Fuck You Flies...Communist Bastards. (600 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Homsar (View user info) at 2004-06-30 13:39:55 EDT
I really fucking hate flies. There's something about that buzzing sound that makes my teeth grind and makes my limbs involuntarily convulse.
Bastards.
There's one particular vermin, lets call him Cecil. Cecil the fly has been tormenting my life ever since I got to work this morning; buzzing my head without warning, leaving his shit-stained footprints all over my milk and donuts this morning, staring at me with his black, empty, soulless eyes. That is if "soulless" is, in fact, a real word.
I will have the last laugh. I rummaged the recycle bin and found the biggest sheet of paper imaginable. Rolled tightly into a small tube, with rubber bands securing the ends to prevent papercuts, I have fashioned the deadliest of tools with which I will smite the insect.
Even as I type this, Cecil continues to dive-bomb my head and swoop dangerously close to my Mountain Dew 20oz. He tests my patience with exuberance. Any hope of making this an intelligent post is lost as my mind races to control the twitches that spreads over my arms and legs each time I hear the "zzzz" of his wings.
His agility in the air is umatched. I cannot win in his domain, I must sit quietly until all seems quiet on the battlefront, and then I will strike with great vengeance upon the unsuspecting little asshole. I shall leave this post unfinished until my task is complete, upon which time I will return and speak of his demise....
to be continued......
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WHAM! BITCH! FUCK YES! GO BACK TO THE BOWELS OF HELL FROM WHERE YOU WERE BORN!
I am now looking at the sick twisted remnants of what was once my beady-eyed tormentor. Lifeless on the carpet, his guts staining my weapon of choice.
I shall now systematically amputate his limbs and feed them into the paper shredder.
Fucking flies.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Actually it doesn't"? How do you know?
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
spedmonkey: you are sure it doesn't hurt them? Whatever: I suggest you take the medical freezing spray to hibernate them. You know the spray you get if you twist an ankle. You can catch them in mid air with this. Just make sure you do not to spray it into anybodies eye (anybodies but the flees). And then do whatever sadistic thing you like. Remember: It's your charma...
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Actually, it doesn't. But even if it did, its the fly's karma coming back to ruin its shit. It would have never happend had it not been annoying and making this guy counter productive at work. It could have got him fired. Served the fly right, I say.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
spedmonkey: you are sure it doesn't hurt them? Whatever: I suggest you take the medical freezing spray to hibernate them. You know the spray you get if you twist an ankle. You can catch them in mid air with this. Just make sure you do not to spray it into anybodies eye (anybodies but the flees). And then do whatever sadistic thing you like. Remember: It's your charma...
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woot, score one for the home team.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can freeze them, too, and then put the leash on. It doesn't hurt them, and they fly around like little bitches once they get thawed out.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My basement was infested with flies about a week ago. They hated when i played the drums so they divebombed me whenever I played. So I started hiting then with my sticks. It ruled.
Fuck flies
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sunjunkie, that is the most beautiful idea I've ever heard. I so happen to have a can of air in the closet...to arms, to arms!!!
Submitted by sunjunkie04 (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you have canned air, you wil win. You can also play God. Hold the can upside down and pull the trigger. BAM frozen fly falls like a shit spike. Working quickly, glue an length of floss to his ass. Ta da! Now breath on him to wake him up. Congrats,you own him. Make him fly around on his floss leash until his wings fall off, or you rip them off. Cut off his head and stick it with a toothpick to serve as a warning for all the other flys.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fight the power
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flies are sick.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Flies suck ass.
No, really.
Submitted by Boogely_eyes (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes. We just killed a corn-fed fly here... He was so fat his flight was impaired. Hooray for the annihilation and follow-up into the shredder!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way. Your picture: Looks like a male. A few days old and wild-type. Good condition.
People hate me for these remarks at the table. But I can't resist.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on man. I'm looking for your posts from now on.
First time I've laughed out loud on Uber for awhile.
Cheers.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know your problem. I hate them fuckers buzzing around my head and I even hate them more if they wake me up. But I get my revenge on them. Everyday. I work in a cell-biology lab on flies. Drosophila. Can you imagine how many flies you get to kill when you do genetic studies on them? Imagine a big glass with a small opening. Maybe 1/2 liter. Half filled with ethanol (70%). This is the fly grave. Every fly I don't need anymore goes in there; mostly half conscious sedated with CO2. Out of one crossing you get around 50-300 flies. To do one relevant experiment you have to do several crosses. And we do lots of experiments believe me. Hundreds in total for one years work / one person working. So the fly grave tends to fill up in 3 months or something. Now I don't really like to kill animals (not even flies, but that's research). So everytime such a fucker wakes me up in the morning I think of my genocide on flies. And I feel pleased for a sec. Then I remember how sick I am for that.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-06-30 14:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by god_komplexx (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
truly a formitable opponent
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-06-30 13:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, this crossed the Made Spedmonkey Laugh line. Good work.