Happy Birthday, Dano!!! (1190 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dano
Rating: 1.92 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James (View user info) at 2004-06-29 00:19:34 EDT
"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on." ~Billy Connolly
Today is Dano's twenty-fifth birthday.
The howling mad bastard will no doubt be celebrating this momentous day with much drinking and debauchery. I like to think that there will be quite a lot of shrieking too.
Since the day Dano hit his brother across the head a cricket bat when he turned eleven, not one of his subsequent birthdays has passed without incident.
In 1997, Dano turned eighteen. It was a glorious occasion. His folks had a penchant for throwing big crazy-ass parties and they had a huge house in which to do it. All our friends were invited as well as a few members of our extended family we had not even heard of, let alone met in person.
Dano spent the evening sat beside me in the kitchen next to the beer keg. After about six pints, Dano turned to me and asked, "Do you know what would be really funny?"
"I don't know. What?" I replied.
"If you put a tea cosy on your head and run around the garden." He smirked.
I narrowed my eyes at him and seriously began to wonder whether or not his excessive drinking had caused him brain damage. Before I could reply, Dano lurched forward off his chair and snatched the tea cosy from atop of the pot and placed it snugly around his head. He turned back to face me with a beaming grin slapped all over his face.
"Fine," He grinned, "I'll do it instead."
He then proceeded to dash out of the kitchen through the patio doors and out into the garden, straight into the huddled mass of our friends and family. One minute they were enjoying a pleasant summer's evening, sipping wine and exchanging pleasantries when all of a sudden a howling madman tore through the heart of the crowd whilst Shrieking Like A Berserker. I leant out of the kitchen door in time to see Dano chasing middle-aged divorcees around the garden, screeching, "I'M AN ALIEN!!! I'M AN ALIEN!!!" at the top of his lungs.
After spending ten minutes terrifying everybody with his absurd behaviour, Dano charged back into the house and emerged seconds later, acting Like Nothing Ever Happened. The crazy bastard did not even acknowledge the fact that he had made three infants shit their pants with fear and were balling their little eyes out.
In 1995, Dano turned sixteen and for reasons known only to him and the other voices in his head believed that he deserved the right to have a beer at his own pleasure. That in itself was not a problem as Dano's parents were intelligent enough to recognise that forbidding Dano to have a drink would only strengthen his resolve to procure alcohol by deceitful means. They cheerfully gave Dano some money to go to the nearby liquor store to buy himself two six packs of beer to share between him, myself and his brother, Lefty. The idea was that we would drink the booze around a fire we had set up in the back garden as we spent the evening beneath the stars in our sleeping bags.
The trip to the store should have been easy. While I was not much of a drinker in those days, I had bought booze for my friends on several occasions because I looked the oldest (read: tallest) and I had never been asked for identification. All Dano had to do was give me the money, wait outside, and let me buy the beer.
But, no, that would have been far too easy, wouldn't it?
Upon turning the final corner before reaching the shop, I nudged Dano and asked him to hand over the money so that I could buy him the beer. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me as if I was something he had just scraped from the heel of his boot.
"What the fuck would I want to do that for?" He enquired.
"Because I look the oldest," I reasoned, "If you go in first and don't get served, I won't be able to buy it afterwards because the cashier will have guessed that I'm with you."
"So?" Dano replied.
"So, why don't you wait here, stay out of sight, and let me buy the beer? I've done it before."
Dano tighten his fist. "No fucking way," He replied, "I want to do this. It's my fucking birthday."
I raised my hands in an apologetic fashion and shrugged my shoulders. To be honest, he stood every chance of being served, but with it being his first time I thought I should have shouldered the responsibility since I had a little more experience in such matters. Lefty concurred, although he choose not to speak up. At that point in our lives, we were unaware of how mad Dano really was. We just thought he was a little odd and suffering from pubescent angst. The only person who, up until that point, had experienced the wrath of Dano's slowly emerging insanity was Lefty, who never revealed the truth about the constant bullying and intimidation he suffered until much later.
So while Dano stepped into the store to make his purchase, Lefty and I waited a few metres down the street out of the view of the cashier and the CCTV system.
After five minutes I grew concerned. How long does it take to buy two six packs of beer when there is no other customer in the store?
When Lefty and I had been waiting for ten minutes we both knew that barring some sort of unlikely explanation our plan had gone hideously wrong. Had Dano been busted? Had the police been called?
We should have fled the scene but we didn't. We stayed put, out of fear as much as loyalty. A few minutes later, Dano emerged from the store, red-faced and empty-handed. He turned on his heel and pointed back at the cashier through the open door and unleashed a stream of obscenities that would make a pimp blush.
"FUCK OFF, YOU DOGWHORE!!! I WANT MY BEER!!!" He raged, " YOU CAN'T DENY ME MY RIGHTS!! MY ID SAYS I'M EIGHTEEN!!! GIVE ME THE DAMN BEER!!!"
It then occurred to me why Dano was so adamant about buying the beer. He had a fake ID. Lord knows where he got it from, but obviously it had not fooled the cashier who was now standing in the doorway, arms crossed with a bemused, albeit unimpressed look on her face. She stared down at Dano and spoke as if addressing a small child. Or a mental patient.
"I'm sorry, son. But that is not a valid form of identification. We do not accept student cards."
"BUT I'M EIGHTEEN!" Dano screeched.
"I'm sorry." The cashier said and went back inside.
Dano stamped his feet and let out a few Berserker hollers. Temper tantrums were not unusual, even at this early stage of his madness, but Lefty and I were not prepared for what happened next.
Dano stood in the same spot and quietly seethed, not even acknowledging our existence. Neither Lefty nor myself were bold enough to approach him so we just waited. For what seemed like a fucking eternity.
Then it happened.
First, I heard the sound of clattering metal from the alleyway next to the store. Then a dustbin lid rolled out into the street. From out of the corner of my eye, I saw a skinny, malnourished Golden Retriever emerge from the alleyway and approach Dano. Normally, Dano was pretty good with animals. The dog trotted over to him in a sprightly fashion, obviously in search of some affection, and then did the unthinkable - he tried to mount Dano's leg.
Holy shit, you have never heard a Berserker shriek like that.
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU SICK FUCKING FREAK!" Dano screeched, but to no avail.
This puppy was not going anywhere until its business was done. As Dano jerked and danced around, the dog clung to his leg for dear life before Dano was forced to pound away at it with his fists until it relinquished its hold.
After much hysterical whooping and a final forearm to the face, Dano managed to get the dog to let go. It stooped its head down low and slowly shuffled away from Dano, obviously quite hurt by his callous rejection.
But Dano wasn't done. He always had to have the final word, as such.
As the dog slinked its path back to the alleyway, a seething Dano charged up behind it and gave it a swift boot to nuts. Speechless, Lefty and I watched helplessly as the dog howled in pain and limped back into the shadows.
Dano screamed into the darkness with all the righteous indignation he could muster.
"FUCK YOU, DOG! THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!"
After a few seconds, there was nothing but silence as Dano then turned and came back to us. He acted Like Nothing Ever Happened and suggested that we try a different store.
We didn't argue. Although this time, Dano let me buy the beer.
The incident was never discussed again.
Happy Birthday, you crazy bastard
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 09:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-11 01:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...the fuck?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-03 15:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:33:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story but I think Dano should be kicked repeatedly in the cubes for kicking a dog.
And if we can't find Dano, kick the fucking author in the cubes instead.
That'll solve it."
-- Spaz
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-03 10:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story but I think Dano should be kicked repeatedly in the cubes for kicking a dog.
And if we can't find Dano, kick the fucking author in the cubes instead.
That'll solve it.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-02 16:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:18:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
What are you, smokin dick?
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Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:17:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Come on, what kind of redneck fucks with an animal like that... oh, thats right. ALL OF THEM (and their cousin).
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Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:15:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
FUck you, pick on someone your own size you fucking dickless wonder!"
-- The fuck???
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What are you, smokin dick?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Come on, what kind of redneck fucks with an animal like that... oh, thats right. ALL OF THEM (and their cousin).
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-31 23:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUck you, pick on someone your own size you fucking dickless wonder!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-07-31 15:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's where it all started:
Crazy Like A Fox - http://www.ubersite.com/m/32733
Then I followed it up with these:
Crazy Like A Fox Too - http://www.ubersite.com/m/33845
Men of the Mountain - http://www.ubersite.com/m/34209
Tempus Fugit - http://www.ubersite.com/m/34551
Dano Learns That Crime Does Not Pay - http://www.ubersite.com/m/35659
The most recent one, which occured on July 17 2004, is this one here:
Finding God In A Dumpster, Slapping Sense Into German Tourists & Raising Disco From The Dead, Oh My! - http://www.ubersite.com/m/38344
There is also one written by Jimbo, who wrote the original Tom vs Dano post a few months ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33304
I'm in the midst of writing the follow-up. Should be up in a few days.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-07-30 13:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many more Dano stories are there? I just have this one and "Dano Learns That Crime Does Not Pay".
Any others? Definitely scrapbook-worthy.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by money_shot (user info) at 2004-07-22 09:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude first time i read about this Dano bloke, but i want to meet him.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-07-22 08:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass post, well written and held my attention throughout.
Nice picture.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-07-15 11:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-07-13 21:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these Dano stories.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-04 06:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-06-29 16:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
I'm in New York City right now on company business, and the fucking funniest thing just happened to me. I'll just say it involved some black orthodox jews in front of the NYC public library and a megaphone.
I'll write about it on Monday when I get back.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-06-29 16:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dano is always entertaining.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-06-29 15:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Told him? Shit no, I'll probably end up like that dog!
Seriously though, I haven't seen him in a few months. Maybe I'll tell him next week when I go home. hehe
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-06-29 10:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the 'compliment' (http://www.ubersite.com/m/36963#619808) I guess
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-06-29 08:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha. He kicked the dog in the nuts
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-06-29 08:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There isn't a man in England who hasn't attempted to procure alcohol with an adapted NUS card.
Fake ID + local Spar shop = 16 year olds weekend. Usually down the rec' or at a bus stop.
Dano is fast becoming the face of Britains youth.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-06-29 08:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dano Rules.
Does he know that you write all these stories about him?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-29 03:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-06-29 03:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-29 01:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aye.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-06-29 01:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-06-29 01:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you have found your Masonic costume again!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn these stories kick ass
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww. Puppy. *sad noise*
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, great post. Dano kicks ass.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nuckin futs.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-06-29 00:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the penis costume.