Ranger Joe and the Leaky Faucet (792 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.94 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-06-30 12:27:21 EDT
Ahh, camping. My favourite summer pastime. Every year, my husband, myself, and two of our friends pack our SUV with tons of equipment, booze and weed (oh, and some food for good measure) and head out on the highway in search of nature. And by nature I mean some crappy little conservation area 40 minutes outside a major city (just in case we run out of booze and need to make a run) with electricity and running water available within 10 feet, and flush toilets and showers no more than a 3 minute walk away. The embodiment of true woodsmen at their finest, we are.
This particular trip was no different. We arrive at the campground, set up our tents, pull out the lawn chairs, grab some beers chilled to perfection, and immediately spark one up. This is the life.
Now, one particular thing I've come to notice over my several years of toking, is that certain strains of weed tend to make me incredibly horny. Exceptionally horny. I don't know why this happens, but it probably explains my husband's recently acquired marijuana addiction.
Normally this works in his favour (and mine), but in this particular situation, that was not the case. Not that I don't enjoy getting it on in the outdoors, I just don't particularly enjoy getting it on in a tent less than 10 feet away from two of my very close friends. I don't want them to hear me in the midst of throes of passion, and I'm almost certain they feel the same way. With no outlet for my hormonal urges, if there were ever a case of female blue-balls, I sure had it right then.
Enter Ranger Joe.
Range Joe (not his real name - I never got it) is a tall, handsome lad, with piercing blue eyes, a beautiful golden tan from too many hours spent out in the sun, and a smile that could melt your heart. He just oozes sex. I instantly fell in love. Well, lust anyway. He was casually driving from site to site on a green ATV, with some tools loaded in the back, obviously making the general maintenance rounds. Handsome, and he fixes things too - could he BE any more magnificent? I seriously doubt it.
His ATV rolls to a stop just in front of our site. My heart skips a beat, as I notice from the corner of my eye my girlfriend bolt from her lawn chair to greet him. No fucking way bitch, I think to myself. I don't care if I'm married, I saw him FIRST! I quickly scramble behind her, just barely suppressing the urge to tackle her like a pro wrestler before she gets a word out.
"Hi there," she purrs like a kitten. Dammit. Shoulda knocked the bitch down. Now it's on.
"Pretty hot out here today," I add. "You must be burning up inside that uniform."
His gaze begins at my ankles, and slowly moves upwards, until our eyes lock, and he smiles. "Well, it's pretty warm," he replies, "but you get used to it." His eyes shoot right through me, and I'm convinced I'm going to pass out right into his arms, which wouldn't be all that bad, come to think of it.
"How 'bout a nice cold beer, that ought to cool you off a little" I say, as I extend the unopened bottle towards him. That's funny, I think. I don't remember stopping at the cooler on my way over here. Oh well, I've got a hunk-a-licious man in front of me - who cares where the beer came from! I begin to notice that Ranger Joe isn't paying the slightest attention to the beads of sweat pouring down the side of the bottle, but is watching the beads of sweat slip down my chest and into my cleavage instead.
"Wish I could, but I'm on the job. Gotta fix this leaky faucet," he says in that deep, raspy voice as he turns to get some tools from his ATV. "We can't have you dripping all day long, now can we?" Oh yes you can, you big, hot, stud! He turns his head back towards me, and throws a devilish grin my way. He knows exactly what I'm thinking.
"Well, mind if I watch you work? Plumbing fascinates me," I whisper softly.
"Not at all, just stand back a little, I wouldn't want you to get too wet." You're such a tease, I think to myself, giggling a little at the idea. Little did he know, I was already well on my way. "You don't mind if I unhook this?" he asks, motioning towards the garden hose we had attached to the faucet.
I shake my head, and he begins to detach the hose. Water starts to squirt from the connection, and sprays his tan coloured uniform a little. I giggle at him. "I guess I should have mentioned the tap is still on, huh?"
He smiles and laughs. "Don't worry about it. I've gotta change this on the fly, so I'll probably end up a lot wetter than this." He turns off the tap, and removes the hose. I take a couple of steps back and watch as he removes the old leaking valve from the pipe. Water flows furiously onto the ground.
Now for anyone who doesn't know what "on the fly" is, this means he has to change the faucet without shutting the water off to it. Not the easiest thing to do in the world, changing a faucet with water pouring out of it. He's such a dreamboat...
He begins to attach the new faucet. Water sprays uncontrollably, soaking Ranger Joe to the bone. By the time he's finished, there's not a dry patch on him. I feel a throbbing sensation between my legs as he shakes the water from his sandy blonde hair, and runs his hands through it to push the strands out of his face. "Shit," he says. "I'm soaked."
He begins unbuttoning his uniform, revealing pectoral muscles that I swear were chiselled by Greek gods. He tears the drenched clothing from his fabulous body, and tosses it aside. I quickly move towards him, towel in hand (towel?? wait a minute... what happened to the beer? and why do I care?) and begin vigorously drying him off. As I rub the soft white cotton down his rigid stomach, I look up, and our eyes meet again.
Sweeping me up into his arms, he kisses me with fervour. He carries me over to his ATV, lays me across the seat, and begins undressing me, kissing every inch of my hot, sweaty body as it is revealed. "Oh Joe, I want you to make passionate love to me, right here on this four-wheeler! I want you to take me to levels of exhilaration I've never felt before! Take me, take me now!" I scream.
A sudden burst of pain shoots through my right leg. "Ow!" I yelp, as I suddenly snap back to reality. Disoriented, I look around. I'm no longer sprawled half naked across the ATV. I'm standing in front of the water tap, fully clothed. Ranger Joe is staring back at me, with a bewildered look on his face. He's motioning towards the garden hose, which is still attached to the tap. He's still wearing his uniform, which is completely dry. In the background I can hear laughter, that cackling kind of laughter you make when one of your friends (or your wife, for that matter) has just made a total asshole of themselves.
Slowly, it occurs to me. I'd been standing there staring at Ranger Joe the whole time, not saying a word. He'd asked me if he could detach the hose, and all I did was stare blankly, mouth hanging wide open and drooling a little, like some fucking retard. The only words I can managed to mutter after two or three minutes of staring at blankly him were "Take me, take me now!" That's when my friend kicked me, and reality came crashing down.
Mortified, I turn and walk slowly into the woods, where I bash my head repeatedly into a tree. But sadly, no amount of brain damage can ever erase that day from my memory.
I fucking hate camping.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-05 15:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaa. You were day dreaming!!! Ooohh!!
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-06-30 20:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by noonelikesyou (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me or are there a bunch of good posts this afternoon?
Very top notch.
F
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a hot story -- as only a horny woman could tell it.
Submitted by chicklett (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gave me a huge boner.
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet if you met Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, you would have had a damn good time.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I don't have that kind of problem.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rangers: is there anything they can't do?
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray! Another great writer joins uber!
Glad you're here. Good post. Now I gotta go read your first one.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny and, sadly, recognisable.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's how I go camping. I go up to New hampshire right by Canada.
friggin' beautiful. always at a campground though. never really roughing it.
We get about 4 couples together and just drink and sunbathe for 4 days.
Nothing is funner than sitting by the fire at night and getting wasted, crwaling to
your tent, waking up and having beer with breakfast... mmmmm...
sorry i love camping so i had so much to say.
BTW airmattresses make really loud squeaky noises when you get down and boogy...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ranger Joe can be found at Pinehurst Lake conservation area outside of Paris, Ontario.
His name's not Joe (well, it could be, I never asked him) but trust me, you'll know him when you see him. Tell him I say bolifnigishwyan.... he'll know what it means.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great! if that really happened i feel sorry for your embarrassment.
but if ranger joe is that hot........... what campground was it?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good writing, I bet this gets positive reviews, but if it were about a married man fantasizing about a chick ranger, it'd get -2ed into the ground...
Submitted by Dashel (user info) at 2004-06-30 12:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Danielle Steele? Is that you?
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-30 12:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck, I just noticed a typo, and a missed paragraph. Sorry!!!