Food Shoes (1419 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2004-06-30 12:45:07 EDT
**Inspired by a True Story**
I have always done my best to be completely random as much as possible. Can you really call it random if you try to do so? I think yes would be the answer to this question. Let the random thoughts flow from the deep recesses of my muddied mind.
I would choose to entertain those that surrounded me with said thoughts as they escaped my face portal. Like the time that I thought that if you puked while shitting, a vortex would be created in the epicenter, thus blinking you out of existence. I call it my Vertical Double Projection Theory. It has never happened to me, but I know this guy, who's cousin's friend...
You get the point.
One day, while pondering the importance of important things, an idea came to mind.
Random thought #1: I wonder what mashed potatoes feel like under my feet and in between my toes.
I didn't think about gravy because that would just be plain gross. It took quite some time for this idea to remove itself from my head, but it went away temporarily, nonetheless. That is, until later when my mother was cooking dinner and I happened to be wearing an old pair of Adidas. As luck would have it, she was cooking mashed potatoes, along with turkey and cranberry sauce.
Random thought #2: Old shoes that I no longer really need = excellent place for me to contain the mashed potatoes without making a complete mess.
So, I'm shoveling mashed potatoes into my shoes, right...
My mother can only look at me as though I have a dickfor protruding from my forehead. I know what you're thinking, 'What's a dickfor?' Well, dude, if I have to tell you, you probably shouldn't be reproducing anyway.
The month was June and it was warm outside. I knew that my feet could be cleaned. I stepped in dogshit one time while barefoot and it really sucked. That's only because dogshit smells like, well, dogshit. I took my "food shoes" outside as I knew that I could hose my feet off upon completing my feat.
I put my right foot in. It felt as if a warm, mushy tongue was being squished between my toes. Here goes the left foot. The bottoms of my feet were in a metaphorical heaven because of the soothing warmth. My only remaining adventure would be to walk around the front yard with the mashed tubers in my sneaks'.
Oh, there was a rush of weird feelings that shot up my nerve endings and with synapses firing, I made my way to my neighbor's house. Steve, my neighbor, was sitting on the front porch. He knows about my predisposition and I tell him that I have mashed potatoes in my shoes. He laughs and tells me that I am a freak. By this time, the 'taters are seeping through sides of the shoes. I do believe that they were no longer edible, as the foul semenish paste seeped through.
Add-on to Random Thought #2: Why stop with mashed potatoes? Where can this insanity end?!
I ran home squishy-footed. I called for my brother.
"Bring the rest of the cranberry sauce out here, now!" are the exact words that I used.
For those of you that haven't tried cranberry sauce between your toes, I will break it down for you in two words: foot orgasm. Or, was it saucy toes? I can't remember.
I don't tell this story to many people for fear of being deemed weird. Actually, I don't really care about being called weird. I was worried that a network executive might steal this idea and make it into a crappy reality-dating show with less-than-fantastic prizes.
I have grown up now and I don't get to play food shoes much these days. What with the working, and the sleeping, and the drinking; Oy Vay! Even when I do get to use my food shoes, I have become such a snob that the a la carte and meals that I put into my sneaks are so expensive and different that it's hard to sustain my habit.
You know, I think that they should have a support group for this type of thing. I wonder if there is anyone else like me, out there. If I could find a kindred spirit, I think that I could kick my addiction.
God, I'm a dork.
Thanks H.T.
User Reviews
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-05-09 22:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i likes
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-02 18:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if it's true or not man it's pretty fucking funny. Spies like Us reference "dickfor" ALMOST got you a +1.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-30 12:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Christ.
How many people post fiction or embellish their stories on this site? If you enjoyed reading this or it made you smile, is it not deserving of at least a +1?
I included at the top that this was inspired by true story. I never implied (other than telling this story in the first person) that it was me who did this. This situation would be funny no matter who did it.
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You are absolutely right. Reading this again, two months later, I'm giving it a solid +2.
Excellent post.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Christ.
How many people post fiction or embellish their stories on this site? If you enjoyed reading this or it made you smile, is it not deserving of at least a +1?
I included at the top that this was inspired by true story. I never implied (other than telling this story in the first person) that it was me who did this. This situation would be funny no matter who did it.
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0 because it wasn't you and you used a "dickfor" joke. That deservs a -1 by itself. But I did enjoy reading it.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-07-01 14:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crazy paco, it's the girl that I have been seeing. See you Tuesday.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-07-01 09:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, it was going to be a +1 until
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Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:43:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't me that did this. It was just easier for me to tell the story using myself in the stead of the real person.
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Submitted by pacoreef (user info) at 2004-07-01 09:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so who is this H.T. for i know who you really arrrr?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HT I know that you may be reading this right now. You just may be a weirdo. I still like you though.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK.
Thanks for your reviews guys. I guess that I can tell her that there's no else out there like and that she's a weirdo. I hope that you were entertained if only for a moment...
I'm off to see Spiderman 2. Yay!!
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope...nothing you're not getting. I think I was so entranced trying to comprehend your thoughts on randomness I zoned out. Long and rubbery arms happened to be my next sensation.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Frenchy,
Is there something that I am not getting? Why did your arms feel long and rubbery? Indulge me, please. Thanks.
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny...
The first paragraph made my arms feel long and rubbery. Is that weird?
Submitted by dinnerkraft (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This post kept me smiling all the way through, but it failed to make me laughed. Then again, I'm in a bad mood today, so...
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, I'm shoveling mashed potatoes into my shoes, right...
I almost peed my pants. This is the first post that has actually brought me to tears. Fucking hilarious!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ell, I don't have a site.
I guess some of you guys didn't find this as hilarious as I did last night, when I was told this. This is completely true except for the dialogue and the surrounding situation. But there really is a person with food shoes out there. I know her personally.
Submitted by ell at 2004-06-30 13:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written and funny, do u have a site?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't me that did this. It was just easier for me to tell the story using myself in the stead of the real person.
Submitted by Dashel (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try jello.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile, but more at you than with you.
-Bus
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ummm... okay.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"My mother can only look at me as though I have a dickfor protruding from my forehead. I know what you're thinking, 'What's a dickfor?' Well, dude, if I have to tell you, you probably shouldn't be reproducing anyway. "
Hahaha I love that joke.
Very very funny storytelling.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't whether I'm more disturbed by the post or by the fact that I'm actually tempted to try it.
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Made me laugh. +1.5 (rounds to 2) Thanks.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nothing that can be said to rationalize this. Nothing at all. I'll just leave you a +2 and stay far away from you.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-30 12:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea how to respond to this.