A Guide to Keeping Beautiful Women (1718 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.47 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zoidberg (View user info) at 2004-06-30 15:14:36 EDT
There once was a beautiful young Duchess, newly married to a jealous
Duke. One day, the Duke decided to take a hunting trip. He called the
Duchess and told her "You may go anywhere in the castle, but you must
not leave it or I will severely punish you." Then he left. For a few
days the Duchess was entertained visiting the many rooms in the stately
castle. But eventually she grew bored and decided to go visit her
lover. So she snuck out of the castle and spent a wonderful evening
boinking her lover. When she attempted to return back over the drawbridge however, she found a guard brandishing a cruel looking knife barring her way.
"Do not attempt to cross the bridge Duchess, for the Duke has given me
orders not to let you in, and to kill you if you try to cross." He told
her.
The Duchess was beside herself with fear. Her husband would be back
after sunset. She went to her lover to ask for help. He told her, "I'm sorry but we are only lovers. Our relationship does not necessitate my getting involved in this." She went to her best friend to ask for help. She told her, "I'm sorry but we are only friends. Our relationship does not necessitate my getting involved in this."
Nearing desperation, she found a boatman to transport her across the
moat. He however refused to do so unless she paid him, and having no money, she was unable to do so. She begged him to have mercy but was told, "I'm sorry but I am only a boatman, and you have no money. Our
relationship does not necessitate my getting involved in this."
As sunset neared, the Duchess, out of options crossed the drawbridge,
where she was promptly slain by the guard.
The question for you, dear reader, is who is most responsible for her death? The Duchess? The Duke? The Guard? The Lover? The Friend? Or the Boatman?
In all the times I've been a part of the preceding exercise, everyone
taking part generally agreed it was the fault of the Duchess, save for
the few romantics who believed the Lover should have swash-buckled his
way inside.
But to most, the Duchess is responsible for her own actions. And had
to pay the piper when the time came.
She did, after all, choose to leave the castle, knowing full well there
would be a penalty, no matter how unjust it might have been.
But, those who say that are inept and stupid and don't fully understand
the fundamentals of a good male/female relationship. In fact, they're
probably queers, or divorced, or both. So they need to shut the fuck up right now. Do you hear me? That's right. Fag.
The story states that the Duchess was Beautiful. Of course, a queer
like you wouldn't notice something like a woman being beautiful, but this is something important to notice for it tells you who the real fault lies with, the Duke.
In any, any relationship, you do not marry a beautiful girl who knows
she is beautiful. A beautiful girl always knows she can upgrade. This
is an important rule in relationships. IF SHE KNOWS SHE CAN DO BETTER,
SHE WILL.
Here is the secret to a happy relationship - You must totally and utterly destroy her self-esteem first. This is an exhausting and heart wrenching process, but if you truly care about her, you will follow through.
Tell her she's ugly. Tell her you wouldn't fuck her if your dick was
on fire and her cooder was made out of water and burn cream. Ask her frequently how many guys she has been with and then, no matter what, always refer to her vagina as "the test tube". Tell her she's probably got more clap than an auditorium. So on...
If you do the preceding correctly, you can count on the following to
tell you you're on your way to a secure relationship.
1. She should begin to develop an eating disorder, and not have the
strength to ever leave your castle. Anorexia and bulimia get a bad rap on Lifetime, but no one ever focuses on the positives. Not only will she lack the strength/energy to get out there and find someone better, but you'll be surprised how much money you save dining out.
You can help this stage along with little comments like "I don't think that haircut work on a fat girl" or "Maybe we should start buying our food in bulk*" that will not only show her that you're noticing her changes in appearance (i.e. haircuts and such)but will reassure her that you're still taking an active interest in her.
*Hints From the Pros -Try to encourage anorexia over bulimia. Unlike
Anorexia, you still have to pay for the meals she is wasting when she
has bulimia, so it is the less desired of the two.
2. She will take drastic steps to improve her appearance. Remember, unlike paving your driveway or washing yours and your friend's trucks, she can'tdo all of this alone. Belittle her attempts atchange. Call her makeup ensemble her "whore uniform". Hit on other women in front of her, and have her put their phone numbers in her cell phone. When she wants to have sex, tell her "There's not enough alcohol in the world." and instead jerk off to the native women in National Geographic.
*Hints From the Pros - If you make her image conscious enough, you can
probably get a boob job out of it. If she does get breast implants,
give her some positive reinforcement. "Well at least your titties no
longer match the rest of your ape costume, orangutang girl." Make sure
you say this around your friends and make sure you all laugh, to let her know you're just kidding. Remember, positive change.
3. She will do almost anything to please you in bed. She will be
totally unsure why you would want to hang out with a fat skag like her (to further reinforce this, cheat a few times. This will make her want to keep you even more) so this will make her desperate to keep you
satisfied. This is the time to bring out the doberman, the hot wax and the yo-yo.*
*Hints From the Pros - Dobermans do not like hot wax.
Make sure you film it to show to all of her friends and co-workers.
This is absolutely imperative as her "friends", being jealous cows, will try to "rescue" her from you. They just want a caring man like you for themselves. You must alienate her from them, and quickly.*
*Hints From the Pros - These "friends" are not all bad. Some will
sense what a strong protector you are and try to get with you. Most women seek the sort of man you are right now.
So you've done everything right. By now you should have a beautiful, skinny as a rail, big breasted woman who is afraid to do anything without asking you first. Now you are free to marry her, as she is not only too afraid of losing you to cheat, but her mind cannot possibly fathom anyone else being interested in her, short of a mental patient or a midget with no options. It may seem tiring, but it's worth it, and you only have to keep it up till she gets too old and you're ready to divorce her.
User Reviews
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-07-01 18:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cindys_Younger_Sister (user info) at 2004-07-01 15:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post was boring, but that picture: wooo +2
Submitted by Jesstar (user info) at 2004-07-01 03:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, the word boinking is stylish alright... Nothing wrong with boinking.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-07-01 02:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So there's actually written procedures for this stuff huh?
If only you could've avoided the word 'boinking'.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-06-30 20:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're an awesome writer.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-06-30 17:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yo-yo?
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-06-30 16:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow
Never read that RB. My bad
The post was just an excuse to put the picture up really, like I said, wrote this for a friend originally
Submitted by RB <notlogginginfuckers> at 2004-06-30 16:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm....where have i read this before?...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/22603
still good though
Submitted by Pittdude (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously wondered in the first half of the story if this would turn out good, but now Im falling out of my chair laughing!
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I came back to laugh at the picture.
Submitted by UltraJesus4000 (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're such an asshole.
keep up the good work!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love the pic and the fact that it says owned makes it better
good story
Submitted by god_komplexx (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT ADVICE, do you also have any classes you would recommend??
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the writting was awesome.
the picture has me laughing my ass off.
Submitted by Frenchy (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost interest cause of the format, then I saw the picture.
Approximately 7 seconds later, I got it.
People are still staring.
F
Submitted by Homsar (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because that picture cracked me up.
PWN3D!!1!two!2!1!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny because it's true.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This thousand words is equally as good as that picture.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah man, homosexuals are gay!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-06-30 15:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bah copying from word always messes up the formatting.
I'm not a misogynist, this was originally meant for a friend of mine who keeps going back with an asshole, the sort of guy women always seem to dig for some stupid reason