The Fart Nazi (962 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A. Miller <a_bone_to_pick.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-28 20:18:12 EDT
I'm not proficient at being funny; degenerating into toilet humor is my best bet. But, this ties into some of my previous posts about trying to change the people you love, so here goes.
I am squeamish about farts. In the past, it has literally caused problems.
My first husband, to whom I was married for nearly 8 years, was not allowed to break wind in my presence. I thought it was hideously unromantic for two lovers to fart in front of each other. For almost 8 years, he had to get up and go into another room to float an air biscuit, or suffer the consequences. When I say this, you may find it amusing (hopefully), but I am dead serious. I had slain Puff the Magic Dragon.
You see, my reasoning was thus: When you are dating someone, you go all out to make yourself appear polite, attractive, and clean. You put on your best clothes, bathe profusely, coat yourself with deodorant, lotion, and cologne. You don't take your date to a fancy restaurant and start picking your toes at the table, do you? No. We put on our mask of politeness and conformity. After eating a huge dinner, we get gassy. But when you are trying to impress someone, you hold that in and smile until you turn green.
So, why should that urge to impress and attract a mate disappear simply because you got into a steady relationship or got married? Isn't that like saying you don't care about looking and smelling good anymore? The first time he ripped one in my vicinity, (about 3 months into dating) I ripped into him with all the anger of a Chihuahua with hemorrhoids: "You go along all this time, wearing cologne, bathing every day, being a perfect gentleman. Now all of a sudden, I'm subjected to the reek of your ass fumes! Christ, but that's inconsiderate of you. Don't ever do that shit again!"
He looked sheepish, and said he would try to refrain from doing it around me. From that day forward, till the end of the marriage, he held it in front of me. The only time I made exceptions was if he was sleeping or we were riding in a car and couldn't stop.
It's not as if I expected this restraint only from him. I also lived by these rules. There were a few times I thought I was going to die from gas poisoning. But I'd be damned if I was going to break wind in front of my man. I would not have him see me as anything but sexy and ladylike. Never mind all the times that he had held my hair for me while I barfed in a drunken stupor; and there is nothing less genteel than spewing forth a mixture of Taco Hell and Hot Damn. Nevertheless, I had declared my house a no-fart zone.
Now we arrive at the day of the divorce. We have had a no-fault divorce, which is drawing up your own paperwork, then having a judge ask you if you're sure you want to go through with it (after it's been filed for however long, I forgot how long exactly.), and signing the final papers.
Afterwards, we are walking down the cavernous hall of one of the oldest buildings in the county- the main courthouse- ready to get into our respective cars and drive into the sunset, when he let one fly. He literally lifted up his leg and thrust his arms down in a "YES!" gesture. It thundered down the corridor, echoing off the polished marble floor and Victorian era walls. He looks at me and says, "Now I can fart when I damn well please." I was in a speechless state, which was rare. His ass and its contents had finally achieved liberty and freedom, and he no doubt saluted the flag once he got out onto the courthouse steps.
When I met my current husband, I was just learning to quell my bitchiness, and was still wearing my crown most of the time. I let him know right off the bat how I felt about farting. He thought I was crazy, but he wanted to please me at all costs, so he went along with my insanity. By this time, my son was around 6 years old, and I had begun to infect him with my disease. Poor child.
About 2 years into this marriage, I was bartending at our local redneck dive. It's where all our friends hung out anyway, as it was really the only bar in town. One of my best friends, who knew about my strange behavior (and is a fellow Seinfeld fan- many of you will remember the famous Soup Nazi episode), took pity on Chris. She came to the bar when I was working on a slow night, and asked me if I was still prohibiting farts in my presence. When I replied in the affirmative, she says, "Do you know what you are? You're the Fart Nazi."
I just kind of laughed, flustered. Her husband came in, and they started telling me all about their fart contests and other such TMI, and couldn't believe I could be so rigid and starchy, yadayada. Soon after, two of my other very close friends, also a couple, walked in. They joined in the conversation, and soon I was the victim of two hour's worth of romantic fart anecdotes for lovers. One of my long-time male friends, sitting next to his very elegant fiancée, actually let one right there. Other acquaintances made themselves part of the shaming. They all laughed like crazy, and I tried to go along, but I was mortified.
Then they began to harangue me about being such a "prude", and how I was being unfair to my husband. Then, speak of the devil, in he walks. Before it was all over with, I was drunker than owl shit from trying to kill the embarrassment, and they had elicited from me a promise that I would allow my beloved to fart at leisure from then on. With amendments, of course. These days, a butt trumpet from hubby gets little more than a disgusted look from me. Besides, his burps are infinitely worse.
To this day, I wonder it was an intervention organized by my friend, or just an unholy chain of coincidence. I have been cured. Apparently, friends don't let friends harbor fart phobias.
Below, you will find my camwhore debut.
Regards,
Ferretnose
User Reviews
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-06-29 10:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My girlfriends exactly like you. So what I do to rebel against her tyranny is when she's asleep I fart on her head. It never wakes her up, and she looks so cute with her hair blowing in my man-wind breeze.
Submitted by UberWeiss (user info) at 2004-06-29 07:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 to see you're growing out of your bitchiness
I think marriage is all about being closer to someone than anyone else - if that means chewing on a sulphide air-burger then you should be honoured, not disgusted. Getting your partner back is always the best.
"It's the fart-game, you'll play it one day son!" - Eddie Murphy, Delirious
UW
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-06-29 06:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Riiiiiiight, Yea, well done for admitting that you are an anally retentive bitch.
"I also lived by these rules. There were a few times I thought I was going to die from gas poisoning."
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-29 01:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm with Zoid. Somethings are better done in private.
A friend of mine has another annoying habit. He is always scratching/re-arranging his balls in public wherever.
It is like a reflex action for him and really does not look cool.
Submitted by Dashel (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seinfeld rocks.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well I kinda agree with being like that, maybe not a nazi but...
part of the reason romance goes out of a relationship is you stop seeing him/her as this somewhat mysterious stranger and instead know them inside and out like your best friend.
I dont want you to leave the door open when you're using the bathroom, or come in and do so while I'm showering.
Similarly with burping and farting. That's something you do with your buddies, which, while I am a buddy, I'm also the buddy you sleep with.
Gotta keep some things mysterious
Submitted by You Deserve To Be Divorced You at 2004-06-28 23:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"My first husband, to whom I was married for nearly 8 years, was not allowed to break wind in my presence. I thought it was hideously unromantic for two lovers to fart in front of each other."
Listen you stupid cunt, it's only disgusting if you fart because you're a broad and it's foul if a woman farts. No wonder he divorced your stupid ass. I hope the next man in your life farts in your face when you suck his dick and has a wet diarrhea fart that splatters on your teeth.
Submitted by danieldandy (user info) at 2004-06-28 23:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yowzers! you are quite the classy gal.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-06-28 23:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, **** me runnin', sideways, with a chainsaw! I fergot to attatch the little bugger! Oh well. I'll get it next time.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-28 23:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm good at pointing out the obvious so I shall do just that.
Your picture didn't work.
Good post though!
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2004-06-28 22:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining. My wife is a bit of a Puff the Magic Dragon Slayer herself.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-28 21:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do toilet humor too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36933
Really, this was a funny read though. +2
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-06-28 20:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...friends don't let friends harbor fart phobias."
I like you.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-06-28 20:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Never mind all the times that he had held my hair for me while I barfed in a drunken stupor; and there is nothing less genteel than spewing forth a mixture of Taco Hell and Hot Damn.
Automatic +2 for that.