Those Fuckin' Drunks are Back (2048 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.94 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-28 11:44:32 EDT
They walk past my house every Friday and Saturday night. Two or three groups of them, streaming home from nightclubs and bars or wherever it is they go to drink themselves into near oblivion. I'm sure that by the light of day, they're reasonable people. Not much different from me. But at night... christ. Maybe it's the full moon. Maybe it's some mysterious psychic aura in my street. (That would explain a lot of things, actually.) Maybe it's the fact that they've absorbed enough alcohol to kill a normal person (ie - not an Australian). The reason isn't important. What's important is their descent into absolute fucking lunacy.
My bedroom is close to the street. I can hear them through my window, and I don't know whether to laugh, despair, or go outside and scream back.
This past weekend, I heard the following piece of gold: "Yeah? Well if you weren't such a fucking junkie WHORE I wouldn't have to sleep with your sister!" I had to actually force myself to stay put. I had to restrain the impulse to run outside, walk up this deluded piece of humanity, and tell him "Look. There is nowhere to go from here. As of now, you have no moral high ground. You can't win this argument from this point. Go home, sleep, do whatever the fuck you do, but this is a losing proposition for you now." The only thing that stopped me was the Junkie Whore's response: "If you didn't fuck my sister I wouldn't need to take drugs!" I was trapped in that chicken-or-the-egg paradox until they'd moved on.
Sometimes in my more whimsical moments, I consider going out there and setting up a deck chair. With a couch opposite. And a floor lamp. Right there on my front lawn. I shall offer them advice. They can totter up the street, drunk and raging at each other, and I'll sit them down and reasonably sort out whatever problem they're having. I can just see it.
"So, Bozza. What makes you think Karen here is a dirty slut?"
"Shezzallus flurrin wimy frenz..."
"Ok, Bozz. Unfortunately I don't understand a fucking word you say so GET THE FUCK OFF MY FUCKING LAWN YOU USELESS DRUNKEN CUNT!"
This harmlessly insane fantasy lasts only as long as it takes for one of them to throw a bottle at a streetlight and bray drunken laughter. I get the impression they wouldn't welcome the voice of reason.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't a bad part of town. It's a quiet residential neighbourhood that just happens to be between the nightclub strip and the town center. It's only on Fridays and Saturdays, and only after one in the morning, that I can sit here by my window, gleefully imbibing massive amounts of caffeine and snickering at the random insults that fly around outside like venomous little tennis balls with teeth.
Most of the arguments are self-explanatory. I mean, there's not much hidden meaning to: "Well, okay, so I fucked him! That doesn't mean you can just break up with me!" Occasionally, though, there are the lines that make me just.. wonder. There doesn't seem to be any back story that fits with them. How much can you really do with:
"It's all because of that fucking cat!"
"Blue? Blue? I'll fucking give you blue!"
"You're not allowed to just draw there!"
And my all time favorite, the one that still keeps me awake at night, puzzled and awestruck:
"That's never going to fit in there!"
(Note - I found this pic here: http://community.webshots.com/s/image4/6/12/48/59561248DRztGk_ph.jpg
Google search: drunk people)
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-28 12:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the pic is like one of those awful logic questions on the GRE... +2 for venomous tennis balls with teeth
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 18:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 drunks
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-11-20 13:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really have missed a lot of people's stuff.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did I not see this one yet?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-14 02:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Werd up you fucking whore, I like how you waited two weeks after I had done the same thing to submit, just so nobody would accuse you of stealing my idea, which you did.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35657
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-14 01:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do all six of em. My school used to be directly between the local aboriginal mission and the nearest pub. You can imagine...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-11-14 01:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51527
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my hero.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-07-23 23:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. Very funny.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-07-23 23:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe. I like the way you think. I even like the logical format you present your posts in. I even like the neat, orderly pattern you paragraphs make.
Your posts make my mind cum.
If I buy a ticket to Perth (guessing), can I stay with you for at least one night and sit on your lawn with you heckling the drunkards?
Shit, we could even get a little drunk ourselves. Maybe everything the drunkards say would make more sense, and we could explain to them how much they suck.
Let me know.
scotchyd.AT.yahoo.com
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-07-23 23:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eek.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-07-03 15:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-01 15:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Cindys_Younger_Sister (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaahhhh......
I do so love your writing, Circe.
My favorite drunk quote, "Man, let's go streakin' in the Quad!" ***Middle of winter, approx -4 deg C**
My second fav quote, "Lookukulin i hib druk'nin"
Submitted by johnnyno (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-06-29 11:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should get really drunk and then barge in on an argument like you own the place, then start a fight and run off with one of the girls like th hamburglar.
Rubble rubble!
Submitted by vex (user info) at 2004-06-29 11:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shezzallus flurrin wimy frenz..."
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-29 05:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats some damn fine readin.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-06-29 04:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What do you mean, if I didn't have this fish you wouldn't have stolen my coursework?"
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have had that semester at college.'
-Lewis Black, 'Things Overheard'
Submitted by JayDeath (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. What you need to do now is set up some harmless traps outside like fishline tied across the sidewalk. Listening to them bust their asses would be even funnier!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good, but not B@W, its just another version of Squattails picture with caption.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there.
It is funny as....as....oh whatever.
loved the line about fucking her sister. That is drunk drug logic in all it's glorious non-logic.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:15:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the only person in the world who is CONSTANTLY better every damn time you open your mouth.
Or type on your keyboard as the case may be...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-28 21:14:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
conrad - The main difference between Australian drunk speak and the drunk speak of any other country is that we sound pretty much exactly the same when we're sober.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
See? Told ya!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even if not BAW, it made Fetish's min-BAW.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-28 21:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
conrad - The main difference between Australian drunk speak and the drunk speak of any other country is that we sound pretty much exactly the same when we're sober.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-06-28 16:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bart this is a b@w post. i will personally hunt you down if this isnt on baw within 24 hours and give you such a pinch.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-28 16:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heck, I would've given you a +2 for the picture alone.
But the story rocked as well.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-28 15:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing enough - the difficulty lies in distinguishing Australian dialect from just plain drunk English non-specific: or is the distinction even an important one?
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-28 14:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fairly entertaining - glad I don't live on your block though!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:15:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the only person in the world who is CONSTANTLY better every damn time you open your mouth.
Or type on your keyboard as the case may be...
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-28 13:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the only person in the world who is CONSTANTLY better every damn time you open your mouth.
Or type on your keyboard as the case may be...
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-28 12:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Enjoyable reading. Thanks
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny storytelling
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe fucking rocks...
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking classic!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That's never going to fit in there!" Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by XtremeMooCow (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm never gonna figure out what "That will never fit in there" went to...damnit I'm gonna be thinking about this all day.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-06-28 12:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd do B
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, I would think this whole ordeal to be quite entertaining. I love watching and/or fucking with the passers by.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the pic is like one of those awful logic questions on the GRE... +2 for venomous tennis balls with teeth
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-28 11:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunk people. Always entertaining.