I Feel 100% Gay, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (949 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-29 08:40:48 EDT
When was the last time any of you guys took a family picture? Posing all nice and neat next to la familia; you know, those kind that you might find hanging in the hallway of your grandparents' house.
I just relived that long-lost experience yesterday, at the ripe old age of 23.
Last week my mother asked me if I would mind if we had a family picture taken. My stomach felt uneasy almost immediately, because I've never enjoyed having my picture taken, not even at those shitty things they set up in the gymnasium when I was in elementary school. And I have a real pet peeve about smiling on demand. How retarded is that? If they want me to smile, show me a picture of Jessica Alba sucking beer from Jamie Pressly's cooch with a garden hose. At least give me that respect.
There were a million reasons to hate such an idea. But, I'm a sucker and I really do love my mom so I gave in without too much complaint. After all, she had been wanting to take a family picture together since I was about 12, so I guess after 11 years she had earned it. And since I moved out of their place a while back I don't see much of the family anyways. This whole thing was somehow a fundraiser for the bank she works at, so maybe it's for a good cause, like money for some new props at this godawful photo place. More on that in a minute.
Mom wanted us to wear matching colored shirts for some reason, and apparently my plain black t-shirt with "Thursday" across the front wasn't good enough. So when I got there she had a new Hanes™ black t-shirt just for me. SWEET! Now this was totally worth some pictures.
So this photo shop was set up inside an old warehouse, and I swear to Jebus it had the shittiest props ever. A box full of sand and some arm-floats -- for that beach-scene look. Ah, nevermind that drywall in the background there, thats...the ocean...with the clouds....and the seamist there...yeah. But my family didn't even get a real photographer. We got some chick who graduated high school last week, although she was quite attractive for a young whippersnapper. I could tell by the looks on the faces of my dad and brother, that this was going to suck big time.
So our background and prop scene consisted of a Bob Ross-like cloudy background, a black rug, and some plastic boxes that were made to look like weathered wood. First pose didn't seem so bad, as the whole family shared the anguish of grinning on demand. Except my brother, he refuses to smile. Courage in the face of parental wrath; I salute you brother! So Dad sits down on this plastic...I mean, WOODEN *wink* box. Mom stands on one side, brother in the back, and me kneeling on the opposite side. "Smile!" *gag*
OK, that was quick and slightly painful, like a tetanus shot. I thought it was over. Like a bad Jaws remake, it was eerily quiet. And then photographer chick made another pass, to metaphorically eat my legs like that poor cap'n guy.
High school graduate: "OK now lets get individual shots."
Brain: "Run, escape, drive away to Manitoba or somewheres far far away...YAAAAARRRRGH!"
"Lets get Mom and Dad first." Mom was rolling her eyes because I think they were in the same pose as my grandparents were in their wedding photo. It reeked of gayness. Me and bretheren spend a few minutes making fun of them while the hot chick changed backgrounds. By changed backgrounds, I mean she hung up a sex-stained black sheet with a red light shining on it.
Brain: "Hey, did she get that sheet from my bed?!"
Next, it was "OK lets get the kids now." For fuck sakes lady, I'm 5 years older than you...please dont refer to me like I'm one of those drooling freaks in a K-Mart somewhere that refuses to smile for the camera unless they have a finger puppet show played for them. I sat on the box, Sean kneeled beside me. It sucked. But it was over quick. THEN came the horrible part. Individual shots. Guys, imagine sitting on the ground, leaning to one side, and propping yourself up on your arm. Girls, imagine sitting normally but with your legs so tight together it makes your hole hurt. Instinct says we guys need ample ball room, or next thing you know we've got honey-like sweat goin on down there and then stickage starts to occur. I didn't get ample room, I got ZERO room. Both legs clasped together, laying on my side, praying a comet would crash into my face and end the pain.
After that Sean says, "man for a second you looked just like uncle Bobby." My uncle is basically an agitated homosexual.
"Yes I know Sean, that's because I was pissed off, and gay. So gay my ass hurts."
Maybe after therapy I'll scan and post a photo at a later date...stay tuned.
User Reviews
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-03 01:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homsar, you are the pride of the peaches.
Submitted by conrad (user info) at 2004-06-29 23:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-29 18:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homsar is really my favorite HSR.com character.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-29 18:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**Everyone thinks their family is the weirdest; but all families are weird in their own way.**
That's the first time I've ever seen anyone reference 'Anna Karenina' in a review.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-06-29 17:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for feeling gay
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-29 15:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny title for a funny story.
+2 for being a good boy for your mom.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-06-29 12:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. Every year at Easter, Christmas, and any other time my family gets together out come 2-3 cameras for 30 fucking minutes of picture taking. I HATE it.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-29 11:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I just say I used to work at Sear's photo studio, and the lame-ass matching outfits thing is fucking pathetic. People think it's so goddamn original - NEWSFLASH - IT'S NOT! Nearly every family in North America has a family photo in matching shirts/pants/ties/reindeer fucking sweaters and santa hats. Puh-leeeeze! THE INSANITY MUST STOP! Does ANY family ANYWHERE ever dress in matching outfits on a regular day? Then why in the FUCK would you do it for a photo? It makes you look like they let the tards out for a field trip that day.
PS - Everyone should stop getting these ridiculous carbon copy photos done at craphole places like Sears and Wal-mart. The photographers have ZERO experience (they get their training from a manual) and ZERO creativity. If you insist on having family photos done, go see an ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHER, someone who knows what the fuck a light meter is, who actually has an independant idea, and doesn't do their placements based on some archaic formula some dimwit at Sears made up back in the 60's.
Anyway - rant over, +2 for being such a good son.
Submitted by fhreak (user info) at 2004-06-29 11:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2004-06-29 11:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a trooper
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-06-29 10:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+100 for loving your mom.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-29 10:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 "Yes I know Sean, that's because I was pissed off, and gay. So gay my ass hurts."
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-29 10:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEah, I had that experience recently and it was just as unusual for our family, we never do stuff like that. My mom also wanted matching shirts. We didn't even get a print for ourselves, just the one she sent off to grandpa or whomever.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-29 09:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate family pictures i always look like a fucking goober.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-06-29 09:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. I'm still laughing. I think I'm going to be snickering at "Both legs clasped together, laying on my side, praying a comet would crash into my face and end the pain" for a few hours yet.
Good job.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-06-29 09:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone thinks their family is the weirdest; but all families are weird in their own way.
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-29 09:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on, me. Get it together. I know this -1 doesn't really count but no reviews must mean this blows too bad to comment on. Maybe your title is garbage. Learn what they taught you in 4th grade, tard. Attention-getters. One-liners. Focus...focus....