loose and enjoy this different lifestyle.
In time, the strangeness of it all passed, and I became accustomed to it. And I began looking for more.
I should have known, really. I understand that I have one of those "addictive" personalities. Once I find out that I enjoy something, I want to do it all the time. For example: I ate Mac & Cheese for every meal for a month and a half in college, because I figured out that it "totally kicked ass" if you added some Ragu "meat" spaghetti sauce. I drink lots and lots of beer. I own stock in Krispy Kreme. Most of my hits on Ubersite are from me checking to see if anyone has read something I've written. Its obsessive. Its compulsive. Its my life.
So I should have realized right away that this new pastime was a potential problem. Knowing that, I should have steered way clear of "the 'crack' for aging Gen-X'ers" known by the letters T, L and C.
What's the part of pot that gets you high? Oh that's right, THC. Well TLC is pretty much just like that, except that after you are done abusing it, when you wonder your way into the kitchen you don't look in the fridge to see if there is anything to eat. Oh no. You take a look around and think, "Hmmm. We could sure use a new light fixture in here. Maybe a new window treatment. I'd like to see something with bold colors. OH! And Oh my God, honey, HARD. WOOD. FLOORS!"
And that's where it started. Trading Spaces. (known as Changing Rooms across the pond). An interior design show where two couple trade houses for two days and re-do a house in their friends home with the help of a carpenter and a professional interior designer.
Now, as a guy, and a pseudo-macho guy at that, I was uncomfortable with anything having to do with "interior design." I'd seen Christopher Lowell; I knew what messing with paint swatches could do to a guy.
However, somehow, between Paige Davis wearing shirts that were entirely too tight to contain her pert, pert breasts, Ty Pennington still being cool and (probably) not gay, and Home Depot ads convincing me that it wasn't "interior design" it was a "do-it-yourself PROJECT" I let my guard down.
I mean, I'd built my own deck, - I was pretty handy with a router and a compound miter saw. I was a HANDY guy, (If it were 1990, I'd bust into some sort of Tim Allen grunting nonsense just to prove it.) so I could admire the craftsmanship that went into many of the projects done on the show. That made it "okay" for me to watch.
No. I wasn't interested in how rich the fabric was for the pillows they sewed. But now that they mentioned it, I suppose it was pretty nice fabric.
No. I wasn't taken aback by the austere beauty of "a blue room - by Doug." Of course, if I were into that sort of thing, I could see where it was a really good room.
No. I didn't cry inside when Hilde glued straw to some lady's walls.
No. I do not maintain a shrine to Verne Yip in the back of my closet to this day.
Like all addictions, this one escalated and escalated rapidly.
Soon Trading Spaces wasn't enough. But that was okay, because my Dealers had the hook-up. Oh yeah, they saw me coming. They knew that Trading Spaces was just the show to get me in the door. Now it was time to set the hook.
While You Were Out was next. Just like Trading Spaces but with the added thrill of AMBUSH. Oh yeah, that's how daddy likes it. Wait for some poor schmuck to go out of town, then his wife and a team of trained professionals re-do his basement AND THEY ALWAYS PUT IN A BAR. I cry every time I see it. Oh yeah, and Theresa was kind of hot too.
By the time While You Were Out rolled around, I was pretty much a full-on, strung-out, TLC Junkie. But I didn't know it yet. As far as I was concerned, I could have quit any time I wanted to. I just didn't want to. I had a thousand square feet of basement to finish and I needed ideas.
Time passed, and I grew comfortable with my new lifestyle, and my dealers cemented me to them even more by introducing Clean Sweep, In a Fix, Overhaulin' and Rides (who knew Jason Priestly was still alive?)
This weekend though, I had the long-awaited moment of clarity. After a thoroughly educational evening spent slavishly adoring our basic-cable mistress, my wife and I retired to bed. As we were on our way to the bedroom we engaged in a discussion. I don't remember my exact words, but the gist of the conversation, from my point of view was this:
"I'm surprised how much I have learned from Clinton and Stacey. I never thought much about how what I wear affects others. Oh, and that Nick Arrojo is an artist, an ARTIST I tell you!"
That's right. Somehow, some way I have sunk so low as to now watch and enjoy What Not to Wear. There is NO way to justify this one.
I have a problem, and I need help badly.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:23:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
One step away from knowing what the colour mauve is dude.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another wonderful Itchy post.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need an infusion of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies. If you need to watch TV, watch Monster Garage or that show where they ovehaul the motorcycles.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-06-28 16:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont have time to read this post at the moment, but that title alone has made me laugh so hard, its worth a plus 2. the best title ive seen in ages.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-06-28 16:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the input everybody. With your help, I know I can beat this thing.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Monster House PWNZ those other fuckers.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."
Watch Animal House. You will instantly remember all that is good and glorious about being a drunk horny guy. Ka-FUCKING-Boom! Problem solved!
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Former TLC addict <irecovered.at.youcantoo> at 2004-06-28 11:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too had an addiction to TLC. I feel your pain. I had the good fortune to live in 3 different communities across Canada doing volunteer work whilst living with 11 other young people where we had *gasp* no TV! I quit my addiction cold turkey and have never since been able to watch a lot of TV (let alone TLC). I spent my time doing other things such as having faces drawn on each of my toes, chasing moose and being to lazy to walk to the corner store (and convincing my friend that it would be a good idea to push me to the corner store in the wheelchair we had aquired at the "dump", it's a very good idea so long as your "friend" doesn't decided that it is a good idea to hit your knees into everything nor to push your wheelchair into a busy parkinglot and let go letting you pray to your maker wishing and hoping that no car hits you)
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should start a support group.
Hi my name is engine13, and I am a TLC addict.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sucks to be you... but hey it could be worse, it could be spikeTV.
Submitted by I_hate_Nugget at 2004-06-28 11:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
itchy you are a bonafide homer sexual now
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One step away from knowing what the colour mauve is dude.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When this post first started I thought it was making allusions to anal.
I'd suggest getting drunk, having sex with your wife, then never watching shitty television shows again. Its people like you that let those idiots stay on the air.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-28 10:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And people wonder why I avoid television.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-28 10:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quickly run to the store and buy the cheapest case of beer there. Take the beer home, drink it, watch football, and call me in the morning.
If that doesn't work, there's always Ted Nugent therapy.